Be spooky: people get tense, scared, etc.
Don't be spooky: "how can you drop that BOMB on my lap without warning? YOU MONSTER!".
I may be thinking about romantic relationships, though...
Don’t be spooky
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Re: Don’t be spooky
#72Earlier quoted context omitted.
It’s impossible for me not to have any fear of someone whose job is (in part) evaluating and criticizing my work and determining whether I should be fired.
I should clarify: I don't mean that you shouldn't be worried when you get the "let's talk" message. What I mean is, it shouldn't come across as "spooky"; that is, when they say it, it shouldn't leave you with the utterly baffling sensation of not knowing whether they are about to tell you something utterly horrible or something utterly trivial.
And how would that work?
No matter the connection between two people, how close they are privately, none of that can fill in the missing information.
Even your best friend or even your spouse can have some very bad news for you. In the context we are discussion it is rare that only one person and exactly the one giving you the request will be completely in control over what it's about.
The news does not have to originate from them, they are just reporting it. So you may have the greatest of relationship with that person and you know 100%V they have your best interest in mind at all times, but you don't have that same connection with the rest of the entire universe which can be the real origin of the message you will be receiving.
There also is to take into account that humans are much more likely to try to delay bad news while good news is shared much more easily and quickly. So receiving the discussed communication already tends to be used more frequently for talks people would rather not have.
Re: Don’t be spooky
#73Tons of comments here agreeing that this kind of vague messaging is to be avoided (and I'll toss my comment in there as also being in agreement). But....clearly there are people out there who use this kind of communicaton, some of them doubtlessly reading this thread. So my question is: those who do say vagaries like "let's talk when you have a minute* - why? What is your intention?
As someone who isn't a manager but has used similar phrases on occasion, it's short for: * I know I'm interrupting so you don't have to act on this immediately. * I also don't want to be overheard (in my case I didn't want the family member I was using it with to share something if they were with friends), so the message doesn't let on what the conversation will be about. * Hopefully it won't be a long conversation.…
> and it's always been neutral or positive - a manager I don't have regular conversations with wants an update on something big they know I'm working on, my immediate manager wants to tell me about an upcoming project and if I can take it on/put aside current stuff to do it (and it's urgent enough it can't wait until our normal 1-on-1), stuff like that.
Yes, it usually is. But the whole point of avoiding phrases like this is that the person does not know this beforehand, which can put them in a state of uncertainty. It's not at al difficult to just say "hey, can I get an update on your project" in your example.
Re: Don’t be spooky
#74Can confirm also happens in relationships and best to be avoided.
Re: Don’t be spooky
#75Yes, thank you. As someone with anxiety / panic disorder, spooky things like "we need to talk" at the wrong time can be a trigger. That doesn't really happen often for me anymore professionally (being a principal engineer, well regarded, hard working, competent, with tons of jobs I could jump to), but when I was more junior and less financially / personally secure it would bother me.
Re: Don’t be spooky
#76Early in my career I got a Monday morning meeting invite on a Friday afternoon just after I left the office. The meeting was called “The future of “ Entire weekend was a write off. I was so anxious. And yep. They shut down the unit (but I got to keep my job). As a result this is forefront in my mind as a manager. One thing that works great is whenever I ask questions about something, anything, I also say “this is on…
Isn't there an unwritten rule about layoff timing that it's always on a Friday? Always do layoffs on Fridays so people have time on the weekend to calm down instead of going postal?
Re: Don’t be spooky
#77Earlier quoted context omitted.
I’d usually first communicate that in an email where you express your appreciation and briefly explain why you’re leaving, along with your last day. Then the manager will usually schedule an exit interview for the report (or, if you’re at a bad company, fire you on the spot).
Eh, when I left my last company I felt it was important to deliver the news in person. I had been with my manager 3 years and an email didn’t seem right.
Having been both an employer and manager giving and hearing "major" news (departure / restructuring, etc as is being discussed), I'm torn. On one hand, we are conditioned that its important to deliver news in person and not hide behind email, and I agree with this - it's much more collegial to have a conversation.
On the other hand, I don't react well to having news spring on me. My heart can race, I need some time to think through it by myself in order to be ready to discuss it rationally. I doubt I'm the only IT person in this boat. And likewise, if I'm delivering bad news, I end up spending more time worried about reactions that properly explaining myself. So a note in advance, to break the tension, could lead to a more effective conversation, vs. surprising someone. I understand there could be legal reasons why you'd have to terminate someone in person, but outside of that, it's nice to give people time to consider what they'd like to discuss before pulling them into a discussion.
Re: Don’t be spooky
#78> When you’re communicating with your team, lead with context and reassurance. Never message someone on your team, “let’s talk when you get a minute”. That’s void of information and scary as heck! This should be engraved on a plaque in every office building.
As silly as it sounds, I use the technique of using of using _really_ informal language to avoid spookiness "Wanna see somthing cool?" "Lets shoot the shit after this" "Yo, you wanna hang for a minute at 4"
Why can’t you just say what the topic is ahead of time? It’s still not any better, just more bro-y
Re: Don’t be spooky
#79Earlier quoted context omitted.
I'd like to be able to follow this advice always, but what about when, say, you're scheduling a call with your manager to let them know you're leaving the team? Do I lead with context by titling the meeting "Discuss my Departure"?
I’d usually first communicate that in an email where you express your appreciation and briefly explain why you’re leaving, along with your last day. Then the manager will usually schedule an exit interview for the report (or, if you’re at a bad company, fire you on the spot).
I have seen situations where the person was immediately escorted out, but it was for competitive security purposes. They still got paid for their 2 weeks. That seems fine, if a little paranoid.
Re: Don’t be spooky
#80I feel like most anxiety among people today is due to lack of confidence. Confidence isn't just about getting things done in time, it's also about willing to accept the outcome of an event and run with it. Without it bothering you.