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Ask HN: Are you ok?

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Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#631

Post by scruple »

hazeii wrote: post #65

How did we even end up here? As a greybeard, messing with computers has always been fun for me. Yet somehow, slowly the system has morphed it into a way to grind talented people into the ground with impossible deadlines and insane demands - to the point where we need websites like this.

> Yet somehow, slowly the system has morphed it into a way to grind talented people into the ground with impossible deadlines and insane demands - to the point where we need websites like this

What is old is new again...

> Still more significant, authority over the freewheeling brotherhood of programmers is slipping into the paws of administrators and managers -- who try to make the work of the programmers planned, measurable, uniform, and faceless. [0]

[0]: http://www.softpanorama.org/Articles/Ershov/aesthetics_and_t...

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#632

Post by protectid »

I am in software development but my troubles are at home. This is why I am using a throwaway. I am bad with relationships. There two sides to every story but this is my side. I have a quiet agreeable demeanor. Its a cultural thing and a personality thing. Unless something is going to affect my life I tend to agree. I seem to attract the opposite types of partner. My partners tend to do all the talking which is fine with me. I am fine with most things except for the things I believe in then I am very stubborn. When I put my foot down it seems things just escalate. It seems to take my partners by surprise when I disagree or put my foot down and they don't take it too well. Now I am not sure anymore whether it is how I communicate that causes all my problems. I just want peace so I acquiesce even though I know deep down I don't agree. Well you guessed it, the peace doesn't last too long because I truly do not believe in whatever it is I have agreed to. The arguments and accusations escalate. I am heterosexual male. Typical items include me being told I am not caring enough yet to me I feel like spend hours listening to my partner and asking how they feel. I carry bags, fix plumbing, make the bed, sweep, occasionally cook. I am just not the flower sort of guy but somehow nothing ever seems good enough. I think I take criticisms to heart. I don't mind the off argument or criticism but what kills me is that this seems to happen every other day. I don't get enough time to recover my peace and self confidence before another bout of criticisms gets thrown my way. Its been 5 years. I love her very much, we have made some wonderful memories but honestly I cannot see myself living like this for the rest of my life.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#633

Post by citruscomputing »

anon9001 wrote: post #360

I'm shocked at how many people seem to be doing OK or have minor complaints. For me, I've realized that if I have to do anything for 40+ hours a week on a schedule, after a couple of weeks, I'd prefer being dead. I could be a professional ice cream taste tester or race car driver, and after about 3 weeks of showing up at a fixed time and putting in 8 hours, I'd still be ready to off myself again. When I have week-lon…

The way you feel is normal. Please don't try to beat yourself into something you're not, or worse, feel guilty for not being able to. There's a line from a song I like that goes "This place is designed to kill us and make us think it's our fault."

Remember that the 40 hour work week was considered a victory for unions. Not as an "I should feel grateful that I have this", but as a sign that progress is possible, and class struggle is real.

Humans were not meant to live like this. "It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#634

Post by teppifk »

enraged_camel wrote: post #600
teppifk wrote: post #471

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> But you made the original claim, therefore the burden is on you to provide supporting evidence. Not really. This is not some magical incantation that compels me to do anything, nor does it make what I said wrong. And tip if you want to win at online forum logic argument wankery (not with me though), perhaps appeals to "stereotypes" and "personal experience" are not the best place to start.

As hamiltonc said, this sounds like an admission that you don't actually have any evidence. That's okay, but you should just say so, instead of personal attacks such as accusing me of "online forum logic argument wankery". This place is for engaging in discussion with others in good faith, which you have not demonstrated ("good faith" in this context means if you make a broad-sweeping claim, you need to provide evide…

Nah, I have evidence. I just have no need to post it here when anyone that truly cares about "good faith" could confirm it with minimal research. To me, the notion that more than 50% of software engineers have mood or personality disorders is the extraordinary one.

