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ADHD Didn't Break Me–My Parents Did

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Re: ADHD Didn't Break Me–My Parents Did

#61

Post by julianeon »

hkpack wrote: post #2

The person blaming his parents because they tried to do their job of, well, parenting a child with ADHD. I’ve read that psychotherapy is much more difficult when there is no-one to blame. So it might help for him, until he will have his own kids with ADHD and fail in a completely opposite way. I would not recommend anyone to blame parents of neurodivergent kids, as it is a very difficult job to do right.

They f you up, your mum and dad. They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had, And add some extra just for you.

But they were f'd up in their turn, By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern, And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man. It deepens like a coastal shelf.

Get out as early as you can, And don’t have any kids yourself.

- Philip Larkin, This Be The Verse

Re: ADHD Didn't Break Me–My Parents Did

#62

Post by WarOnPrivacy »

I'm not a fan of single-reason causes but in this case I suspect the harms are explained in this one quote.

    Instead, they [parents] relied on discipline as the only solution:
All of my sons had behavioral issues (less than me tho). ADHD was a common factor.

What did I do? Maybe I punished them(singular). Maybe I took them out of school for a day we spent together.

One solution will be a wrong solution most of the time. Kids are continually a new person and continually need new approaches.

Since society has moved from muti-generation families to just ≤2 parents, it falls on those ≤2 parents to perform the roles of many different adults. We can't ever stop rethinking our methods.

Re: ADHD Didn't Break Me–My Parents Did

#63

Post by ghssds »

treis wrote: post #37
fzeroracer wrote: post #19

Earlier quoted context omitted.

From the article: > Instead, they relied on discipline as the only solution: withholding rights, denying privileges, banning books outside the curriculum because they "caused inattention," cutting off the internet, locking TV channels with passwords, and limiting socialization during study time. I'm perfectly inclined here to agree with the author in blaming the parents for putting the child in a borderline abusive e…

It really depends on how long study time is. That sounds like proper parenting so long as we're talking like an hour or two.

Are you sure banning books outside the curriculum is proper parenting because what I'm reading is thought control.

Re: ADHD Didn't Break Me–My Parents Did

#64

Post by jancsika »

> Worse, it left me with a debilitating emotional and intellectual dependency on their approval.

I'm not a therapist, but maybe one can back me up:

The "thing" driving this emotion is essentially hard-coded in the author at this point, from early childhood.

More central than rationally spelunking into the nature of what they currently consider "breakage," the author would be better off acknowledging and accepting (i.e., sitting with) the feeling when it arises as part of their own rich emotional life. This, ironically, will dissipate the negative impact of the feeling over time. (But this doesn't count as "fixing" one's emotional "breakage" any more than accepting that humans have belly buttons makes belly buttons disappear.)

Am I close here?

Edit: get rid of unnecessary and false dichotomy

Re: ADHD Didn't Break Me–My Parents Did

#65

Post by dublinben »

jappgar wrote: post #46
tfigueroa wrote: post #27

What you have here is essentially a tragedy. I totally sympathize with the author as someone who is (probably) neurodivergent but had accommodating parents. Being given space to better understand myself and my value was integral to my success and in being ok being different. But as a dad to a neurodivergent kid, I impose structure - sometimes to discomfort, never intentionally to pain - because structure is imposed u…

Yes I think this is the correct take. "It shouldn't be this way!" But it is. As others have said in comments, ADHD actually may be an optimization in certain environments, but do those environments actually exist in 2024? Even if they exist Are they preferable, overall, to the typical alternative? There may be jobs that are better suited to someone with ADHD, but do they pay a living wage? Are they precarious? Are th…

There's no shortage of careers with fast-paced work environments requiring creative problem solving that would be well-suited to a person with ADHD.

Anything creative or artistic, healthcare, tech, sales, skilled trades, restaurants, etc.

If the "reality" you are trying to prepare your child for is becoming an accountant/banker/lawyer/bureaucrat, then you will probably all be disappointed.

