The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness • Hacker News Board

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#851

Post by lostdog » Fri, Jun 07, 2019, 4:47 AM UTC

seltzered_ wrote: post #317

One thing to keep in mind is city-journal.org / manhattan institute is a conservative think-tank (see https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Manhattan_Institute_for_Policy... ). The author makes a lot of fair points I agree with but doesn't go into the positive situations - the change where people may have more ability now to get out of toxic families (or at least distance themselves), questioning how we can move beyond just…

The author had a lot of interesting things to say, but I wish they were a lot more open about their biases. It's pretty clear that they are starting from the position that marriage and "traditional" family values are important, and therefore hard to tell whether or not they are glossing over or ignoring conflicting evidence.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#852

Post by dragonsky » Fri, Jun 07, 2019, 4:58 AM UTC

I think this has very little to do with some "decline of the family" whatever that means and more to do with the dilution of social norms.

In the past it was expected that people would attend the local church/sports club/dance/get together and everybody did it even if they didn't really want to, because it was expected and the default behaviour.

These days, there is more acceptance that the members of your community may not share your interests, so the expectation of conformance has diminished and with it the obligation to attend community events.

This is great for those of us who have a social group that they identify with, as these fill the gap. Unfortunately for those of use who's social group is online, distant or non existent then there is no option for physical world socialisation. I would expect that as each interest group becomes more focused, the tolerance for divergent attitudes within those groups is reduced.

This leaves those of us who's socialisation would have been through these default activities with the choice of doing nothing and potentially being lonely, or having to make an effort to find a group we can fit in with and who will accept us.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#853

Post by Anardo » Fri, Jun 07, 2019, 5:02 AM UTC

S*, I have been in a "meaningful" relationships and felt lonely.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#854

Post by tachyonbeam » Fri, Jun 07, 2019, 5:12 AM UTC

rco8786 wrote: post #482

nugget wrote: post #15

Whatever it is today, I fear the future will be much worse. The most devastating existential consequences of loneliness can take decades to manifest. You feel a little lonely in your day to day life now, but wake up twenty years from now and realize you're socially isolated with no meaningful relationships or community and it's "too late" to make up the lost time. Most dangerous of all may be that online social netwo…

> Whatever it is today, I fear the future will be much worse. This is an easy trap for humans to fall into. "The sky is falling" type stuff. Humans have faced lots of problems over the millenia, but the reality is that our lives continue to improve as a whole..not get worse.

On the other hand, we're now facing situations that we've never faced before, both as a species and as individuals. Increasingly, we're moving towards a future where you will never need to leave your home or interact with anyone. Netflix, and Amazon deliveries. Self-driving cars. Kids will eventually get their education online. Virtual reality is under active development.

Then there's AI, and sex robots. Why bother with a real boyfriend/girlfriend when you can talk to your phone and have an artificial companion? Real humans have their own wants and needs and may not do what you want. Worse, they might leave you. Your robot girlfriend on the other hand, you could have endless conversations with her in which she tells you exactly what you want to hear and never challenges you.

That's far-fetched, you say. In the near term, I tried Tinder and it's pretty addictive. An endless stream of new people I can meet. Most of them want nothing serious though. They don't even want to sleep with you more than once or twice for the most part. It's all about novelty-seeking. It seems to me like increasingly few people want a sustained relationship. Breakups hurt, so let's never risk having one, a constant stream of lovers is emotionally safer in a way, I suppose, but I can tell you it definitely leaves me feeling lonely.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#855

Post by dang » Fri, Jun 07, 2019, 5:13 AM UTC

sdrn wrote: post #756

cwp wrote: post #677

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I had a bout of this about 20 years ago, so I made a rule for myself: I wasn't allowed to decline an invitation. If somebody proposed doing something together and I was able, I had to do it. That made a huge difference in my life. I did a lot of things that were... unexpected. (A few examples: I joined an ultimate frisbee league. I went skydiving. I joined a church group. I went to a strip club. I attended a wedding.…

"Smoke crack with me bro"

Not here, please.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#856

Post by Chirael » Fri, Jun 07, 2019, 5:20 AM UTC

kaybe wrote: post #592

Chirael wrote: post #166

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’m in Providence but have no idea how to send a DM on HN; if you can see the email on my profile feel free to send something

You need to put contact information into the 'about' text field of your user account if you want to be contacted, the account email address is hidden.

OK thanks, I added it

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#857

Post by abledon » Fri, Jun 07, 2019, 5:20 AM UTC

KaoruAoiShiho wrote: post #466

beat wrote: post #378

My own concerns are different. I'm in my 50s now, happily married for over 25 years, with a terrific social life. I'm not at all lonely or isolated. It's my children that I worry about. They're boy/girl twins, now 25. My daughter is in the process of breaking up with the boyfriend she's lived with for the past two years, and moving back home to re-settle her life. She has a career, and wants to get married and start…

Your son's issue may be exacerbated by video game addiction. As a game developer I know exactly how effective our methods are.

what are your thoughts on League of Legends?

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#858

Post by john61 » Fri, Jun 07, 2019, 5:24 AM UTC

Also rivalry is favored over collaboration in our not species-appropriate economy and society.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#859

Post by abledon » Fri, Jun 07, 2019, 5:26 AM UTC

jriot wrote: post #574

esoterica wrote: post #451

Earlier quoted context omitted.

25 is very young. You’re not going to find many urban, college-educated 25 year olds willing to start a family that early.

25 is not young. I was married for 4 years (still married at 34 to the same woman), a one-year-old daughter, working as an air traffic controller for 7 years, deployed to the ME, stationed at three different bases, traveled to 12 countries (at the time), completed undergrad, and half-way through graduate school. The age appearing young is because society likes to make excuses on why people haven't gotten their act to…

"25 is not young"

really it depends on the person's fitness & genetics. its just a number. I know people who are 23-27ish, they either look like 17 year olds or 39 year olds.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#860

Post by dragonsky » Fri, Jun 07, 2019, 5:29 AM UTC

grahamburger wrote: post #550

beat wrote: post #462

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Pretty severe autism. The main reason we never just kicked him out is because he really can't function on his own. He'd suck at being homeless. That was hard for me to get used to, as I've been on my own since I was 18. And his sister moved out as soon as it was practical for her, although she lives just minutes away and we see her at least weekly. And if there's one piece of parenting advice I can offer, it's this..…

> And if there's one piece of parenting advice I can offer, it's this... your kids are their own people. Parents only have just so much control. (The flip side is also true; at a certain point, you can't just blame your parents for your own life.) My kids are still pretty young (<10) but this is something that I increasingly understand/believe the older they get. One of the most surprising things for me as a dad was…

I think you are so right. Society seems to think that how children turn out is fully the result of the actions of parents. Whilst this is correct to some extent, in most cases from the early teens children are distinct individuals who will make their own decisions and mistakes. I think this is even more true now than it was when I was a child, the diversity of information and views they have access to pretty much ensures that there would view will diverge from that of their parents.

As a parent, you can provide an example of behaviour and whilst the child is young provide restrictions and discipline as necessary, but beyond a point, your work is done and it's up to them.