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Loving Someone with Depression

mentalhealth.org.uk

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Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#81

Post by cm2012 »

magpi3 wrote: post #21

I think the overarching message with this post is right on whenever you are talking to someone who is struggling: listen, love, and don't judge. A hug is much better than a suggestion on how the family member can "fix" themselves. I also want to put a plug in for dogs. I have struggled with depression on and off in my life, and two years ago I adopted a dog I saw being abused in the street. She was just a little pupp…

Just want to say that dogs are not a magical panacea. I've seen them make life worse for depressed people (many dogs have behavioral problems that a depressed person is not equipped to deal with). If you're on the fence about taking on the responsibility of pet ownership, I'd lean towards the side of not getting one.

Some of the problems I've seen with people who've adopted dogs:

1) One dog got scared by a loud firework and now runs home from walks at any sudden sound, and won't even go out at all in many conditions, leading to great stress.

2) One dog has separation anxiety and shits everywhere if left alone too long.

3) One dog owner is depressed and doesn't walk her little dog, instead relying on wee wee pads, but the dog ignores them so the apartment is disgusting.

4) One has to wear a muzzle and chain harness on every walk and only the husband can walk him, since he goes berserk if he sees other dogs.

Etc. And all except number 3 above are people who are good with dogs, did everything you're supposed to do, consulted with trainers, etc. Look at the Biden's dog, Hunter - all the money in the world for training, a patient family and they couldn't fix his issues.

And then there's people out there who blame the owner/blame the victim when a dog makes the owner's life worse. "You must be just doing something wrong."

So again, if you're depressed, you might get lucky with a dog, but don't blame yourself if you have to rehome it.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#82

Post by DoreenMichele »

To whatever degree a thing is treatable with medication, I think it can be deemed to be a medical condition with somatopsychic side effects. And we should strive to embrace that idea and figure out how to heal whatever is wrong physically, in cases where that is one element of the issue.

Mental health issues are hard in part because the person who has it can't trust their own judgement. If people around you don't understand or are trying to force a solution on you against your will that isn't actually in your best interest, that combo can help keep you stuck.

I'm glad it's getting talked about. That's definitely a step in the right direction.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#83

Post by khazhoux »

rsyring wrote: post #71
AussieWog93 wrote: post #69

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I read your other comment. It was full of fluff and completely tone-deaf and inapplicable to anyone who has actually been through such a situation. I'd go so far as to point it out as an example of why nobody listens to philosophers any more.

My wife was married before me, it was terrible, and eventually divorced him. She would still consider my comment very applicable to someone in this kind of situation. The comment netted 60 upvotes...so I'm not the only one that thinks this way. It's not tone deaf, it's not discounting the pain and frustration that marriage can bring. It is challenging the pervasive self focus of our culture, over emphasis on personal…

> My wife was married before me, it was terrible, and eventually divorced him.

And yet you dismissed my original comment with a cheap shot about my friend not honoring his wedding vow and just chasing a selfish happiness. You might consider that there are many other people who find themselves in terrible marriages, as your wife did.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#84

Post by istorical »

I wonder when fecal microbiome transplant will be the next 'just try psilocybin / ketamine' and if it will work well.

Find a happy friend and freeze some of their poop, put it in gelcap, swallow it. See if it fixes the eternal sad.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#85

Post by kindadepressing »

breatheandfocus wrote: post #53
kindadepressing wrote: post #19

I’ve been depressed for 6 or 7 years. I’m 23 now. It doesn’t seem like it’s going to end. I’ve been in a challenging episode for the past few weeks. I have been fortunate to be able to take a week and a half off work. I thought it would be relaxing, but all I’ve done is lay in bed. My girlfriend lives with me, and I feel so guilty and embarrassed. I wouldn’t want to be with me. I don’t think my problems are ever goin…

You said something that I have experienced as well: > I don’t think my problems are ever going away. It’s been years, and every aspect of my life is way better than when this all started. Except my mental health. I still feel just as shitty as I did 6 years ago. I became very aware that my mental health was in very bad shape about 6 years ago. Ever since then I have been on a journey to try and understand why, becaus…

Thanks for sharing your experience and these resources. I read/watched each of them.