Re: ADHD Didn't Break Me–My Parents Did

#66

Post by mnky9800n »

jappgar wrote: post #46
tfigueroa wrote: post #27

What you have here is essentially a tragedy. I totally sympathize with the author as someone who is (probably) neurodivergent but had accommodating parents. Being given space to better understand myself and my value was integral to my success and in being ok being different. But as a dad to a neurodivergent kid, I impose structure - sometimes to discomfort, never intentionally to pain - because structure is imposed u…

Yes I think this is the correct take. "It shouldn't be this way!" But it is. As others have said in comments, ADHD actually may be an optimization in certain environments, but do those environments actually exist in 2024? Even if they exist Are they preferable, overall, to the typical alternative? There may be jobs that are better suited to someone with ADHD, but do they pay a living wage? Are they precarious? Are th…

Not to nitpick but it’s 2025

Re: ADHD Didn't Break Me–My Parents Did

#67

Post by fader »

floydnoel wrote: post #53
hkpack wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I agree, I mean that it is almost impossible not to fail at from the child’s perspective. I blame the structure of society for this. When kid wants to spend time with animals, friends and just be in nature - we can only offer more classes and screens.

there are other options, though. most choose not to take the hard path of choosing them

Imagine you're a 10 year old in a typical suburb in the US. There might be a pet dog or cat around if you're lucky, but nothing even at the level of a goat or chicken, let alone something wilder.

Your nearest friend is two-three miles away. Not walkable at your age for sure. Maybe bikeable, but your parents watch Fox News and know that sex slavers from the city are on constant patrol for juicy morsels like you, so you stay in the house. (Even if your parents have a basic grasp of statistics, your neighbors don't and will call CPS before you make it a block from your door, if a "block" even existed for you.)

Genuinely, what would you do in this situation? This is _normal_ for a depressingly huge number of children in the US. There's school and there's the video games in the basement.

Adults can drive. There are no other options for kids.

Re: ADHD Didn't Break Me–My Parents Did

#68

Post by oytis »

pugets wrote: post #58

My experience with my ADHD diagnosis and the 25 years of Adderall that followed have left me jaded at the state of psychiatry. The focus of my attention does indeed change at a rate which is faster than average. If something can distract me from a task, then it usually does, at least for a few moments. But why is this classified as a deficiency and a disorder? In other words, why is directed attention considered the…

Disability is in general relative to the expextations of a particular society. There are people who can't tell a minor and a major third apart - they won't make a career in music probably, but it's not considered a disability or disorder.

Re: ADHD Didn't Break Me–My Parents Did

#69

Post by je42 »

kerkeslager wrote: post #25
avereveard wrote: post #3

As a neuroatypical I feel this. But also society has to happen, even if I am at the outskirts of it. As a neuroatypical parent of a neuroatypical children, I still have to guide them understanding the structures and expectations of society, and I see often time that she resents me for it, as the autor resent their upbringing. Society just don't care, and blaming parent for trying to impart that lesson is harsh, and w…

> As a neuroatypical parent of a neuroatypical children, I still have to guide them understanding the structures and expectations of society, and I see often time that she resents me for it, as the autor resent their upbringing. I think where a lot of parents go wrong is representing things as "because I said so" when in fact, there is a very good reason for what the parent is doing and explaining that reason to the…

Explainations need to be 2-3 short sentences. Longer, and even teenagers with Ahdh may not follow or retain the explanation offered.

Re: ADHD Didn't Break Me–My Parents Did

#70

Post by mnky9800n »

hkpack wrote: post #2

The person blaming his parents because they tried to do their job of, well, parenting a child with ADHD. I’ve read that psychotherapy is much more difficult when there is no-one to blame. So it might help for him, until he will have his own kids with ADHD and fail in a completely opposite way. I would not recommend anyone to blame parents of neurodivergent kids, as it is a very difficult job to do right.

Blaming the parents doesn’t matter anyways. The author, and the rest of us, are adults and responsible for ourselves. If those problems we bear are a byproduct of our upbringing we still are the ones responsible for dealing with those problems. Sure it’s unfair but you can complain about it or learn to accept those experiences made you who you are.
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