Who do we spend time with across our lifetime? (2020) • Hacker News Board

Re: Who do we spend time with across our lifetime? (2020)

#81

Post by topkai22 » Thu, Aug 04, 2022, 1:55 PM UTC

e3bc54b2 wrote: post #55

sylens wrote: post #54

One thing I have noticed now, and I'm not sure if its a function of myself and my family being older, is that we feel much less compelled to get together for holidays and other events even though the travel time has remained mostly the same. When I was younger, my family would make it a habit of getting together at least on Christmas and Easter and usually also the 4th of July for a big party. Not everybody lived sup…

I've come to see this as symptom of increased prosperity. When money was tight, people were what provided comfort. Everyone got together to prepare and celebrate. Now that families can afford to pay someone else to do it, we are basically left with a lunch/dinner and some time talking, which doesn't feel far off from old school aristocratic galas. There is little emotional investment beyond 'maintaining the network'…

ACOUP’s series on subsistence farming had a great exploration of why for most of human history investing in social relationships was an import survival strategy: https://acoup.blog/2020/07/24/collections-bread-how-did-they...

It’s not just that when times were tight people provided comfort, it could quite literally mean the difference between survival or not to have built the bonds of social capital across households, including within the extended family/tribe.

Re: Who do we spend time with across our lifetime? (2020)

#82

Post by watwut » Thu, Aug 04, 2022, 1:57 PM UTC

Markoff wrote: post #78

watwut wrote: post #72

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> then when you have your own kids you will start seeing your parents in different context as you became parent and see you was maybe more harsh on them than they deserved Is this really so common or just something a writer said once? Because I definitely went the opposite way. And genuinely, I never seen anyone say that they did became more understanding toward stuff that bothered them the most when they were younge…

It's my own experience, while I still disagree with many things my parents did, I don't judge tham as much as before I had kids, now I'm more understanding. It doesn't even mean you approve their approach, you can choose different one, but you can see how difficult it is whatever you decide to do.

That is the thing, I went opposite way. I understood what they were aiming for with certain things and do judge them more harshly for it.

Re: Who do we spend time with across our lifetime? (2020)

#83

Post by cpsns » Thu, Aug 04, 2022, 1:58 PM UTC

noisy_boy wrote: post #7

philosopher1234 wrote: post #4

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I would reread the chart. Time with friends and time with partner stays the same through 60. You just don’t work as much, and your kids move out. It doesn’t seem so tragic to me.

Tragic for folks without a friend circle - your main remaining company is basically your partner which, unless you delight in each others company, isn't great.

And some people don’t even end up with a long term partner. The outlook for some is incredibly bleak.

Re: Who do we spend time with across our lifetime? (2020)

#84

Post by troppl » Thu, Aug 04, 2022, 2:14 PM UTC

williamtrask wrote: post #60

xkgt wrote: post #59

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I came across an interesting take on this in the book Algorithms to live by [1]. They argue that old age is a time of exploitation (as in explore/exploit strategy) where we tend to prioritize relations/experiences that we know to be rewarding. At a younger age, we are more accommodating to explore new experiences. That is why a teenager entering a dorm in a new environment full of strangers can get excited while for…

I think there are maybe other reasons to believe a retirement home may be less fun than a dorm.

I think the other commenters here really don't get what you mean or have never been to a retirement home. For people that really don't understand how this is not a good example: retirement homes reek of death. Even if you yourself are still fit, most people there won't be. This means that even though you would have the (mental/physical) capacity to enjoy your time there, you first need to find the few people that have that as well. Compare that to a college dorm, where almost everyone wants to socialize...

It really isn't just about mindset! Sure, that will have something to do with it, but it's really a minor part, and even then, it will be much much much harder to have a positive mindset there then in a college dorm. (Again, I'm not saying it's not possible - I'm really just trying to make people empathize with older people that don't want to go into a retirement home. I think that it's a really reasonable thing not wanting to go there)

Re: Who do we spend time with across our lifetime? (2020)

#85

Post by riekus » Thu, Aug 04, 2022, 2:26 PM UTC

spaceman_2020 wrote: post #17

Whenever I have a family vacation, I can’t help but think how unnatural our present lives are. For thousands of years, we essentially just lived with and around family. Yet now I get to see my entire family for a few days every year. Some cousins I haven’t met in years. The people I spend the most time with everyday are also the people I care the least for - colleagues and acquaintances. I don’t have a solution. But…

I agree, about one year ago while backpacking for couple years I landed in a rural village in rural Australia, met a girl there and stayed for 18 months. I myself am from the Netherlands, and really noticed how life there revolves around things that I think are so much more important. Like bigger families, nature, lots of space and better work life balance. In the end I couldn't live with the thought of me creating a new family there and leaving my parents, sisters and niece's behind even though I would love my future siblings to life this simpeler rural life.

On top of this, the girl I broke up with visited for the last 3 days and just drove her to the airport, she dug up all these emotions again and second guessing my decision again..