Also, I'm not sure how badgering me with calls for "supporting evidence" after countering with appeals to personal experience (which I also don't care, I'm not here to make a federal case) is not supposed to breed resentment.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#636

Post by bjornlouser »

protectid wrote: post #632

I am in software development but my troubles are at home. This is why I am using a throwaway. I am bad with relationships. There two sides to every story but this is my side. I have a quiet agreeable demeanor. Its a cultural thing and a personality thing. Unless something is going to affect my life I tend to agree. I seem to attract the opposite types of partner. My partners tend to do all the talking which is fine w…

I wonder if you should just give her a copy of what you wrote above and see what happens?

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#637

Post by VoiceOfWisdom »

protectid wrote: post #632

I am in software development but my troubles are at home. This is why I am using a throwaway. I am bad with relationships. There two sides to every story but this is my side. I have a quiet agreeable demeanor. Its a cultural thing and a personality thing. Unless something is going to affect my life I tend to agree. I seem to attract the opposite types of partner. My partners tend to do all the talking which is fine w…

Read the sidebar at /r/marriedredpill/. I think you would benefit from reading No More Mr Nice Guy, and When I Say No, I Feel Guilty. Don't be turned off by the red pill language.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#638

Post by ghostbrainalpha »

satokema wrote: post #162

Nth-ing no social life and the related whines. I hate the mild feeling of discomfort I get when I tell most people I'm a software engineer. I hate having eclectic or traditional "nerdy" interests and getting a similar reaction. I've been enjoying Classic, and I have a small online circle for the niche games/music/art I like. I hate that I like these things in spite of the detriment to my social benefit to liking them…

We are kindred in this.

I actually hate myself for knowing instantly what you meant by 'Classic', despite never having played.

And I hate myself for never having played, not because I wouldn't enjoy the fuck out of it, but because I let the fear of judgement from my social circle. Despite the fact that I don't really care for that social circle, I do care deeply what they think about me, and I let it determine my actions and what I allow myself to participate in.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#639

Post by vcxy »

anon9001 wrote: post #616
aristophenes wrote: post #590

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Please understand that I am saying this in a compassionate, not a judgmental way. I think the key developmental step is to be able to get over yourself. I think this is a fundamental part in becoming a mature person. Many of us are forced through this step against our will and maybe without realizing it. Either through our job, or significant other, or kids, or some other experience that just overwhelms you. Apparent…

Thank you. You shouldn't be downvoted for saying this. I feel like you're saying what everyone else around me is thinking, but nobody has ever actually said. I don't even know why you'd have to preface it by saying you mean to be compassionate. If your belief is the common one, why isn't that something people talk about? Is it that taboo? Shouldn't this death of self be celebrated if it's how were made to be? Also, I…

I honestly feel the same way as you, but inexplicably without the suicidal ideation. I'm not happy, per se, but I feel I've hit a spot different from either yours or who you're replying to. I agree with everything you've said, but my emotional self just goes on for whatever reason. I wish I had some actual advice or something, but all I can really say is, I'm an example that shows, at least in some people, "situation" and "how the situation changes my emotional state" are partially orthogonal.

Re: Ask HN: Are you ok?

#640

Post by [deleted] »

undulation wrote: post #536
teppifk wrote: post #235

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I hate the mild feeling of discomfort I get when I tell most people I'm a software engineer. Most software engineers have a healthy circle of friends and social life. > I hate having eclectic or traditional "nerdy" interests and getting a similar reaction. It's not any different when an electrician, lawyer or a doctor wants to talk shop. Most people you will interact with don't have the same interests as you. > I h…

>> I hate the mild feeling of discomfort I get when I tell most people I'm a software engineer. > Most software engineers have a healthy circle of friends and social life. Huh? OP's allusion to "mild-discomfort" when talking about their career field leads you to respond with the patronizing suggestion that "most software engineers have a healthy circle of friends"? That's an unhelpful and presumptuous piece of advice…

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