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People Like You More Than You Know

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Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#71

Post by piazz »

I transferred into my university as a junior. I was older than my peers, having trod a somewhat unconventional life path before transferring. My first year at the new university, I felt felt alienated and invisible. While I made a few close friends, I couldn't seem to really integrate into the larger social fabric of the place. People just didn't seem to care about me.

Or, so I thought. One day at a party, after enduring this perceived ostracization for two semesters, a very drunk close friend pulled me aside to tell me that everybody thought I was this "mysterious transfer who thought he was too cool to talk to anybody". Everybody wanted to talk to me.

Most everybody knew of me, a number of girls had crushes (!!!), and a few flattering (though unfortunately, untrue) rumors even circulated about my exciting life before coming to school. Everybody wanted to get to know me but I apparently exuded some aura of elitism that kept people at bay.

I was stunned, to say the least.

So yeah, we never know what others think of us. I never quite recouped my squandered social capital, but it was a huge wakeup call that I'll carry with me through life. We can rarely trust our internal critics when it comes to evaluating what people think of us, and sadly, we miss opportunities because of it.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#72

Post by mostlysilent »

djajshgsjja wrote: post #33
mostlysilent wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It takes me about 3-4 months of being around someone regularly before I'm able to hold a conversation that's more than direct answers to direct questions. It's impossible to hide pretty well, or at all really. Everyone I've ever known says something like "you don't talk much, do you" or something equally obvious. I used to wonder if people ask others the obvious "you're fat, aren't you" etc. I've learnt that few peop…

I’ve had the same issue, and it’s really tough. I’ve had some success by asking people questions, paying attention to the answers, asking follow up questions, sharing details about myself if relevant. It doesn’t come naturally and I don’t always do it right, but it has allowed me to become friends with some people who I wouldn’t have been friends with otherwise.

I've been trying to do this. Even practicing in the mirror, but it doesn't feel the least natural. Like I still don't know the rules or limits. I feel like a bad actor playing a bad part who doesn't know his lines. Everyone else seems to do it without a thought. I used to think everyone just thought stuff up more quickly.

The friends I have came to know talking comes later. Mainly from a situation where we were around each other enough to get past my weird quiet stage.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#73

Post by topmonk »

oatsandsugar wrote: post #17
sharkweek wrote: post #12

I'm sure this is true. Another thing I'm sure of is how little time most people spend thinking about other people. Even the people in my life I don't care for, I rarely spend more than a passing moment thinking about them, even if they're in the same room. The ones I do think about a lot are the ones I love (wife, children, closest friends). Despite knowing this, though, I'll admit that I can spend a lot of time thin…

This reminds me of a fortune cookie I once had, that I first thought was aggressive, and then I found liberating: "You'd care less about what people think about you if you realized how little they do"

When some one said, "Most people laugh at you," his reply was, "And so very likely do the asses at them; but as they don't care for the asses, so neither do I care for them."

- Diogenes

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#74

Post by mostlysilent »

coldtea wrote: post #45
mostlysilent wrote: post #18

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It takes me about 3-4 months of being around someone regularly before I'm able to hold a conversation that's more than direct answers to direct questions. It's impossible to hide pretty well, or at all really. Everyone I've ever known says something like "you don't talk much, do you" or something equally obvious. I used to wonder if people ask others the obvious "you're fat, aren't you" etc. I've learnt that few peop…

> I've learnt that few people like a strange, mostly silent creature being around long. It's very rare that I'm around anyone long enough for me to get past it and actually make a friend. Well, being a friend is all about communication. If one sits silent, how can the other gauge if they are good friend material? They could be totally incompatible, a jerk, rude, stupid, etc -- and there's no way to tell otherwise unl…

I recognize this, and yeah it's obvious why others find it strange.

I find it difficult to explain. I can fake and cope when rules are known. I can talk where there's shared rules for everyone like an interview or a class, with staff in a store. When it gets to free format, like the lunch break, I don't know the answers any more and have to take time thinking up something to say, so people reasonably move on to more interesting targets. Or just start to find me weird. Put another way, ask me what I want to eat or of the code I just wrote and there's an answer in my head straight away, small talk with strangers gets complete silence in my head. I never seem to recognize body language and signals either. Then it gets difficult, as I have to start thinking hard for what's next. I once thought everyone's that way and just really fast at it.