The OCD ones were especially interesting — I actually clicked around to some of the other articles on that site. I relate very much to the “obsessive” bits, but not so much to the “compulsion”. I spend a stupid amount of time thinking of past events, worrying about my mental health, and rehearsing imaginary conversations. I also obsess heavily about aspects of my girlfriend’s past, and this is something that has been observed by my therapist. I don’t know that I would qualify as OCD, though.

Congruent depression is something I wonder about a lot, although I haven’t heard it described in those terms before. I most often think about it in the context of Johann Hari’s TED Talk [1]. If I have congruent depression, it’s because I’m lonely. At the same time, I have no desire to hang out with people. This problem has really been exacerbated by Covid since I’ve been working remotely. I used to get “enough” social interaction from being in the office, but now I haven’t seen any of my coworkers in nearly 2 years.

Thanks again for sharing. Would love to hear more of your thoughts if anything else comes to mind.

[1]: https://youtube.com/watch?v=MB5IX-np5fE

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#86

Post by DoreenMichele »

azalemeth wrote: post #27
khazhoux wrote: post #24

A bit surprised no one's broached this question: At what point is it OK to leave your depressed partner? I know someone who left his depressed spouse of over 25 years. He loved her and tried to make it work, but eventually chose happiness for himself, for the second half of his life. He left her alone and essentially friendless. No easy answers there.

I did this. It was, by far, the hardest decision of my life. Years later I still silently feel guilty beyond anything and wonder deeply if it was the right choice. The reaction of my friends, parents and colleagues was something along the lines of "at last!" as they only saw me as a martyr who always "compromised" and put up with large costs, financially, emotionally, and with no reward other than being yelled at a l…

FWIW: I'm genuinely confused that you believe she was better off because you left, yet you feel like a monster and crave some kind of outside validation.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#87

Post by mnl »

orasis wrote: post #37

Yeah sorry. I’m not going to just listen. A lot of the time you need to push them to take the next step because they are STUCK. Go exercise, eat some healthy food, take your damn meds, try new meds, try ketamine if suicidal, try psilocybin if treatment resistant. But coddling depression just drags it out longer and digs the spiral deeper. Yes, it is a disease which means it needs to be treated.

[Deleted this as it was obviously unnecessary]

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#88

Post by d3ad1ysp0rk »

rsyring wrote: post #67
khazhoux wrote: post #50

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I wasn't at his wedding but presumably the vow leaned more towards the first. Are you saying that people should never get divorced, because the sacred vow should rule supreme, end of story?

I left a link in my parent comment that should shed light on my thoughts on marriage and commitment. But, to answer your question, I do think there are times when divorce is wise. I just think those cases are exponentially less common than the rate at which people get divorced today.

Today, or since 1970ish? https://www.bgsu.edu/content/dam/BGSU/college-of-arts-and-sc...

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#89

Post by orasis »

mnl wrote: post #87
orasis wrote: post #37

Yeah sorry. I’m not going to just listen. A lot of the time you need to push them to take the next step because they are STUCK. Go exercise, eat some healthy food, take your damn meds, try new meds, try ketamine if suicidal, try psilocybin if treatment resistant. But coddling depression just drags it out longer and digs the spiral deeper. Yes, it is a disease which means it needs to be treated.

[Deleted this as it was obviously unnecessary]

Multiple friends and family members are currently successfully managing their depression. Prior to that multiple weren't able to manage their depression and killed themselves. I had a close friend thank me on her birthday for suggesting ketamine - she said she probably wouldn't be alive without me making her aware of it.

Re: Loving Someone with Depression

#90

Post by PinkMilkshake »

DoreenMichele wrote: post #86
azalemeth wrote: post #27

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I did this. It was, by far, the hardest decision of my life. Years later I still silently feel guilty beyond anything and wonder deeply if it was the right choice. The reaction of my friends, parents and colleagues was something along the lines of "at last!" as they only saw me as a martyr who always "compromised" and put up with large costs, financially, emotionally, and with no reward other than being yelled at a l…

FWIW: I'm genuinely confused that you believe she was better off because you left, yet you feel like a monster and crave some kind of outside validation.

I thought having multiple conflicting emotions/beliefs/desires was like 99% of the human experience and the source of almost all art, philosophy, etc. (I'm being somewhat hyperbolic)
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