I am lonely will anyone speak to me • Hacker News Board

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#71

Post by Pfhreak » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 2:42 AM UTC

hoka-one-one wrote: post #57

colmvp wrote: post #44

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> 1. It's usually not actually helpful to signal that you are desperate and lonely and your life is in the toilet. Once in a great while, someone will be truly wonderful to you because you did that but it's usually counterproductive. I met up with a close friend a few days ago to lament how tough its been to live alone throughout this Covid period, to get rejected by dozens of companies while job hunting, and to do o…

Heads up, most (not all) women really hate seeing men complain or cry. I think most men who have been around women a lot understand this. It's just the way things are, it's not out of malice. If you're a man and you want to sulk with someone, another man or a therapist is best.

Citation needed. Complaining is one thing, sure, but expressing a wide range of emotions (including healthy expressions of sadness, frustration, fear, etc.) is considered pretty positive and good by the women I know.

Crying is important, normal, and healthy.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#72

Post by im3w1l » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 2:42 AM UTC

colmvp wrote: post #44

DoreenMichele wrote: post #37

I've studied social/psychological stuff, spent a lot of years suicidal and spent a number of years homeless which was incredibly socially isolating and even negatively impacted how people interacted with me online. Some thoughts (intended as a buffet to choose from if it strikes your fancy, not a prescription for "the right way" to do anything at all): 1. It's usually not actually helpful to signal that you are despe…

> 1. It's usually not actually helpful to signal that you are desperate and lonely and your life is in the toilet. Once in a great while, someone will be truly wonderful to you because you did that but it's usually counterproductive. I met up with a close friend a few days ago to lament how tough its been to live alone throughout this Covid period, to get rejected by dozens of companies while job hunting, and to do o…

Everyone saying she was a shit friend but she may not even have realized how you perceived it or that you wanted to keep talking about it.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#73

Post by mechnesium » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 2:47 AM UTC

DoreenMichele wrote: post #37

I've studied social/psychological stuff, spent a lot of years suicidal and spent a number of years homeless which was incredibly socially isolating and even negatively impacted how people interacted with me online. Some thoughts (intended as a buffet to choose from if it strikes your fancy, not a prescription for "the right way" to do anything at all): 1. It's usually not actually helpful to signal that you are despe…

> it tends to be the case that you can't suggest to people "You could try doing things differently" because that will be taken as blaming the victim

Sometimes it takes a friend (or stranger) to make such suggestions. Lonely and depressed people are typically trapped inside their heads, so they need some kind of external stimulus to help them understand that they are in control of their life. The truth sometimes hurts, but calling it victim blaming is nonsense.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#74

Post by damudel » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 2:49 AM UTC

sweetheart wrote: post #65

hoka-one-one wrote: post #57

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Heads up, most (not all) women really hate seeing men complain or cry. I think most men who have been around women a lot understand this. It's just the way things are, it's not out of malice. If you're a man and you want to sulk with someone, another man or a therapist is best.

This seems like a very dangerous generalization.

It's an experience many men have had. It's pretty difficult to get real data on beyond the anecdotes of many men.

Shouldn't matter really, but most men find that it stings when the women in their lives just don't look at them the same way anymore; they perceive that they are now less in their eyes.

Men who stay aloof and emotionally distant enjoy women's attraction. Also an anecdote of many men.

That said the truly powerful man will not care and is unconcerned with the loss of women.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#75

Post by DoreenMichele » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 2:49 AM UTC

mechnesium wrote: post #73

DoreenMichele wrote: post #37

I've studied social/psychological stuff, spent a lot of years suicidal and spent a number of years homeless which was incredibly socially isolating and even negatively impacted how people interacted with me online. Some thoughts (intended as a buffet to choose from if it strikes your fancy, not a prescription for "the right way" to do anything at all): 1. It's usually not actually helpful to signal that you are despe…

> it tends to be the case that you can't suggest to people "You could try doing things differently" because that will be taken as blaming the victim Sometimes it takes a friend (or stranger) to make such suggestions. Lonely and depressed people are typically trapped inside their heads, so they need some kind of external stimulus to help them understand that they are in control of their life. The truth sometimes hurts…

I was talking about (online) support groups. It's a statement about a specific environment and it is based on enormous firsthand experience as the person usually being accused of victim blaming for the crime of trying to be helpful.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#76

Post by theboat » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 2:52 AM UTC

Sometimes it feels like we're in the midst of a loneliness epidemic, created or exacerbated by technology like the internet. But the data doesn't actually line up with that belief: https://ourworldindata.org/loneliness-epidemic

It looks like we are generally as lonely as we were throughout the 20th century. Perhaps that's a sign the internet hasn't yet lived up to its promise as the great unifier. The fact that the greatest and most accessible communication technology in history hasn't put a dent in loneliness shows that we still have a lot of work to do in making it serve that end.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#77

Post by bentlloyd1 » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 2:53 AM UTC

underseacables wrote: post #64

In my humble opinion, it is critical that we become OK with being alone. I believe that only when we are comfortable by ourselves, can we truly ever be happy with someone else.

I disagree with this mindset. Humans are a social species and require some sort of interaction to thrive. Perpetuating this idea of going at it alone is a problem in modern society imo. This is coming from a pretty extreme introvert.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#78

Post by smeej » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 2:54 AM UTC

doliveira wrote: post #29

tonymet wrote: post #9

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It’s like the “thoughts and prayers “ cliche – something that sounds nice but lacks meaning

Thoughts and prayers is literally doing nothing, though. Not comparable at all

I thought this for the longest time, and then when I actually went through the kind of thing people offer "thoughts and prayers" for and people offered them to me personally (as opposed to generically on the internet), it actually made a world of difference to know my struggle had even entered the mind of another human being.

So if you can tell someone personally that you're thinking about them, especially in the days/weeks/months/years after the fact, I recommend it.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#79

Post by mechnesium » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 2:54 AM UTC

DoreenMichele wrote: post #75

mechnesium wrote: post #73

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> it tends to be the case that you can't suggest to people "You could try doing things differently" because that will be taken as blaming the victim Sometimes it takes a friend (or stranger) to make such suggestions. Lonely and depressed people are typically trapped inside their heads, so they need some kind of external stimulus to help them understand that they are in control of their life. The truth sometimes hurts…

I was talking about (online) support groups . It's a statement about a specific environment and it is based on enormous firsthand experience as the person usually being accused of victim blaming for the crime of trying to be helpful.

I’ve also found it incredibly difficult to help depressed/lonely people without experiencing some kind of backlash. I have a jobless friend who still lives with his parents, and is always lamenting about how terrible his life is, as if phishing for help. When I offer help, he becomes combative, so I try to just avoid the topic until one day he’s ready for change in his life.

Re: I am lonely will anyone speak to me

#80

Post by watermelon59 » Fri, Dec 25, 2020, 2:54 AM UTC

glouwbug wrote: post #56

DoreenMichele wrote: post #49

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yeah. When it goes like that my internal reaction is typically "Good riddance. Don't let the screen door hit you on your way out. Thank god I don't have to listen to one more minute of your whiny shit ever again because we are so done."

People don't like complainers. Plain matter of fact is your significant other sees you as the rock in the relationship, which is likely why the relationship works, and by complaining the foundation their attraction was built on was shaken.

That sounds like something the likes of Jordan Peterson would say.

One of the best things my therapist did to me this year was get me off of Jordan Peterson. I was spiraling down in self-doubt because I listened to him so much.

It’s one hell of a miserable relationship if you can’t rely on your partner to have a receptive ear to listen to the things that bother you or make you sad.