Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

I am lonely will anyone speak to me

en.wikipedia.org

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

91–100 of 230 posts

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#91

Post by mgh2 »

hoka-one-one wrote: post #57
colmvp wrote: post #44

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> 1. It's usually not actually helpful to signal that you are desperate and lonely and your life is in the toilet. Once in a great while, someone will be truly wonderful to you because you did that but it's usually counterproductive. I met up with a close friend a few days ago to lament how tough its been to live alone throughout this Covid period, to get rejected by dozens of companies while job hunting, and to do o…

Heads up, most (not all) women really hate seeing men complain or cry. I think most men who have been around women a lot understand this. It's just the way things are, it's not out of malice. If you're a man and you want to sulk with someone, another man or a therapist is best.

She might have not known how to react, so tried to be empathetic by communicating what on her mind, was her own struggle - "kids being noisy", childrearing is not easy.

She might have been unconsciously signaling: "everyone is struggling some way or another, let me share mine so we can relate somehow..."

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#92

Post by [deleted] »

BurningFrog wrote: post #85
hoka-one-one wrote: post #57

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Heads up, most (not all) women really hate seeing men complain or cry. I think most men who have been around women a lot understand this. It's just the way things are, it's not out of malice. If you're a man and you want to sulk with someone, another man or a therapist is best.

I think it's pretty simple: Women look to men for strength, so showing weakness takes a man out of consideration as a partner.

[deleted]

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#93

Post by njdullea »

DoreenMichele wrote: post #63
glouwbug wrote: post #62

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I hope you're doing well now. Happiest of holidays to you, Doreen.

Other than my perpetually dicey finances, I am doing well. My health seems to have stabilized recently and, with that, I seem to no longer be suicidal. Happy holidays.

Happy holidays

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#94

Post by throwawengo »

tw25532050 wrote: post #42
tonymet wrote: post #7

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Does this number actually help? It’s shared kind of automatically but I find it trivializes suicide

It might help folks that can be helped by talking to someone. For someone like me, it would only make me feel bad, like I'm burdening someone else with the knowledge that I'm going to end my life; I know they won't be able to "talk me out of it". I have no friends, no family, nor any coworkers since July. No one will notice me being dead then any more than they notice me being absent now. When the money runs out, I h…

I feel like I might have ended up in your position if I hadn't been inoculated against it early.

I'd like to tell you how even objectively bad circumstances do not demand subjective suffering, that there exist treatments and substances that can genuinely help, to try to point you in the direction of Standard Official Resources, and that the future can be better and so on, but I also know that all of that can sound empty or even annoying.

So instead, I'm going to try something that might be unwise. I've only seen it work once.

You're not alone, in the worst possible sense of the phrase. Extreme suffering is common and nearly ignored. Through what can only be reasonably termed negligence, more people die each year to trivially preventable causes than at the peak of the holocaust. Unanswered prayers and extinguished hopes are the sum of experience for a number of people so large that we can't have a proportional emotional response to it.

You have a blessedly uncommon insight in this. Even if your experience isn't the same as all the others, you have an understanding that reality has no safety net.

So now we come to the part that I've always hesitated suggesting to anyone else:

Please help. Please take upon yourself the completely ridiculous and unreasonable burden of doing what is within your physical power, even when it means exposing yourself to even more suffering indefinitely, even when doing anything is already asking too much. It's not a matter of obligation or moral expectation, there's just the brute fact that people constantly suffer and die for no reason, and they could be saved. Just actions and consequences.

I won't tell you that this will help you. It may. I am alive right now. Therapists might suggest 'crying yourself to sleep for a year' and 'having recurring dreams composed solely of uncontrollable sobbing' are not an ideal recovery from severe depression, but if all else fails, turning yourself into a robot that tries to guide others away from the sharper edges is still better than the alternative.

Please stick around and help, because no one else will replace you.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#95

Post by DoreenMichele »

mechnesium wrote: post #79
DoreenMichele wrote: post #75

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I was talking about (online) support groups . It's a statement about a specific environment and it is based on enormous firsthand experience as the person usually being accused of victim blaming for the crime of trying to be helpful.

I’ve also found it incredibly difficult to help depressed/lonely people without experiencing some kind of backlash. I have a jobless friend who still lives with his parents, and is always lamenting about how terrible his life is, as if phishing for help. When I offer help, he becomes combative, so I try to just avoid the topic until one day he’s ready for change in his life.

It's mostly about moderating, but maybe it will be helpful to you/someone:

https://witnesstodestruction.blogspot.com/p/a-pragmatic-appr...

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#96

Post by tw25532050 »

mechnesium wrote: post #79
DoreenMichele wrote: post #75

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I was talking about (online) support groups . It's a statement about a specific environment and it is based on enormous firsthand experience as the person usually being accused of victim blaming for the crime of trying to be helpful.

