The case for having roommates even when you can afford to live alone • Hacker News Board

Re: The case for having roommates even when you can afford to live alone

#81

Post by kaikai » Sat, Aug 02, 2025, 10:09 PM UTC

jlarocco wrote: post #46

I think personality plays a big role. If it works for you, great! But living with a group of people sounds like hell to me. When I go home, I want to be alone and relax. I don't want to deal with other people's shit, and I don't want to bother them with mine. It's so unappealling to me, I would live out of my car before I gave in and tried living with roommates.

I’m an introvert and that’s part of why I prefer to live communally. When I live alone it’s very very easy for me to not interact with another person in real life for days at a time. That’s not good for my mental health in the long term, even if it’s “easier” in the short-term.

Re: The case for having roommates even when you can afford to live alone

#82

Post by swat535 » Sat, Aug 02, 2025, 10:14 PM UTC

illiac786 wrote: post #75

1970-01-01 wrote: post #68

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes, it is financially concerning. You do not need to own a house, but you do need to show you are financially responsible enough to pay for rent, utilities, etc all by yourself.

I would argue that living with roommates may be harder than living alone, from a financial responsibility point of view. You not only need to be responsible for yourself but you need to deal with roommates which may not be. Of course, you could be the financially irresponsible roommate, but I think your date can figure this out quite rapidly then, based on how much your roommates will hate you ;)

Good point, additionally, how do you expect the relationship to grow if you are not unable to unfortunately secure basic private lodging?

Most women might be fine with this arrangement while casually dating in younger years but I have yet to see anyone being at ease in this situation.

Don't forget that we are talking about 30+ years old, at this age most people are looking for something stable, of course you can always find exceptions but your available pool of candidates shrinks.

Re: The case for having roommates even when you can afford to live alone

#83

Post by netsharc » Sat, Aug 02, 2025, 10:42 PM UTC

deadghost wrote: post #44

I generally like having roommates, but when they're bad, they're BAD. I've also never done the communal cooking thing. Either they don't cook, are bad at cooking, or have dubious food hygiene. I haven't met any potential partners through them either. I might take a walk or swim with them but I sure as hell didn't get OP's experience.

Makes me think humankind has been enshittified too: crappy parents/educational system creating more crappy humans, instead of "high quality" ones.

But then again, I always realize how far civilization has come when I enter a public toilet: not far at all.

I look around my messy apartment and realize I'd also be a not-great flatmate.

Re: The case for having roommates even when you can afford to live alone

#84

Post by pentamassiv » Sat, Aug 02, 2025, 10:51 PM UTC

wussboy wrote: post #49

I think it's important to call out the difference between "what I prefer" and "what is good for me". We understand this fully in many aspects of our lives (from "My body prefers to do heroin" to "I prefer not to exercise but I do it because it's good for me"). I see a lot of comments here along the lines of "I prefer to live alone because roommates are a pain in the ass", but I think there might be a lot of value to…

I think so too. It helps to form good habits. If you have a roommate for example, you can't leave your dirty dishes everywhere and need to clean it as soon as you are done. You can learn a lot from your roommates too. One of my ex flatmates was super crafty and I got a different perspective on things thanks to that.

I used to live in a flat with one flatmate who changed every half a year or so because they were usually interns. Never knew them before they moved in but 90% of the time we became friends. I liked that they changed after a while so I was never stuck with a bad roomate.

I don't recommend the other way around. If you have a good friend it's more likely to notice their annoying habits so there is little upside but in a worse case you can damage the friendship.

Re: The case for having roommates even when you can afford to live alone

#85

Post by netsharc » Sat, Aug 02, 2025, 10:51 PM UTC

OutOfHere wrote: post #26

mock-possum wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why women? It’s written by a woman, certainly, who does offer the disclaimer, > I understand not everyone is wired like I am. Why not men? Why would a man not prefer to live with roommates, to split meals and chores and have easy companionship for a cup of tea and a movie at the end of the day? On the other hand, why should a man not want to be naked around the house, play trashy music at 7am, and bring someone home…

Women can be more social, whereas men can be more independent, taken to their respective extremes. Men don't like having to explain their behavior to someone, or want to tolerate anyone else's behavior. Being social was cool back in college, but not since past the age of 35. Men are fighting hard to improve their resumes/businesses/finances/health, and as such their lives, and they don't need or value idle time spent…

So is this behavior defined by societal rules and expectations, or by the genders' own nature?

