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Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

improveyoursocialskills.com

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Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#91

Post by kempbellt »

emerongi wrote: post #81
kempbellt wrote: post #61

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I agree with this. I value high-friction environments where people are encouraged to compete and fight to support their ideas, where they feel valued for fighting for themselves, rather than patronized... The real world doesn't coddle you. Work should reflect that to some degree - with some respect to being a decent person in general. Just knowing that you know your shit, and it's okay (preferred even), if you fight…

The real world doesn't coddle you, but your close acquaintances definitely do. A week ago I saw an animal documentary where a lion was attacked by a pack of hyenas. A while later, another lion saw the situation and ran to help; the hyenas knew they couldn't take two lions so they fled. Afterwards, the lions cuddled. Both lions benefited: the first one might help the second one out in the future. I would argue that on…

Certainly. There is definitely the need for balance. If your work environment is all in-fighting (been there done that myself), it sucks... But if your environment promotes a patronizing amount of coddling and trying to make things fair for everyone all the time, I find myself equally unhappy.

If my idea is better than my coworkers, I want that celebrated. If theirs is better, I want that celebrated, even if that means telling me that my idea isn't great.

Edit: Also, if Bob is doing fuck-all, he should expect to be kicked out of the group. He can find another tribe that accepts his bullshit (until they eventually drop him as well), or learn to carry his own weight before being reaccepted - by means of crafting weapons or providing in some other way as you mention. "Safe spaces" to me, are akin to allowing Bob to stick around and mooch off the group indefinitely because kicking him out wouldn't be very nice. Nature says you provide for the group, or you go. It's harsh, but real.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#92

Post by bytematic »

wallflower wrote: post #53

While some of you may make light of the fact that I am giving you advice, my single most important piece of advice to people who are highly analytical and/or always solving problems is to not give unsolicited advice to friends, family, acquaintances, or even strangers. People will ask for advice if they really want it. People are not “broken pieces of code” begging to be fixed. I’ve lost friends over this, until one…

I rarely even believe in "advice", mostly people will just know and do what they want. The collection of learning from their experiences informs those decisions nearly 100%.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#93

Post by solatic »

wisty wrote: post #82
solatic wrote: post #72

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> IMO aggression is just assertion when it's judged to be inappropriate or incompetently done One can be assertive without being aggressive and aggressive without being assertive. They are different characteristics. Assertive and not aggressive - deciding to speak up instead of being silent. "Excuse me, can you explain this decision to me?" Aggressive and not assertive - being passive-aggressive, giving people the si…

So is a polite legal threat assertive or aggressive? edit: I'm saying - where you draw the line is about things like whether it's competent, and whether it's "OK" within the contex. A polite "excuse me" is both competent and almost always "OK". A polite legal threat might not be "OK" (and it might not be competent either) so whether you judge it to be aggressive will depend on your point of view.

It's not a line. Something can also be both aggressive and assertive. That they are different does not make them mutually exclusive.

One can also be awkward but not polite, polite but not awkward, and politely awkward. They're just different characteristics.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#94

Post by Dumblydorr »

allovernow wrote: post #45

>In a nutshell, you inspire me when something that you share makes me want to share something, too. Notice the word "want" in that definition. Inspiration does not make your partner feel obligated to share. It makes them want to share. This is the part that I've been stuck at for years. And I imagine other technical people hit this roadblock as well. Being able to talk with people when you have little in the way of c…

There are many other topics besides your job, which most lovers won't share with their SO anyway. Talk about music, history, science, outdoors, travel, there are literally thousands of engaging conversation topics on all manner of experiences. We could talk also about childhood, friendships, space, time, the afterlife, and crazy hypotheticals, not just Earthly, humanities type subjects.

