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Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

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Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#841

Post by unsupp0rted »

blumenkraft wrote: post #774
neilk wrote: post #438

You have to be the one who creates things to do. Really, that’s it. You want to play D&D together, you host and DM. You want to just hang out, you reach out and propose what you’re doing. You want more purposeful and meaningful time, join a volunteer group you vibe with. Even if it’s meeting for coffee. You have to be the one who reaches out. You have to do it on a regular cadence. If, like me, you don’t have little…

So what you're saying is you basically have to give. This is what I find real life is like. Unless I'm giving something, like a ride to some interesting place, people are not interested in me at all. They just want to get something from me, that's it.

You have to provide value.

Unless you are pretty and young, nobody will automatically want to be around you unless you’re providing value.

Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#842

Post by Hnrobert42 »

asgerhb wrote: post #839

The question is about systemic solutions: - Invest in 3rd places: · Zoning that allows small businesses and cafés to be near where people live. · Invest heavily in public libraries. · Invest in public parks and spaces. For places where it rains a lot, maybe that should include roofed structures. · Increase and promote funding for social organisations. Give money to orgs for every member. - Create more free time: · Ma…

There's a little convenience/liquor store at the first floor of my suburban apartment building. I mean true convenience store. Lots of shelves with snacks and liquor. Bright lighting. Zero ambience.

It also has a tiny bar. Like 3 feet long with three stools. One terrible television.

Yet there are always people in there hanging out. People are so desperate for a place to hang that is not their house that they will hang out in a convenience store bar.

Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#843

Post by LinXitoW »

SchemaLoad wrote: post #448
neilk wrote: post #438

You have to be the one who creates things to do. Really, that’s it. You want to play D&D together, you host and DM. You want to just hang out, you reach out and propose what you’re doing. You want more purposeful and meaningful time, join a volunteer group you vibe with. Even if it’s meeting for coffee. You have to be the one who reaches out. You have to do it on a regular cadence. If, like me, you don’t have little…

I've been trying to do this. One thing I've observed is trying to arrange people to play board games is quite difficult because you can't predict how many people will show up. People get sick, misread the times, etc. And a lot of games are very sensitive to player count, so having 2 people too few or too many has the ability to make the game somewhat unplayable or risk people sitting out watching. Easier to just host…

Just in case you need some recommendations:

Party games: Scale well with more people, easy to explain

- Werewolf

- Werewords

- Codenames (favorite)

Beginner Games: Accept a decent amount, somewhat easy to explain

- Camel Up

- Flip 7

- Dungeon Fighter

- Ticket to Ride

Games that have nothing to do with your problem, but I just wanna mention:

- Everdell: Cute critters prepare for winter

- Root: Cute critters prepare for war

- Azul: Place fancy tiles that look and feel delicious

- Bohnanza: The best part of Catan without the bad parts

Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#844

Post by alistairSH »

apothegm wrote: post #811

By restoring free “third places” where people just go to hang out and either bump into people they know or meet new people. The sorts of interactions you get in the common room in a dorm or a school cafeteria.

What sorts of places do you have in mind? Obviously dorms and cafeterias are great for college-aged adults, but for somebody in their late-20s and beyond?

Locally, we have plenty of non-chain coffee shops, a good selection of small breweries/pubs, assorted gyms of all types and prices (CrossFit, Golds, etc), the local community center has assorted classes (dance, language, arts), and the community college has plenty of evening courses across most subject areas. Toss in MeetUps and Facebooks groups and there's plenty of chance to do things with social groups.

Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#845

Post by PaulHoule »

tern wrote: post #691
PaulHoule wrote: post #331

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This movie https://joinordiefilm.com/ based on the work of Robert Putnam is an essential backgrounder on the topic. Yet, if you're concerned about Gen Z, 2-4 are aspirational at best. Churches, clubs, live music events, and every other group my son attends have a lot of people who are 35+ and children that tag along but the 18-30 demo is almost absolutely absent at events away from the local colleges and universities…

While I have no doubt that this is a liberating practice for you, for anyone else reading, you can also actually become a real shaman in pretty much any shamanic tradition, and I know many people who who have done that. This is, in fact, an excellent way to fill your life with meaning and connection if it's something you're called to.

I agree. This was my path which came out of about 20 years of research and experience. It is usual to get an initiation from others, be part of a lineage, etc. My route was the hard way, I spent my time in the wilderness and paid my dues in my own way.

Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#846

Post by astura »

marliechiller wrote: post #808
SwtCyber wrote: post #723

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"Be the organizer" assumes a certain baseline of energy, confidence, and emotional resilience. For people who are already lonely, depressed, neurodivergent, burned out, or socially anxious, that constant reaching out + rejection tax can be genuinely exhausting, not just uncomfortable

As someone that fits some of the above categories, I think you really have to step back and repeatedly tell yourself "get over it". Its the same mentality to "I dont want to go to the gym today". You immediately feel better as soon as youve finished it and wonder why you always drag your feet before.

>, I think you really have to step back and repeatedly tell yourself "get over it". Its the same mentality to "I dont want to go to the gym today". You immediately feel better as soon as youve finished it

No, no, no, it's absolutely not the same, OMG, nothing alike. "I dont want to go to the gym today" isn't the kind of profound, all encompassing, and existential dread that attempting to organize a social event is. Especially when you push yourself to organize and it doesn't work out, which has happened to me before. Those feelings are legitimately nothing alike, the fact someone is comparing the two is wild to me.

I do still need to try to overcome it and get over it, but it's not even as remotely as simple as you claim.

Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#847

Post by artyom »

Sorry, wrong diagnosis in my opinion.

There's not a loneliness epidemic, there's a selfishness epidemic. Nobody does anything for anyone anymore (unless there's money involved, of course).

That's the reason people is alone, avoids having kids or dealing with other people's stuff that could disrupt their overly comfortable western way of life.

Even people that's not that selfish is operating in that environment.

Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#848

Post by Rick76 »

This is something that I care deeply about and have put a lot of thought into. I can only speak to what I think needs to be done in America.

Public transportation.

Removing or heavily rolling back zoning laws.

Government investment in child care.

Nature takes the path of least resistance. If we want people to actually meet people and have the energy to make meaningful connections, the government has to set up the infrastructure to make it possible.

I’m going to gloss over Europe because I went there for the first time, and it blew my mind.

People were at the park at 4 pm! I live in a city and hardly see people outside at 4. They have the time to go to these 3rd places.

People were visiting friends with kids, which blew my mind because everyone I know who has had a child instantly has dropped off the grid socially. I understand why, but we need to make it easier for those children and parents to continue to have social interaction.

In my hometown, everything is so spread out that visiting a friend could be a 30-min drive. I was conditioned to believe that isn’t a lot, but at the end of a workday, who has the energy? Personally, I think public transportation would help that also create a lot more interactions with strangers to maybe create new friendships.

Also, zoning laws would help that. If everything there is to do is 40 min away, it adds so much resistance that it’s not worth it for most people. If every neighborhood had a pub or restaurant, it would add a lot of meeting points for your neighbors and will create a lot more spontaneous, “let’s invite this stranger to eat with us.”

Lastly, we have to work less. This is the toughest to chew. I’m fully in the office now, but when I was hybrid, it was so much easier to see friends because I had some ownership of my time. We need to have the energy to be social.

I have a lot of friends but don’t have the time or energy to see them so I have felt lonely for the past couple of years.

I think it’s true walkable communities like Europe kinda feels like college, everyone is busy and have their own life but hanging out is so accessible that it’s a matter of why not hang out compared to why hang out

Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#849

Post by m4ck_ »

alistairSH wrote: post #824

I wish I understood how people arrived at this state in the first place… My parents are retired boomers who’ve lived in the same area for decades. This has afforded them a strong local fried network, despite being an ocean away from their homeland and extended families. Mom and her friends have a weekly gathering to chat and have tea/cake. My wife and I likewise have a geoup of local friends. We get together quarterl…

>Is this mostly a Millenial thing? Is there a whole generation that for whatever reason never found hobbies outside work?

Millennials were/are repeatedly economically fucked by boomers. Difficult to have hobbies or a social life when you're thrown on your ass by your greedy parents at the same time that the shitheels they elected ruined the economy (2008.) And I'll pre-empty any BS about money, money is required for everything, there is no such thing as free in the "land of the free".

Re: Ask HN: How can we solve the loneliness epidemic?

#850

Post by IsTom »

HansHamster wrote: post #667
neilk wrote: post #438

You have to be the one who creates things to do. Really, that’s it. You want to play D&D together, you host and DM. You want to just hang out, you reach out and propose what you’re doing. You want more purposeful and meaningful time, join a volunteer group you vibe with. Even if it’s meeting for coffee. You have to be the one who reaches out. You have to do it on a regular cadence. If, like me, you don’t have little…

> You have to be the one who reaches out. But that's the whole issue. Who am I supposed to reach out to? The 2 people at work I occasionally talk to because they happen to sit in the same office as me?

I've seen people organize for boardgames on facebook neighbourhood groups.
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