I’ve also found it incredibly difficult to help depressed/lonely people without experiencing some kind of backlash. I have a jobless friend who still lives with his parents, and is always lamenting about how terrible his life is, as if phishing for help. When I offer help, he becomes combative, so I try to just avoid the topic until one day he’s ready for change in his life.

Your friend is angry, and likely at himself, even if he won't admit it. I've been that way too, which is probably why this comment from Jean-Luc Picard (TNG: S04E12) struck a chord with me:

"I think when one has been angry for a very long time, one gets used to it. And it becomes comfortable, like old leather. And, finally, it becomes so familiar that one can't ever remember feeling any other way."

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#97

Post by nearbuy »

colmvp wrote: post #44
DoreenMichele wrote: post #37

I've studied social/psychological stuff, spent a lot of years suicidal and spent a number of years homeless which was incredibly socially isolating and even negatively impacted how people interacted with me online. Some thoughts (intended as a buffet to choose from if it strikes your fancy, not a prescription for "the right way" to do anything at all): 1. It's usually not actually helpful to signal that you are despe…

> 1. It's usually not actually helpful to signal that you are desperate and lonely and your life is in the toilet. Once in a great while, someone will be truly wonderful to you because you did that but it's usually counterproductive. I met up with a close friend a few days ago to lament how tough its been to live alone throughout this Covid period, to get rejected by dozens of companies while job hunting, and to do o…

In contrast to some of the other replies, I don't find your friend's response particularly unexpected. She probably didn't mean to be hurtful. People often don't know how to respond to hearing other people's problems. They don't always know how you're feeling. Sometimes they try to commiserate by relating about their own problems.

I think most single guys are experiencing similar problems right now with online dating. It's tough. Your friend may have misjudged how much you wanted to talk about it. Often the best way to get the response you're looking for is to straight-up tell the person (politely) how you're feeling and what you want from them.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#98

Post by RobertRoberts »

DoreenMichele wrote: post #37

I've studied social/psychological stuff, spent a lot of years suicidal and spent a number of years homeless which was incredibly socially isolating and even negatively impacted how people interacted with me online. Some thoughts (intended as a buffet to choose from if it strikes your fancy, not a prescription for "the right way" to do anything at all): 1. It's usually not actually helpful to signal that you are despe…

I've been homeless, lonely and desperate in many ways over many years. I appreciate your comments here.

I would add that people who are desperate will drag you down like a drowning person. I have been on both sides of this, and I have had to overcome this "total reliance" on others that makes them go away.

But, the best advice I have ever gotten (paraphrasing) was "face YOUR problems". It didn't matter what or how they said it. If you don't want things to be better, they never will get better.

The problem is that hopelessness _feels_ permanent. I have just gotten where I can be helpful to others after decades, and I am seeing that _extreme_ patience, caring and understanding allow that difficult discussion about change to happen.

Keep saying what you are saying. It was people like you that helped me start facing things on my own. Bravo and peace and love to you.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#99

Post by zenexer »

kodah wrote: post #26
tonymet wrote: post #7

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Does this number actually help? It’s shared kind of automatically but I find it trivializes suicide

I have not used this number and sometimes when these kind of numbers are included in news pieces I have a big eye roll due to it looking like a rubber stamp. That said, I'm part of other groups that are certainly in on-going crises and I'd love to see our resources plastered everywhere, sincerity or not. At the very least it makes some people stop and think, some may donate, some may volunteer. That's worth my eye ro…

It's one of those situations in which one organization does it and everyone else realizes there are no downsides. It's probably more sincere that we'd like to admit. Sure, there might be a liability aspect to it, but why wouldn't you plaster it all over, even if it's a rubber stamp? At worst, it has no effect. At best, you help people--people who are likely your customers. Dead customers don't pay bills.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#100

Post by justathrowa »

underseacables wrote: post #64

In my humble opinion, it is critical that we become OK with being alone. I believe that only when we are comfortable by ourselves, can we truly ever be happy with someone else.

My parents forbade me from having friends when I was around 7 or 8 years old. Hit me across the head to emphasize the point; friends would distract from studying hard, and you don't study hard then you can't get into a good university. So until I was 24 I had no friends whatsoever, not even through university and not even through the time since then.

As you might imagine I'm quite okay being alone for the most part having grown up friendless. I have no idea what having a friend is like, or how you're supposed to be a fiend, and for the most part that's okay with me. Ironically, my parents are actually now concerned about why I haven't dated anyone in my 30's; they've actually asked their family friends if they knew anyone that might be interested.

And there in lies the rub. If you're really okay with being alone, why bother having anyone else in your life? It's hugely uncomfortable for someone that's used to it, for little benefit.

Post reply on HN