Another strategy I sometimes use is to pick a letter, then discuss something beginning with that letter. That or just be zany and come up with random hypotheticals.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#95

Post by ravenstine »

christiansakai wrote: post #17
Carpetsmoker wrote: post #11

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Some of the worst and most ineffective coworkers I've ever worked with were intelligent, knowledgable, skilled, and severally lacking in the social skills department. In some cases I've seen the more abrasive and toxic variants of these people completely crush morale for the rest of the team or company, and destroy any success. They were a net loss to the company. Yeah, social skills matter. A lot. It's not about hav…

On the other hand, my colleagues talk a lot. Like, almost half of their day (i.e, 4 hours) is spend talking about random topics like weather, food, gossipping etc and nothing job related. They aren't that skillful coding wise. But I wonder, is this more acceptable than having hard coding skills? Serious question.

In my experience, people are more interested in being around cool people than competence. (I'm not making a value judgment here)

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#96

Post by 77pt77 »

Dumblydorr wrote: post #88
SolaceQuantum wrote: post #60

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Often it's useful to mentally frame this as that the problem is that the speaker feels unheard, not that they're speaking about a problem.

And that more often than not, the speaker already knows potential solutions and next steps, they just want you to agree that it sucks. Too often, solutions driven people try to solve venters' problems rather than simply listening to what they are.

>Too often, solutions driven people try to solve venters' problems rather than simply listening to what they are.

If you don't want actionable answers to a problem, save it to your personal life or therapist.

Your colleagues have a duty to behave decently towards you but they are not paid to be your emotional dumpster.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#97

Post by Madmallard »

username90 wrote: post #59
wallflower wrote: post #53

While some of you may make light of the fact that I am giving you advice, my single most important piece of advice to people who are highly analytical and/or always solving problems is to not give unsolicited advice to friends, family, acquaintances, or even strangers. People will ask for advice if they really want it. People are not “broken pieces of code” begging to be fixed. I’ve lost friends over this, until one…

> People will ask for advice if they really want it. People will even ask for advice even when they really don't want it! So don't say that a girl is fat and needs to diet even if she asks you why she can't get the guys she want and tell you to be honest. Some want to hear that but most don't.

What would you say is the right behavior in that situation, then?

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#98

Post by zeropoint46 »

Sharlin wrote: post #57
wallflower wrote: post #53

While some of you may make light of the fact that I am giving you advice, my single most important piece of advice to people who are highly analytical and/or always solving problems is to not give unsolicited advice to friends, family, acquaintances, or even strangers. People will ask for advice if they really want it. People are not “broken pieces of code” begging to be fixed. I’ve lost friends over this, until one…

To add to this, it’s important is to realize that even when people open up to you about their problems, that still does not mean that they are asking for advice! It’s very likely that what they primarily want and need from you is sympathy and validation. If you’re unsure, ask first.

Thanks for pointing this out. I agree 100%. When I find myself in this situation however I find it hard to be authentically sympathetic. And if it's not authentic I have trouble doing it at all. Am I broken? Is there anyway to work on this?

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#99

Post by OscarCunningham »

wallflower wrote: post #53

While some of you may make light of the fact that I am giving you advice, my single most important piece of advice to people who are highly analytical and/or always solving problems is to not give unsolicited advice to friends, family, acquaintances, or even strangers. People will ask for advice if they really want it. People are not “broken pieces of code” begging to be fixed. I’ve lost friends over this, until one…

You noted the irony that you're giving us advice about not giving advice. But there's actually a double irony because you're giving advice about not giving advice due to your friend giving you advice about not giving advice.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#100

Post by mrfredward »

kempbellt wrote: post #67
allovernow wrote: post #45

>In a nutshell, you inspire me when something that you share makes me want to share something, too. Notice the word "want" in that definition. Inspiration does not make your partner feel obligated to share. It makes them want to share. This is the part that I've been stuck at for years. And I imagine other technical people hit this roadblock as well. Being able to talk with people when you have little in the way of c…

> since most young women aren't exactly excited to talk about code This may reflect your subjective experience, but I have had a different experience and would (kindly) give you the heads up that this is a borderline sexist generalization. I've met women in the industry that are just as capable as nerding out over new tech as I am - even if it hasn't been very common (in my experience).

Can we agree that "most young women" != "women in tech", just like "most young men" != "men in tech"?

Most men don't want to talk about code either.

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