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Talking to strangers at the gym

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Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#801

Post by jliptzin »

thitran wrote: post #726
jliptzin wrote: post #533

I just assume any guy trying to make small talk with me at the gym is trying to hit on me, which I am correct about maybe 80% of the time. I know because I am a gay guy so I know how this kind of thing goes. Not that I have a problem with it, I am always happy to talk to any strangers if they want to, for pretty much any reason. As a straight-passing guy though, women at the gym never approach me except to ask if I a…

I was worried about the same thing. I couldn't find a solution so I kinda just accepted that if they misinterpreted me then that's ok. I politely back off and leave them alone. It feels awkward the few days after but I quickly got used to it and I have had no issues afterwards. I'm sorry if this didn't help, I know I'm basically saying jUsT aCcEpT iT

That’s been my strategy as well

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#802

Post by dweekly »

socalgal2 wrote: post #701
dweekly wrote: post #415

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My read on the book was "humans are really good at telling if you genuinely care about them or not and will respond well to that, so you should genuinely care about the people around you, and good things will result from that overall, especially if you're not super mercenary about it." Bill & Ted said it most pithily: be excellent to each other.

Serious question - what is your definition of "genuinely care"? The Carnegie example doesn't show "geninuely care" to me. It's nice, I think I should do it. Give people random but geninue complements. It's nice. It costs nothing. It makes both of us feel good. But, is that "genuinely care"? I ask because I'm bad at conversation. I hear this "genuinely care" and I just, usually, can't get myself to do it. I don't care…

I think a reasonable proxy for "care" is genuine curiosity about who a person is, how they came to be where they are, what makes them tick, coupled with a general desire for positive things to happen to them in their life.

If you believe that most people have things about them that are fundamentally interesting, you will put effort in to find those things, and you'll generally be successful in finding them. If you have a belief that most people are fundamentally uninteresting, you will not put in the work, and your beliefs will be validated because you will fail discover anything of interest in most people around you.

The act of earnestly wondering about a person is very flattering - this will help people open up to you and share their interestingness. If you can layer that with an additional thought of what useful thing you might be able to do for them, such as another person who might be able to help them, or a piece of advice you can give that might save them time, you will develop a reputation as a person one should talk to.

This then will increase your hit rate on being useful which is a nicely positively compounding cycle.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#803

Post by dweekly »

Ntrails wrote: post #777
socalgal2 wrote: post #701

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Serious question - what is your definition of "genuinely care"? The Carnegie example doesn't show "geninuely care" to me. It's nice, I think I should do it. Give people random but geninue complements. It's nice. It costs nothing. It makes both of us feel good. But, is that "genuinely care"? I ask because I'm bad at conversation. I hear this "genuinely care" and I just, usually, can't get myself to do it. I don't care…

> Give people random but genuine complements. It's nice. It costs nothing. It makes both of us feel good. I'm worried it'll come off as creepy/weird so I never do. I've seen the power of other people doing it, but I cannot do it free from that worry so it's always gonna be off vOv

The only path to cool is through cringe. You can do it!

I think a lot of people after a random compliment might be wondering if the other person is trying to get something out of them, like a date or a business deal. When it becomes clear that you're leaving it there with no expectation of reciprocation they can truly internalize the compliment.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#804

Post by fortyseven »

alecco wrote: post #402
mtlynch wrote: post #80

One of the things I like about this is that OP is giving people genuine compliments without any particular agenda. It reminds me of one of my favorite parts of How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, where he tells a story about complimenting someone, and a student asks what he was hoping to gain from offering the compliment. Carnegie is incensed: > I was waiting in line to register a letter in the…

> One of the things I like about this is that OP is giving people genuine compliments without any particular agenda. IMHO that is as fake as a car salesman. Mature, cultured people will say thank you and think " what a nuisance ". I prefer being open about my motives. Smart people appreciate truth over compliments. And if the dumb/immature get offended, good riddance. I used to be a big fan of HtWFaIP, but eventually…

Well you're fun at parties, I bet.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#805

Post by lanamo »

nozzlegear wrote: post #112
alexmuresan wrote: post #98

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I avoided this book for a long time. for some reason I got it in my head that it's a sort of red pilled book that teaches you how to manipulate people. I know it's very shallow on my side, but I somehow crystallized this opinion based on a few acquaintances that claimed to read it and instead that they include the name of a person they just met in every sentence because it made that person like them more. Your commen…

> I avoided this book for a long time. for some reason I got it in my head that it's a sort of red pilled book that teaches you how to manipulate people. FWIW this book came out in the 1930s, long before "red pilling" was a thing. I've read it before and it's not about manipulating people unless you consider being a genuinely sincere person to be manipulative in some way. It's a good book, if a little outdated, and,…

also interesting: Dale Carnegie admired Alfred Adler, the Austrian psychologist; Adler said “the solution to the world’s present problems lies in social interest: concerned relationships between people and groups”. Adler never rose to fame (in the west) - but he also didn't care about it. the book "The Courage to Be Disliked" is about Alfred Adler.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#807

Post by damirkotoric »

mtlynch wrote: post #80

One of the things I like about this is that OP is giving people genuine compliments without any particular agenda. It reminds me of one of my favorite parts of How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, where he tells a story about complimenting someone, and a student asks what he was hoping to gain from offering the compliment. Carnegie is incensed: > I was waiting in line to register a letter in the…

Ironically enough, Dale Carnegie's book is about as far as you can get from genuine human connections. The whole book is centred aruond an underlying desire to gain something from someone.

So good on you for finding that one genuine bit of interaction in the entire book.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#808

Post by nasir »

wordpressed wrote: post #316
nasir wrote: post #27

Around 15 years ago I took on the challenge to start a conversation with random people to break through this barrier and train this muscle. What I started with was to chit chat with those I had already established an interaction. For example at the Starbucks I would say something to barista. Those interactions were short but broke the ice. Later I went for random people in the street and that was quite awkward. There…

I'm not saying this is you, but i've also ran into a lot of those people, almost always men, often in their late 30s or 40s, going around talking to everyone cracking jokes and thinking they're the live of the party, while everyone else is just silently annoyed by them.

There's a fine line between being/not being that person. Self deprecating humor is usually works best. Also, when "everyone else is silently annoyed" that means the person can also know that. So there's a feedback loop providing signal and if someone doesn't realise that then they become annoying.

Re: Talking to strangers at the gym

#809

Post by throwaway2037 »

jmye wrote: post #759
weregiraffe wrote: post #663

Earlier quoted context omitted.

How can you make yourself genuinely care about something you don't care about? It sounds as plausible as changing your own sexual orientation.

I genuinely care about my friend. He's really into bee-keeping. I don't care at all about bees. But he cares about it, so I ask questions because I care about him . I have now learned enough about his bee-keeping to be legitimately interested in whether, say, his bees survived the winter or to be upset with him that an invading swarm killed them. The simple answer to your question, I think, is that you probably can't…

Without doubting anything about your intent, I feel like I am the guy who shows interest in other people, but other people show very little interest in me. Frequently, I am listening to someone talk about someone they care about, and I attentively listen, and try to ask friendly, encouraging questions. At some point, my mind begins to think: "Can I just replace myself with a cardboard cut-out and will they keep talking about themselves?" Sadly, I think the answer is yes. I don't know what to do about it.
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