I'm a man, and as I get older I feel like the idea of men having to be less social and aggressive (e.g. the part about not tolerating stuff - or the opposite idea that women are fine with suffering in silence while someone has poor behavior instead of speaking up) harms us.

Re: The case for having roommates even when you can afford to live alone

#86

Post by archagon » Sat, Aug 02, 2025, 10:52 PM UTC

8f2ab37a-ed6c wrote: post #27

In the US, is it concerning when a "grown man" in his 30s or 40s and beyond still lives with roommates, when dating and trying to attract a mate? Is there an expectation that you should be displaying a certain lifestyle that will attract a partner, and if you're living with a bunch of roommates, you're failing to do that? I believe that's not the case in many other countries in the world, but what about the US?

Maybe ask some actual women instead of random men in tech?

Re: The case for having roommates even when you can afford to live alone

#87

Post by archagon » Sat, Aug 02, 2025, 10:56 PM UTC

Aurornis wrote: post #39

sunscream89 wrote: post #16

I have lived in “intentional communities” and attest that mature and self capable men and women of all ages can and do live excellently in compact (from [augmented] single home suburban dwellings of a dozen *or more) to ranch style configurations. It is truly a new level of human excellence. The Epicurean garden of our age. This has never worked without the WORK involved. People clean, people have a forum for regular…

> It is truly a new level of human excellence. The Epicurean garden of our age. > This has never worked without the WORK involved. People clean, people have a forum for regular discussion, people have responsibilities, and people come and go. > If you want a better life sometimes you have to game up with a better self. I think it’s funny to hear the concept of teaming up with other people, putting in the work, sharin…

Uh, that’s a weirdly cynical take on it. They’re not “reinventing” the concept of a family, they’re choosing their family. I’m not sure why that’s so strange to you versus, I guess, raising kids in some sort of isolated nuclear family type environment?

Re: The case for having roommates even when you can afford to live alone

#88

Post by Aaargh20318 » Sat, Aug 02, 2025, 11:34 PM UTC

kaikai wrote: post #81

jlarocco wrote: post #46

I think personality plays a big role. If it works for you, great! But living with a group of people sounds like hell to me. When I go home, I want to be alone and relax. I don't want to deal with other people's shit, and I don't want to bother them with mine. It's so unappealling to me, I would live out of my car before I gave in and tried living with roommates.

I’m an introvert and that’s part of why I prefer to live communally. When I live alone it’s very very easy for me to not interact with another person in real life for days at a time. That’s not good for my mental health in the long term, even if it’s “easier” in the short-term.

Same here. I’m autistic and so is my best friend. When I had to move out of the dorms after graduation I knew it was a bad idea to live alone. I’m very comfortable being alone and if I wouldn’t share a home I would probably end up completely isolated. We’ve been sharing a house for two decades and it’s working for us.

Re: The case for having roommates even when you can afford to live alone

#89

Post by thunderfork » Sat, Aug 02, 2025, 11:47 PM UTC

w10-1 wrote: post #76

If it's a great house or location or deal, people will stay notwithstanding conflict. When housemates go from single to partnered, it's an unsolvable conflict because housemates are not the priority and the partner is mostly unwanted in the house. If you as a single person join a house with committed partners, you'll forever have to accept what they want. When people disagree, the stakes of one's living space is typi…

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Re: The case for having roommates even when you can afford to live alone

#90

Post by em-bee » Sat, Aug 02, 2025, 11:55 PM UTC

lantry wrote: post #59

8f2ab37a-ed6c wrote: post #27

In the US, is it concerning when a "grown man" in his 30s or 40s and beyond still lives with roommates, when dating and trying to attract a mate? Is there an expectation that you should be displaying a certain lifestyle that will attract a partner, and if you're living with a bunch of roommates, you're failing to do that? I believe that's not the case in many other countries in the world, but what about the US?

It depends on what you want to do with your life, and what kind of partner you want. Most people want to date someone with their own place, because most people want their own place. If you want to live in a communal living situation, you're not going to be very happy if you partner up with someone who wants their own place. Will you sacrifice communal living in order to gain a partner? Or will you look for a partner…

i make it a point to be myself because i want my partner and my friends to accept me the way i am. i use it as a filter to weed out people who are looking for something else even if that makes finding friends more difficult. that doesn't mean i don't change things. but those are things i don't mind changing or things that help me to be a better person. (eg. i started to shave once i went to china, because in china people generally don't have beards, and having one makes you look old, but some time after i got married i started to grow a small beard again, even though my wife didn't like it because i preferred it that way)