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Intentionally making close friends

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Re: Intentionally making close friends

#81

Post by the_only_law »

AntoniusBlock wrote: post #25
Xcelerate wrote: post #11

I fortunately have close friends, but not through any of my own doing. Over the years, there were a lot of friendly extroverts that encouraged me to hang out and join them for burger night, or they’d message me when they were in town. Everyone I dated took the initiative to ask me out, including my wife. I always feel awkward when I reach out to people, as though I’m bothering them somehow, so I tend to avoid doing s…

If people are going out of their way to approach you (especially women), then it's probably down to you being attractive or at the very least above average.

Something happened within the last year, either to the general social environment around me or my own demeanor. I used to be able to go out and speak to people, have convos, people would even approach me.

This year has been much different though. When I go out no one wants to talk, except for straight lunatics. At the bar the other night the only guy who wanted to talk went on a tirade about “the Jews” and kept asking if I was a Jew. A couple years ago I could have had a nice conversation with someone who had just sat next to me.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#83

Post by acbullen »

rjbwork wrote: post #42
moralestapia wrote: post #20

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't disagree with your post, but this only works in communities where: 1. Trust hasn't been eroded (i.e. fraudsters/salesmen do not predominate) 2. There is an external stimuli towards making friends (i.e. socializing is being perceived as a good thing) 3. There is an internal stimuli towards making friends (i.e. disregarding #2 and all other personal needs met, one still feels the need to connect with others) Th…

>1. Trust hasn't been eroded (i.e. fraudsters/salesmen do not predominate) I have become much more guarded and cynical in the past few years after a handful of interactions like this. At a bar or restaurant, and strike up a conversation with someone, only to have them, 15-30 minutes later, introduce me to their MLM, FX, Trading Mentor, House Flipping, etc. scam, and then swiftly disengage when I am uninterested. I'm…

I feel similar, but mostly from leftover baggage from working retail. If someone says something nice to you when you're working a cash register, 9 times out of 10 they want you to do something for them and you're about 10 seconds away from them flipping over to a verbal abuse strategy to get what they want

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#84

Post by gruez »

nier wrote: post #69
Xcelerate wrote: post #11

I fortunately have close friends, but not through any of my own doing. Over the years, there were a lot of friendly extroverts that encouraged me to hang out and join them for burger night, or they’d message me when they were in town. Everyone I dated took the initiative to ask me out, including my wife. I always feel awkward when I reach out to people, as though I’m bothering them somehow, so I tend to avoid doing s…

NPC as in non-playable character? One of the first search results reads: «[…] slang used by millenials to denote people who act as if they are being told by someone to act in a specific manner, although that may not be the case. Using this abbreviation, the commentator or the creator is poking fun at the other person for acting in a certain manner.»

Right word, wrong meaning. In the result you quoted, a person's intelligence is being compared to that of a NPC, implying that the person can't think for themselves and does whatever they're told like how NPCs in games act. The gp seems to imply a slightly different meaning, where a person is thought of as being not being a real person, and is only someone you go to for transactional work related stuff.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#85

Post by the_only_law »

rjbwork wrote: post #42
moralestapia wrote: post #20

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't disagree with your post, but this only works in communities where: 1. Trust hasn't been eroded (i.e. fraudsters/salesmen do not predominate) 2. There is an external stimuli towards making friends (i.e. socializing is being perceived as a good thing) 3. There is an internal stimuli towards making friends (i.e. disregarding #2 and all other personal needs met, one still feels the need to connect with others) Th…

>1. Trust hasn't been eroded (i.e. fraudsters/salesmen do not predominate) I have become much more guarded and cynical in the past few years after a handful of interactions like this. At a bar or restaurant, and strike up a conversation with someone, only to have them, 15-30 minutes later, introduce me to their MLM, FX, Trading Mentor, House Flipping, etc. scam, and then swiftly disengage when I am uninterested. I'm…

Maybe I’m paranoid, but I’ve seen too many people get exploited and shit on by people behind their backs while they keep the nicest demeanor face to face. Grown adults at that. Some of these people were well into their 30s.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#86

Post by jrochkind1 »

thenerdhead wrote: post #56

Serious question. For those who have had close friends in their late teens to mid 20s, do you still have close friends after a significant life event like getting a job, getting married, moving to a new city, having a baby, etc? I relate with the author of this article in my 20s, but cannot relate at all in my 30s because my life has significantly changed (for the better).

Wait, you're saying you can't relate anymore because you don't have close friends anymore and don't want any? Or because you have close friends naturally so don't need to analyze how to do it?

I am older than my 20s, and have moved jobs and cities a couple times, but I don't have a spouse or kids. I still have some close friends (including one or two i've had since my 20s and one or two i've met subsequently), but would personally like more and closer. I'm not sure if that answers your questions!

My guess is a lot of people in our particular society in the USA stop having close friends when they have a spouse and kids... but I don't this this is true in all places and times, and I personally suspect it's not very healthy and people would be doing so much better in many ways, including unexpected ones in ways people don't realize would be affected by this, if they had more non-family intimacy. But whatever works!

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#87

Post by the_only_law »

Every few years I get this urge to “start over” somewhere new where I’m going to turn everything about my life around. Whenever I’ve tried to make friends or be social, it seems to fall into this almost cyclical pattern.

I’ll find a group of people who hang out and join that. Tend to make pretty good inroads early, and people seem to like me.

Then over time the group slowly starts to fracture into “cliques” none of which I eventually fall into. It starts to feel at some point that I’m no more than a court jester, there to make opportune jokes to entertain the other cliques. People care less about what I have to say and I guess any eccentricities about me that intrigue people get old quick.

Sooner or later there’s a big drama caused by some petty disagreement and the group fractures along those cliques. Sometimes reconciliation is tried, but by that point no one’s schedules line up, or half the people are always sick, etc.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#89

Post by tinglymintyfrsh »

Disclaimer: no unsolicited advice please.

I'm old(er) mid-40's, single, no kids, and never married. I don't have much family or close friends. Hookup culture is de rigueur but it doesn't interest me. Where I'm at, there isn't a context to meet people and most random people in public around keep to themselves and treat me like I'm invisible. I do volunteering but that also doesn't go anywhere.

If you have to constantly take the social initiative, then you're carrying the relationship. Sometimes absence is better. Instead of dwelling on loneliness or self-pity, keeping productively busy seems a better alternative.

I'd like to have a family and kids, but an inability to find and make friends precludes that. The thought of getting old alone, having no one to check-in on me, no one to bury me, no one to care that I'm gone, and no one at a funeral seems depressing. I don't see how I won't end up in a "potter's field" somewhere.

Re: Intentionally making close friends

#90

Post by _chu1 »

nier wrote: post #69
Xcelerate wrote: post #11

I fortunately have close friends, but not through any of my own doing. Over the years, there were a lot of friendly extroverts that encouraged me to hang out and join them for burger night, or they’d message me when they were in town. Everyone I dated took the initiative to ask me out, including my wife. I always feel awkward when I reach out to people, as though I’m bothering them somehow, so I tend to avoid doing s…

NPC as in non-playable character? One of the first search results reads: «[…] slang used by millenials to denote people who act as if they are being told by someone to act in a specific manner, although that may not be the case. Using this abbreviation, the commentator or the creator is poking fun at the other person for acting in a certain manner.»

NPC as in someone who is unremarkable, is basic and the same as everyone else, hence the name a non-playable character (moreso referring to a background characater).
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