Your post really resonated

Re: Who do we spend time with across our lifetime? (2020)

#86

Post by Clubber » Thu, Aug 04, 2022, 2:28 PM UTC

watwut wrote: post #68

xkgt wrote: post #59

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I came across an interesting take on this in the book Algorithms to live by [1]. They argue that old age is a time of exploitation (as in explore/exploit strategy) where we tend to prioritize relations/experiences that we know to be rewarding. At a younger age, we are more accommodating to explore new experiences. That is why a teenager entering a dorm in a new environment full of strangers can get excited while for…

That does not explain why old people of the past organized these, young people of the past helped then and participated in these.

I would theorize part of it is boredom and specifically fighting it. When I was very young, there were only a few channels on television. I could read some books, watch tv, play with my toys, but that was about it as far as entertaining myself. Today, I have plenty of things to fight boredom and to socialize without leaving the house, as do my kids.

When you are bored a large percentage of the time, you seek ways to alleviate boredom, such as going to events, hanging out with friends, hosting parties, etc.

I think a lot of people don't realize how boring life was as early as the 1980s for most people. I can't imagine how boring things were prior to that.

Another reason is just the fear people have today, facilitated by the news and politicians. I'm sure it plays some sort of role. There was a lot of fear peddling in the 1980s too.

Re: Who do we spend time with across our lifetime? (2020)

#87

Post by Swizec » Thu, Aug 04, 2022, 2:49 PM UTC

sylens wrote: post #54

One thing I have noticed now, and I'm not sure if its a function of myself and my family being older, is that we feel much less compelled to get together for holidays and other events even though the travel time has remained mostly the same. When I was younger, my family would make it a habit of getting together at least on Christmas and Easter and usually also the 4th of July for a big party. Not everybody lived sup…

Perhaps a controversial take on why we feel like doing less – remember the pandemic? It’s been just long enough that the last 2 years feel like “This is how it’s always been and always will be”

But it’s not! The last 2 years are abnormal in every regard. The joy for life will return. The gatherings will be back. Seeing family will be fun again.

Might take a little effort at first to break new old habits …

Re: Who do we spend time with across our lifetime? (2020)

#88

Post by woweoe » Thu, Aug 04, 2022, 2:56 PM UTC

bbarn wrote: post #40

renewiltord wrote: post #3

The real wisdom of this graph is that for people who aren't friends with their coworkers, they are spending 4x as much time with not friends as friends. For people who are friends with their coworkers they're just cheating on that play, boosting their friend time.

I've never lasted long at any position I didn't rapidly make friends. It certainly doesn't apply to everyone's personality but if I can't enjoy the company of people I spend a massive part of my day with it's a no go. I don't find fulfillment in my work. I hate the question "What do you do for a living?" I am there because I need to be until I have enough not to be, and so while I'm there I can't afford to be miserab…

I presume that you are an American. In many cultures the idea of making frie. In many cultures the idea of making friends at work is frowned upon because

Re: Who do we spend time with across our lifetime? (2020)

#89

Post by woweoe » Thu, Aug 04, 2022, 3:04 PM UTC

BigHatLogan wrote: post #23

spaceman_2020 wrote: post #17

Whenever I have a family vacation, I can’t help but think how unnatural our present lives are. For thousands of years, we essentially just lived with and around family. Yet now I get to see my entire family for a few days every year. Some cousins I haven’t met in years. The people I spend the most time with everyday are also the people I care the least for - colleagues and acquaintances. I don’t have a solution. But…

Well said. I'm not sure which method is "better" (maybe a society's overall productivity increases if children leave the home, but I don't know if this is "good" for the individual or not), but this does seem unnatural. However, I didn't feel this way during high school. I spent eight hours there during school itself, and then two or three hours afterwards playing sports with my friends. My memory is a little hazy, b…

I also would have preferred to spend more time with my friends than with my parents. Due to conflict with my parents I have no real desire to talk more to them nowadays either.

I think one of the reasons is because children are generally building their personality at high school, where as by the time we reach work we've already built over personality and we are no longer flexible.

Re: Who do we spend time with across our lifetime? (2020)

#90

Post by woweoe » Thu, Aug 04, 2022, 3:06 PM UTC

watwut wrote: post #72

Markoff wrote: post #35

Earlier quoted context omitted.

As they say you can't choose your family, but you can choose friends, so I can see how many/most of the people would choose between age 20-40 to stay away from family, then when you have your own kids you will start seeing your parents in different context as you became parent and see you was maybe more harsh on them than they deserved plus them helping with watching grandkids is also bonus (this doesn't really apply…

> then when you have your own kids you will start seeing your parents in different context as you became parent and see you was maybe more harsh on them than they deserved Is this really so common or just something a writer said once? Because I definitely went the opposite way. And genuinely, I never seen anyone say that they did became more understanding toward stuff that bothered them the most when they were younge…

I guess there is going to be a number of people whose parents were basically abusive.