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Having Kids

paulgraham.com

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Re: Having Kids

#801

Post by adamsbriscoe »

nyczomg wrote: post #731
triangleman wrote: post #131

Hey guys. Anyone else have the experience of having kids, getting a burst of energy, but of course all that energy goes directly back into the kids and house, and you have absolutely no life for 3-5 years or more? Because my kids are 2 and 4 and so far it's been 4 years of no life, no freelance clients, almost no learning/hobbies, just 35-40 hours a week of working as much as I can at the office and then everything i…

As a father of 4 year old twins, all I can say is that you have described my life. We also bought a fixer upper when our kids were about 2 years old. I have nothing to contribute other than an upvote, and a plan to read through the comments in this thread. Life is hard. I feel beat down and depressed a lot. I would also love some words of wisdom. All I can contribute to this discuss is that I can relate. My kids (and…

Twin dad here. The struggle is real! This is just my 2c, but kids are designed to take and take until there's nothing left of you. It's not their fault, but that's just how it is. You can still be an engaged parent and have wonderful experiences with them, but you (major emphasis) cannot let your health suffer.

Keeping your mental sanity is as important as not letting them wander into a busy street or play with fire, etc. You are no good to them as an empty, stressed, beat down carcass of your former self. I have all kinds of strategies that I put into play when I find myself tapped out, but n=1 and I doubt it would be useful to others, I just wanted to share that I 100% get you. Take care of yourself, just like you would your kids.

Re: Having Kids

#802

Post by r_singh »

triangleman wrote: post #131

Hey guys. Anyone else have the experience of having kids, getting a burst of energy, but of course all that energy goes directly back into the kids and house, and you have absolutely no life for 3-5 years or more? Because my kids are 2 and 4 and so far it's been 4 years of no life, no freelance clients, almost no learning/hobbies, just 35-40 hours a week of working as much as I can at the office and then everything i…

I guess the Indian system of living with your family comes to some use here. Kids are entertained and taken care of by their grandparents, cousins, etc. ever so often that parents do get a decent bit of time off.

Re: Having Kids

#803

Post by anonu »

burlesona wrote: post #70

I agree with this a lot. I was pretty anti-kid, not in the sense that I didn’t want them ever, but that I didn’t want them “any time soon.” My wife was this way too, until one day she wasn’t. I still felt pretty ambivalent about the whole thing until our first was born. Children really are interesting, and really do fill life with all kinds of quietly wonderful moments. We live in San Francisco, which is very hilly.…

North America is too big. And many decisions we made in the 40s and 50s put the car at the center of life. Car ownership was an expression of freedom and a growing middle class. The Eisenhower highway system ensured we could drive coast to coast.

In NYC, Robert Moses put the car at the center of his infrastructure build out. That's why Manhattan has two highways up and down it's waterfront... A squandered opportunity to have created a city that was more attune with it's surroundings.

Ultimately you might need to move to Europe to go car free. But most of the cities I'm thinking of were planned a millennia ago.

Re: Having Kids

#804

Post by whiddershins »

zzzcpan wrote: post #794

Oh god, let's get at least a little bit sciency about having kids. There are no serious chemical changes in men, only in women to a) deal with and forget the pain of child birth and b) form a bond with the child. Men are dreadful of having kids because they fear of having to support them, they are sort of tricked by women and pressured by peers, society, government to do it. Some men can find enjoyment and fulfillmen…

That’s simply false. Testosterone levels drop in men who even cohabitate with young children.

I have no idea what other changes might occur but I wouldn’t be surprised if there were others.

Re: Having Kids

#806

Post by ipython »

czbond wrote: post #263
abalone wrote: post #186

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Just looking for some dads who can relate and maybe give some wisdom on the subject of having young kids and losing your ability to work on something interesting--which to be fair I never did before having kids Your problem is not that your kids have blocked you from interesting work. In fact it sounds like quite the opposite: you are so passionate and rewarded by childcare that it has inspired you like never befor…

While I get the sentiment, I'd suggest many aren't built this way. Feelers are, and find value in the "feeling" of feeling needed, providing, caretaking. There are groups (of which I am one) who find literally no personal value in that. Childrearing is a series of rote tasks, performed repeatedly, that are performed on billions of humans raised. If anything, childrearing made me suic-idal for years at the mind-numbin…

But isn’t it beautiful and awe inspiring that such an inefficient system has, over thousands of years, managed to produce such amazing technological breakthroughs?

It’s a slog, but changing your perspective can help you understand both the critical part you play in the progress of the human race yet the minisculity of everything that we do. It’s quite fascinating.

Re: Having Kids

#807

Post by zzzcpan »

whiddershins wrote: post #804
zzzcpan wrote: post #794

Oh god, let's get at least a little bit sciency about having kids. There are no serious chemical changes in men, only in women to a) deal with and forget the pain of child birth and b) form a bond with the child. Men are dreadful of having kids because they fear of having to support them, they are sort of tricked by women and pressured by peers, society, government to do it. Some men can find enjoyment and fulfillmen…

That’s simply false. Testosterone levels drop in men who even cohabitate with young children. I have no idea what other changes might occur but I wouldn’t be surprised if there were others.

> Testosterone levels drop in men who even cohabitate with young children.

I call bullshit. There is at best a correlation of cohabitating with young children and periods of sexual inactivity, but probably correlation of periods of sexual inactivity and participating in the study you pulled that data from, i.e. it's a bullshit study.

Wikipedia has good enough explanation about when testosterone levels change in men: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Testosterone#Males

Re: Having Kids

#808

Post by whiddershins »

zzzcpan wrote: post #807
whiddershins wrote: post #804

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That’s simply false. Testosterone levels drop in men who even cohabitate with young children. I have no idea what other changes might occur but I wouldn’t be surprised if there were others.

> Testosterone levels drop in men who even cohabitate with young children. I call bullshit. There is at best a correlation of cohabitating with young children and periods of sexual inactivity, but probably correlation of periods of sexual inactivity and participating in the study you pulled that data from, i.e. it's a bullshit study. Wikipedia has good enough explanation about when testosterone levels change in men:…

Interesting.

Re: Having Kids

#809

Post by Cougher »

javieranton wrote: post #757
Cougher wrote: post #752

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Sort of agree, but sometimes hard replies can be the slap-in-the-face that makes people rethink what they're doing. Someday these parents may look back on the lovely little people they created and remember how much effort they spent trying to avoid being around them.

I am assuming you aren't a parent. We spent so much time with our daughter during her early years because we thought like you do. My wife didn't work, etc. Those were terror years. One day, my wife said she couldn't bear it anymore and asked that we bring her to the nursery for a few hours 1 day a week. My daughter LOVED IT. Her speech, everything about her development improved greatly. Every nursery day was the happ…

You would assume wrong about me not being a parent and you also assume wrong that you "thought like [I] do] based on a few sentences on a public forum.

Re: Having Kids

#810

Post by Cougher »

lordnacho wrote: post #782
Cougher wrote: post #752

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Sort of agree, but sometimes hard replies can be the slap-in-the-face that makes people rethink what they're doing. Someday these parents may look back on the lovely little people they created and remember how much effort they spent trying to avoid being around them.

Don't think of it as "I don't want to be around my kids" but "My kids will develop better with other experiences than just me".

I didn't say, nor did I imply either one of these statements in your false dichotomy.
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