I've heard enough people describe it in ways that make it sound so easy, like riding a bike not needing any thought. I need to translate it into my native language. I don't think I'm making any sense now, so I'll stop.

Think I may be somewhere on the aspergers, autism or ADHD spectrums, I recognize some of all, but none seem to quite nail it. Looking back a better career choice would have been the military to live mostly under known rules. I can do that.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#75

Post by liveoneggs »

Balgair wrote: post #39
sureaboutthis wrote: post #23

These are true stories. I don't wish to come across as bragging. The last day of a job I had for seven years, the director of engineering told me I was the best engineer he ever knew. And he worked for some pretty well known engineering firms. If he had told me that before, I might not have left. A woman came into my office--someone who didn't seem to want to give me the time of day--and the conversation got around t…

Also, not trying to brag: I've also been told similar things, usually by people that thought less of me (or so I thought, sometimes for years). Typically it's a 'last day' phenomenon. I've had a fair few experiences where I was leaving a place and thought everyone had hated me, but, like you, I was totally wrong. There is one glaring exception though: my winter coat. It's really the only piece of clothing that I have…

cool coat, though

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#76

Post by Jeff_Brown »

DoreenMichele wrote: post #64
AnIdiotOnTheNet wrote: post #63

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> A couple times I have seen men brush off / refuse compliments it looked like because they wanted to seem modest You make that sound like it's some kind of deliberate manipulation or something, some of us were just brought up with the idea that doing helpful things for people is expected and not really that big a deal, and it makes us uncomfortable when people make a big deal of it.

It's also actually socially very problematic to have praise heaped on you publicly. It makes other people jealous and causes lots of backlash. The single most effective thing I have found for reducing forum drama is to mostly ignore any compliments. Saying "Thank you" is inevitably followed by multiple people feeling compelled to openly and publicly hate on me.

A way to avoid that dynamic could be to compliment only when no competitors to the receiver are around. A more direct solution would be to make sure those competitors all feel secure.

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#77

Post by [deleted] »

Jeff_Brown wrote: post #76
DoreenMichele wrote: post #64

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's also actually socially very problematic to have praise heaped on you publicly. It makes other people jealous and causes lots of backlash. The single most effective thing I have found for reducing forum drama is to mostly ignore any compliments. Saying "Thank you" is inevitably followed by multiple people feeling compelled to openly and publicly hate on me.

A way to avoid that dynamic could be to compliment only when no competitors to the receiver are around. A more direct solution would be to make sure those competitors all feel secure.

[deleted]

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#79

Post by liveoneggs »

sigfubar wrote: post #31

Does it really matter what others think? Too much of our self-worth is tied up in the fleeting opinions of others. There are only two opinions that matter to me: my wife’s and my daughter’s. The rest of humanity is made up of people I interact with for a specific purpose, such as work, and those interactions are governed by certain rules. Within such frameworks we play our roles and go our separate ways after, and no…

I have this exact same amount of care about the opinions of others (my wife + children matter to me very deeply; everyone else can go fuck themselves) and it hasn't exactly endeared me to others, but personalities are hard to override :)

Re: People Like You More Than You Know

#80

Post by x0 »

InitialLastName wrote: post #9
finaliteration wrote: post #4

It takes me about 3-4 months of being around someone regularly before I’m convinced that they aren’t constantly annoyed by me and everything that I say. I hide it pretty well. Sartre was on to something with his comments about “the gaze of the Other”.

That's funny. It takes me about 3-4 months of being around someone regularly before I'm not constantly annoyed by them and everything that they say. I hide it pretty well. I've had to learn the difficult way that my first impression of people is usually not an impression they deserve.

> It takes me about 3-4 months of being around someone regularly before I'm able to hold a conversation that's more than direct answers to direct questions.

I had trouble with this for a time, I just tried to take my answers a tiny step further. If someone says "Wow, it's cold outside", instead of just responding with a "Yeah, it is cold", try and add your opinion on it. "Yeah it's cold, I love this weather", or "Yeah it's cold, I hope it gets warm for the weekend, because I was planning $outdoor_activity". Anything along those lines will make you seem more personable.

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