Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found • Hacker News Board

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#81

Post by danharaj » Sun, Sep 22, 2019, 4:28 PM UTC

jcims wrote: post #33

paganel wrote: post #5

As a man is pretty damn hard keeping friends after the age of 30, especially if you happen to go trough a divorce when suddenly more than half (if not more) of your friends get to “choose” the other side. Yeah, you get to ask your friends back from high-school or college out for a beer but chances are they’re also in a middle of a divorce or they’re too busy with family requirements (can’t blame them) or too stressed…

I sometimes wonder if I’m broken when I see comments like yours, which seem heartfelt and correct and as it should be (the desire for friendships that is). Maybe it’s because my wife and kids fill the void, but I just have no interest in making or maintaining friendships. My wife has a really cool coworker that tries to get me out of the house but i just kinda flop on him. I live in a secluded spot that you can’t see…

Think about it this way. If you find friends that vibe well with you, you're reducing the pressure on your family later in life to keep you connected. It is a real concern.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#82

Post by rtpg » Sun, Sep 22, 2019, 4:29 PM UTC

rutierut wrote: post #69

DeusExMachina wrote: post #23

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I moved to another country at the age of 30, which meant the number of friends I had dropped to 0. What worked for me was starting dancing tango, where I built a newer, better and larger network than the one I previously had. I guess this can apply to any social activity where you can interact with people, be it social dancing or coocking classes.

This is amazing, it really shows character that you take action to solve your problems and are successful in doing so. So please know that this is not aimed at you personally... But... I am so freaking sick of people recommending others to pickup either salsa or tango! Not of the people that recommend this themselves but are there really no other options? Tango/salsa classes seem to get recommended again, again and a…

depending on the area there are various sports clubs out there (I do badminton every once in a while and have met fun people there)

Also just going to tech meetups or something related to an actual hobby? There are definitely things going on.

If you’re looking for something with a decent gender balance then yeah something sports-y will probably work out better

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#83

Post by username90 » Sun, Sep 22, 2019, 4:29 PM UTC

jcims wrote: post #33

paganel wrote: post #5

As a man is pretty damn hard keeping friends after the age of 30, especially if you happen to go trough a divorce when suddenly more than half (if not more) of your friends get to “choose” the other side. Yeah, you get to ask your friends back from high-school or college out for a beer but chances are they’re also in a middle of a divorce or they’re too busy with family requirements (can’t blame them) or too stressed…

I sometimes wonder if I’m broken when I see comments like yours, which seem heartfelt and correct and as it should be (the desire for friendships that is). Maybe it’s because my wife and kids fill the void, but I just have no interest in making or maintaining friendships. My wife has a really cool coworker that tries to get me out of the house but i just kinda flop on him. I live in a secluded spot that you can’t see…

> my wife and kids fill the void

This is pretty common among men, but what happens if you get divorced? Any plan-b?

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#84

Post by [deleted] » Sun, Sep 22, 2019, 4:29 PM UTC

daenz wrote: post #46

throwaway66920 wrote: post #17

The article states 18% of men had no close friends, significantly higher than women at 12%. Honestly that’s doesn’t sound hugely different to me. For every two women with none, there’s three men with none. The gap is a bit smaller for best friends too.

>The gap is a bit smaller for best friends too. It's not: 32% for men, 24% for women. Also, this attitude is why "men are the disposable gender" is a thing. Real problems that are correlated with men are dismissed and ignored as not significant.

[deleted]

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#85

Post by mattmanser » Sun, Sep 22, 2019, 4:29 PM UTC

rutierut wrote: post #69

DeusExMachina wrote: post #23

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I moved to another country at the age of 30, which meant the number of friends I had dropped to 0. What worked for me was starting dancing tango, where I built a newer, better and larger network than the one I previously had. I guess this can apply to any social activity where you can interact with people, be it social dancing or coocking classes.

This is amazing, it really shows character that you take action to solve your problems and are successful in doing so. So please know that this is not aimed at you personally... But... I am so freaking sick of people recommending others to pickup either salsa or tango! Not of the people that recommend this themselves but are there really no other options? Tango/salsa classes seem to get recommended again, again and a…

Tons. Most cities will have a social club with a range of activities.

Go look on meetup for "social" club type things, or choose a sport and Google for clubs, or whatever. Boardgame clubs, programmer meetups, kayaking, rambling, rock climbing, etc.

Volunteering is another option for meeting people.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#86

Post by dleslie » Sun, Sep 22, 2019, 4:29 PM UTC

PeterStuer wrote: post #78

dleslie wrote: post #35

Earlier quoted context omitted.

A great many people in the USA work well beyond 40h a week, and have a few hours of daily commute time on top of that. For them the weekends are for recovery; there is no physical or emotional energy for social engagement or self care.

