Being ambitious and being a dad

However, why is pregnancy scarier than it used to be when it is safer than it has ever been? It seems to be more scary in developed countries than in poor ones too.

I wonder whether the loss of the "village" might be part of the reason for this. it certainly is for a lot of other things around having kids.

Over time I've come to realize that some of the most organic time—sometimes seemingly mundane, other times seemingly very unpleasant—spent with your kids can yield some incredibly high quality downstream. It isn't about being opportunistic. It's about gradually building something together. It's the same with any relationship. If you treated your spouse like this, they would leave you. If you treat your kids like this, they're mostly trapped, but given the chance one day, they will likely leave you behind to some degree or another.

Things worth building take time, effort, dedication, and perseverance. Social relations are the epitome of this. There are no short cuts. Everyone notices when you're opportunistic. Your kids most of all.

The author expresses frustration, which I totally feel too. But I often remind myself that life was never promised to be easy, nor are many things worth doing very easy (and if they are, acquiring or experiencing those things is usually the fruit of some other effort).

I've tended to enjoy being ambitious about work because it comes so easily, too. While it feels great to be productive, I'm not sure it means what it feels like it means. My productivity doesn't mean anything to others, other than my employers. Who cares? My kids don't care. My wife doesn't care. And all the while it doesn't really push me to grow in any direction other than one I already feel very comfortable with. In my experience, this is fine and healthy to engage in moderately, but going bananas with it directly subtracts from the rest of your life (such as your relationship with your kids). And there's no way that in 30 years at the end of my life I'd be glad I was good at... What, building stuff on the computer? Do I want to be alone with that thought? Not at all.

There is more pressure on women to have kids than on men. That is not new. What is new is a more negative attitude to children and parenting in society in general. Do you feel there are conflicting pressures now?

If you didn't want someone to be like you, then you probably shouldn't have given them 50% of your DNA. If it's any consolation, a child's eventual personality has very little to do with their upbringing.

Now we have a choice. Which is GREAT, amazing, even. Absolutely necessary. I'll never argue that anyone's right to choose if they want to be a parent is a bad thing.

I wonder if social media is also contributing, with its polarizing nature. It's rare you see any opinions or even anecdotes about pregnancy being "fine" or "whatever". It's always a big deal, and it's always a big deal (horrible) or a big deal (wonderful). There's not a lot of in between. The negative end of the spectrum scares people, while the positive end of the spectrum is met with skepticism since it's too-often (for me at least) correlated with right-wing religious people trying to push women to be what're effectively baby factories, so the "it's the most wonderful experience ever!" just comes off as disingenuous and manipulative.

Combined with the fact that women's healthcare is rife with challenges, and women's pain is often dismissed (not looking to start any "gender wars" arguments; just stating things that can be backed up https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC10937548/), the prospect of becoming pregnant is a scary one, when you have the option to not do that.

"What if it's nine months of constant nausea, being bedbound, gaining weight I'll never be able to lose? My body will change, in many ways irreversibly. Will my partner still find me attractive? Will they support me during? Will they support me after? Will I feel supported? Will I feel resentment that they'll be able to enjoy things like alcohol while I'll have to stay completely sober for a very long time? Will I feel resentment if the majority of childcare falls on me, which is statistically actually quite likely? What about my career? Will I regret it? What if my child is born with a disability? What if I'm bad at being a mom? What if I hate it? What if I'm trapped in a life I don't want? What if there's no way out?"

Of course, the above thought process could also be one with thoughts like "what if it's wonderful?" but it's a lot easier to worry about the negative, and put weight on the negative, than it is to fantasize and put weight on the positive what-ifs.

This is just my perspective, though. Some people love being pregnant and find parenthood really wonderful (or so they tell me about those things), and I love that for them. Truly. I'm just not sure if I have it in me to ever find out what it would be like for me, and I know I'm not alone. Fun Auntie is a better role for me I think. But maybe I would feel differently if pregnancy were easier and a less destructive process on the female body, and there was more social support for parents.