The art of not taking things personally • Hacker News Board

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#91

Post by nefitty » Wed, Sep 01, 2021, 2:12 AM UTC

jareklupinski wrote: post #81

foobiekr wrote: post #22

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've had this experience myself. Actually, your description is so much kinder than mine that I think I will adopt it. What I have said up until now is that as I've gotten older, my emotional level has declined very substantially, especially in the last ten years. It's like the volume got turned down. Very few things bother me, and very few things excite me. I'd associated it until now with a sort of depersonalization…

> It's like the volume got turned down. a bit tangental :) recently I was wearing headphones for a zoom meeting, when someone in the same apartment asked me if I could turn down the volume, since it was so loud they could hear everyone on the meeting even with my headset on. I had not realized how loud I was turning the system volume up in meetings, and after being conscious to it and joining at half volume, I notice…

When I was a case worker that was one of my go-to's to get back control of a call. Turning the volume down on someone who's screaming at you over the phone makes them seem so small and reminded me that they can't hurt me. Stress goes down quickly.

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#92

Post by [deleted] » Wed, Sep 01, 2021, 2:12 AM UTC

justinpombrio wrote: post #75

foobiekr wrote: post #22

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've had this experience myself. Actually, your description is so much kinder than mine that I think I will adopt it. What I have said up until now is that as I've gotten older, my emotional level has declined very substantially, especially in the last ten years. It's like the volume got turned down. Very few things bother me, and very few things excite me. I'd associated it until now with a sort of depersonalization…

> Very few things bother me, and very few things excite me. In my view, this is perfectly natural. Your emotions are tied to your expectations. As you grow older, you have seen more things, and better know what to expect. The first time you drop your ice cream cone on the ground as a child, you learn that a delicious treat can be destroyed so easily! When you drop your ice cream cone on the ground as an adult, it's l…

[deleted]

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#93

Post by nefitty » Wed, Sep 01, 2021, 2:18 AM UTC

weaksauce wrote: post #34

foobiekr wrote: post #22

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've had this experience myself. Actually, your description is so much kinder than mine that I think I will adopt it. What I have said up until now is that as I've gotten older, my emotional level has declined very substantially, especially in the last ten years. It's like the volume got turned down. Very few things bother me, and very few things excite me. I'd associated it until now with a sort of depersonalization…

you sure that's not a depressive episode worth talking to your doctor about? depression isn't just the stereotypical dread and angst that the movies typically display. it's more of a nothing tastes great anymore, I'm apathetic toward life, nothing excites me, etc.

I'm going through this now, and feel embarrassed or ashamed that it might be depression. The phrase "Nothing feels good" is so apt, it keeps running through my head. I don't feel sad, I just feel like everything is meaningless, everything is empty. The only intense emotion that grips me now is anxiety about death, which I had managed to handle for a long time now.

I just post this into the void to avoid burdening my family and friends. I should go do the dishes...

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#94

Post by ogre_magi » Wed, Sep 01, 2021, 2:23 AM UTC

ljm wrote: post #73

I scanned the page for 'empathy' and there was not a single mention of it. 'Emotional generosity', the thing at the start of the article, doesn't count. I don't know where that language came from but it doesn't sound empathetic, it sounds transactional. I don't really care for what else the author has to say, having understood that

The entire article is about empathizing with others...

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#95

Post by lmm » Wed, Sep 01, 2021, 2:33 AM UTC

courtf wrote: post #23

pessimizer wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's important not to judge the world by its effect on your internal state. The world isn't party to your internal state, although you walk around with an illusion of transparency. People are doing things for their own reasons, not for yours. Referring to the Buddha in order to make emotional regulation seem like an unachievable perfection is not really a good support, because the argument you're making is that we sh…

> It's important not to judge the world by its effect on your internal state. The world isn't party to your internal state, although you walk around with an illusion of transparency. People are doing things for their own reasons, not for yours. Sure, I agree. This isn't a contradiction with my post. > Referring to the Buddha in order to make emotional regulation seem like an unachievable perfection is not really a go…

> We can try to steer the elephant, and may have some success with that on occasion, but complete control is not possible. What I am saying, is that it's ok to let the elephant do what it wants sometimes, because ultimately it's going to do that a lot of the time anyway.

That's not a sound argument though. E.g. the fact that you can't save every starving child in no way proves that you shouldn't try as hard as you can to save those that you can.

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#96

Post by moneywoes » Wed, Sep 01, 2021, 2:35 AM UTC

BurningFrog wrote: post #70

zwkrt wrote: post #3

As I get older, the less I identify as my current state and the more I identify with the person who transitions through states. My change in perspective has reduced my anxieties and anger significantly. "This too shall pass" and all that. The more of my self image is focused on superficial things, the more I will take things personally. What we are angry about tends to be a reflection of ourselves more than the curre…

This is a common development for men as we get older. I could write something similar. I'd like to think I'm maturing and becoming wise. But I suspect it's really the falling testosterone levels that come with age...

Have you considered supplementation

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#97

Post by [deleted] » Wed, Sep 01, 2021, 2:36 AM UTC

packetlost wrote: post #31

foobiekr wrote: post #22

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've had this experience myself. Actually, your description is so much kinder than mine that I think I will adopt it. What I have said up until now is that as I've gotten older, my emotional level has declined very substantially, especially in the last ten years. It's like the volume got turned down. Very few things bother me, and very few things excite me. I'd associated it until now with a sort of depersonalization…

That's me, except I'm in my early-mid 20s and I've always been like that. I describe it as being 'the opposite of neurotic' in a psychological sense.

[deleted]

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#98

Post by sethammons » Wed, Sep 01, 2021, 3:10 AM UTC

TameAntelope wrote: post #86

sammalloy wrote: post #51

> Every Negative Emotion is Driven by an Unmet Need > When you notice a negative emotion in someone, get curious about what that emotion might be — and try to uncover the unmet need that accompanies it. ‘Are you feeling X because you’re needing Y?’. I have a sense that this practice could change the world and make life better for everyone. I wonder what it would take for everyone to start doing it.

I just don't know what to do once I feel I've figured out their unmet needs and it's something they shouldn't need...

In non-violent communication, the needs (broadly) are: connection, physical well being, honesty, play, peace, autonomy, and meaning. Hard to argue against someone needing those.

https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#99

Post by TameAntelope » Wed, Sep 01, 2021, 3:12 AM UTC

sethammons wrote: post #98

TameAntelope wrote: post #86

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I just don't know what to do once I feel I've figured out their unmet needs and it's something they shouldn't need...

In non-violent communication, the needs (broadly) are: connection, physical well being, honesty, play, peace, autonomy, and meaning. Hard to argue against someone needing those. https://www.cnvc.org/training/resource/needs-inventory

Autonomy for an employee who makes bad decisions when left alone is hard to provide, for example.

Re: The art of not taking things personally

#100

Post by andrewmcwatters » Wed, Sep 01, 2021, 3:13 AM UTC

dumpsterdiver wrote: post #74

andrewmcwatters wrote: post #61

Earlier quoted context omitted.

What do you mean by "fragility?"

Colloquial usage around here means something close to, "An inability to gracefully accept an external perception of ourselves, because that perception is at odds with our own understanding of ourselves." This "fragility" must always be accompanied by an accusation - otherwise fragility would not manifest. Without an accusation to deny, no one can be fragile in this sense. The opposite of fragility is callousness - i.…

Thank you for the in-depth explanation.