It is not just the US. 10 hour workdays (officially 7.8, but if you would actually 'just' do that and skip the 8am or the 6pm meetings you will not be keeping up with the Joneses and pay the piper) and spend 2-3 hours in commuting each day doesn't leave much for hobbies.

It's true; China has the 996 problem, for instance.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#87

Post by buro9 » Sun, Sep 22, 2019, 4:30 PM UTC

I run 300 forums, and I had a startup for them. The lofty goal of the startup was to "cure loneliness" but I never told the users that.

My path to doing this was to encourage interest based communication, in a way that would allow them to take it offline. How? Well to make it interest + geography, i.e. horology nerds in Cumbria, cyclists in London, petrol heads in Cornwall, audiophiles in Suffolk.

By binding together an interest, and a geography, it naturally encourages trade, showing off, having a beer... and coming together. But not in a way that ever was to "cure loneliness" (which few people admit to feeling, and frankly most people find lonely people unattractive people from the perspective of wishing to hang out with someone like that).

By providing a space to share a passion, the forums brought people together.

I had to make our own software to achieve this, i.e. a forum with events built-in by default, etc. But it worked.

Except I couldn't get it funded beyond the crowd-funded angel round :shrug . But still, 250k monthly users, hundreds of marriages, tens of thousands of friendships, and still people meeting weekly for beer and chatting with others.

And like all love, when the lust is gone what remains is something special... these forums are evolving now, from the original interests, into just a group of friends for life.

If I were lonely today, I would say... identify a hobby or interest you could get into, start looking for entry things to dive in, and then look for groups on MeetUp, or forums online, that will help you find other people.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#88

Post by personlurking » Sun, Sep 22, 2019, 4:30 PM UTC

jcims wrote: post #33

paganel wrote: post #5

As a man is pretty damn hard keeping friends after the age of 30, especially if you happen to go trough a divorce when suddenly more than half (if not more) of your friends get to “choose” the other side. Yeah, you get to ask your friends back from high-school or college out for a beer but chances are they’re also in a middle of a divorce or they’re too busy with family requirements (can’t blame them) or too stressed…

I sometimes wonder if I’m broken when I see comments like yours, which seem heartfelt and correct and as it should be (the desire for friendships that is). Maybe it’s because my wife and kids fill the void, but I just have no interest in making or maintaining friendships. My wife has a really cool coworker that tries to get me out of the house but i just kinda flop on him. I live in a secluded spot that you can’t see…

>I see it in my youngest daughter as well, and I do worry for her

It's good that you worry. As children of staunch loners, my siblings and I all turned into loners as adults. Edit: We don't even talk to each other.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#89

Post by rolltiide » Sun, Sep 22, 2019, 4:31 PM UTC

tonystubblebine wrote: post #63

paganel wrote: post #5

As a man is pretty damn hard keeping friends after the age of 30, especially if you happen to go trough a divorce when suddenly more than half (if not more) of your friends get to “choose” the other side. Yeah, you get to ask your friends back from high-school or college out for a beer but chances are they’re also in a middle of a divorce or they’re too busy with family requirements (can’t blame them) or too stressed…

An important post-30 strategy that I use is to assume that all friends with children are prisoners in their own home. You know exactly where they are. You know they don't have plans. They are desperate for adult conversation. That means you can invite yourself over, bring takeout, and basically make their day. I'm coupled but this should work as a single. Our parent friends say it's actually easier to be friends with…

This was my strategy with club promoters.

They maintain an air of exclusivity with gaggles of beautiful women around them, and self preservation would tell you not to dare approach any of the women or the table and that the promoter - usually male - would be disinterested or aggressive towards you.

But a reality is that the promoters are also desperate for casual conversation. All those beautiful women around and if the promoter gets close to any one then they lose entire cliques, and then lose the other clique when the relationship is over. The promoters are also prisoners. Introducing yourself and partying with them lets you act just like the models on the table, and access to all models on the table because remember: you aren't a promoter :) but you have inherited the clout just from being there and competition has been completely removed. The selection of women have been pre-selected by several people (the model agency, the state department, the promoter, the doorman, the man/men that subsidize them) otherwise that woman would not be at the table. This results in a heavy selection evolution of consensus-based attractiveness but the exact same distribution of whether two people will be interested in each other. Very advantageous compared to the general population in being around consensus-attractive people (as in, even if its not your ideal you still know what other people find attractive and the social benefits that come with that).

A lot of benefits in recognizing these things.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#90

Post by motohagiography » Sun, Sep 22, 2019, 4:31 PM UTC

These trends are set in contrast to times when fraternal organizations provided a kind of social fabric that isn't the norm now.

For men who are recognizing that social isolation is a long term risk in their lives and want to do something about it, I heartily recommend looking into these organizations. They're a mixed bag, like anything, but a bunch of guys who can hold anything together for decades should make anyone's list of options to investigate.