Ask HN: How do you deal with getting old and feeling lost?

Mate, don't worry this is normal. I turned 39 last month, I have one failed marriage behind me (no kids), I don't have 500k USD in savings (so I think this is great for you), but I know what you are talking about.

Let me help you with one simple solution - testosterone. I was in mma most of my adult life, with some fights, sparings etc... I didn't use any susptances and supplements that are illegal. Now I am doing som mountain bike races (mostly XC marathones).

Speaking with lot of doctors that I know, the problem is that over 30, sometimes over 35, male is starting to lose testosterone. And testosterone is an essence for mail - physically and psychologically. Like women that over 45 starts to take estrogen, we should also start using testosterone.

So, try to see with your doctor, to start using just enough to keep your testosterone like you are in your 30-ties.

From my experience, it helps a lot, and soon when I will be over 40, it will really help.

Other than that, sport is always good for clearing your head, and hobbies.

And if you feel old, always look at Joe Biden, he is POTUS now. :)

TL;DR: I don't have a solution, I'm still searching for one on my own. The story may resonate, and others that 'made it', please feel free to provide your thoughts...

I'm turning 37 this year, and had this feeling for the past 2 years, which was only amplified in the past few months. So, really, your post (and all the comments) came in really timely (when the student is ready... ). If for nothing else, then to see that I'm not alone.

Unlike you, I am married (IMHO, happily) and have two kids under the age of ten. But, contrary to most of the posts, I can't say that it instilled peace in me. If anything, it made me realize that I need to make even more money to secure their good education and set them up well on that path (don't plan to finance their life past the education part, as I think one should earn for his own luxuries, as it's the only way they could appreciate and learn the value of 'things', and the value of paying for your own stuff).

In my case, in my 20s I was in a way better shape than now. Even though I tried to get back in the game at the start of 30s and ran half marathons (10 of them in 2019) and did supersprint triathlons, I stopped dead cold in 2020 due to a not very serious injury. I'm still exercising, but my main problem for not 'being' fit as fuck is the love-hate relationship with food (and sweets in particular). It's like I'm self-sabotaging in a way. I know, weird

My problem, I think, was always setting some goal (probably not all were BHAGs, but certainly they weren't totally easy), and then working like crazy to achieve it. Most of them, if not all, I achieved. The problem? Once I attain them, I lose all interest. I think that the money part is tricky because on one hand I'm working (hi, my name is X, and I'm a workaholic) a lot to secure the $$ for my kids, and then in turn I don't spend as much time with them as I think they'd need (mind you, I grew up with financially supportive dad, but one that worked abroad and whom I saw only over the weekend - heh, Freud could probably say a thing or two on that..). Crazy twisted logic, I know. Maybe I'm just a workaholic who uses the kids part as an excuse. Maybe I too could make use of professional help (even though I can surely afford it, in my environment, that's frowned upon - maybe I need to get myself in a new environment).

Since my 30s I got into this whole 'self-help' book genre, and can't shake the feeling that most of the new ones are rehashing the ideas from before, but tailor them to the new generations. If you're into reading, Id' suggest re-reading the ones that spoke to you before. I'm a voracious reader, and I can wholeheartedly recommend The Daily Stoic by Ryan Holiday.

I would love to tell you that I have a solution. I don't. BUT, I'm trying - and I suggest you do the same. If money is any measure, then I'd suspect you have the discipline to not give up. Remember, comments confirm, you're not alone in this. And, to use the popular crypto abbreviation these days: WAGMI.

Take care, and I would really like to hear from you 5 years from now.

Also, sorry not sorry, for hijacking your post to also share my 'problems' - truthfully, I overshared because based on the comments I think some folks may give me another perspective as well.

Take care

I'm 45, divorced and am not really that keen to meet people on Tinder/FB Dating etc. Recently I've really enjoyed meeting people through a walking group on FB, there is something happening most weekends when I'm not with my children and it's really reassuring that there are a bunch of people I can meet up with if I have nothing else on, friendships are developing there. Not saying I'm done with relationships, but they aren't a priority.

What is it getting you down, do you have hobbies and aspirations, however small? When I got divorced I made a list of small victories and over a about a year I was able to achieve many of them. Do you have friends you can talk to?

That's so cool that you were part of the founding team for a makerspace! I'm working on building something makerspace-y right now...If you're open to it, I'd love to ask you a couple quick questions about it. If you're busy, no worries, I 100% get it :) my email is in my bio.

You state child rearing as a solution to the existential problem and I think that is the wrong framing. Children give life meaning _for certain people_. There are many unhappy parents. There's a type of bias in the dichotomy of those who have and don't have kids. No parent will badmouth their child knowing full well that they're committing to that for the life of their child. Complaining about having kids is an admission of a bad commitment that will pay double digit years. There is a (biologically driven) feeling of love you have for your children and it is overwhelming. It is juxtaposed by hardships of raising children. This puts most parents in the middle of the regret/contentment spectrum. These are the reasons why parents aren't straight with others about having kids.

> it's the hardest thing you'll ever do but it's so rewarding

To set it straight:

- It's hard and there is no certain link between hard work and the reward of happy and successful children

- I have seen great parents with the worst children; at 40, they are angry and broken humans drifting directionlessly; since birth they have been angry and a pain in their parents' collective asses; they are the reason for parents divorce and will likely cause their early death as they battle with drug addictions, low self esteem and abusive relationships - all self inflicted. Both parents blame themselves and have had other happy and successful kids.

- God forbid you have a disabled child; this just plain sucks. If you have multiple children they all resent the disabled child. This child will never become independent and their life is your responsibility forever

- It involves a lot of stress and not a lot of thanks. Most kids are not grateful and don't realize the magnitude and sustain of time/money/sacrifice/stress it took to keep them alive and provide for them.

- It strains your relationship with your partner. Some parents I know are divorced primarily because of life stress caused by children.

- It complicates your life in every way. Want to take a walk? Dinner with friends? Travel? All these things are harder with children. You're constantly weighing opportunity cost because your available time is even more bottlenecked.

Know why you're having children and if you can handle it!!! Make sure you will never give up on them - this is a path to broken children. Index on negative experiences about what it's like to have children.

If after all that you still want kids, go forth and procreate!