Why making friends as an adult is harder • Hacker News Board

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#61

Post by f1shy » Tue, Dec 24, 2024, 5:35 PM UTC

BoingBoomTschak wrote: post #17

JoeAltmaier wrote: post #2

It is hard, for those that treat life as 'working and slacking'. Join a group - any group. Attend meetings. Contribute. Make friends. It's still that easy. But, you have to give up social media doomscrolling and movie binging. So there's that. A better title might be - why it's hard now to get off your butt and do anything other than work and slacking. Because it is hard. But if you do it - all the same friendship av…

> Join a group - any group. Attend meetings. Contribute. Make friends. This is basically the "1. Do thing, 2. ???, 3. Profit!" South Park meme. If you're normal and like to drink a beer while talking about travel, TV, base politics or sportsball, sure it works. But let's be honest, you normal people can smell when someone isn't part of their tribe, even with a good mask on.

That is my thinking too. Joining a group of 10 people, maybe with luck I make 1 friend out of it.

I’ve done it in the past, with mixed results. My father would roam through different groups, rotary, lions club, church, fathers of my friends… that resulted in a say 1% friendships, which would last from 1 to 3 years. And boy there are dangers there too! Nobody is talking about them! Was I the only one who got a manic hanging every day at my door? I had many experiences where people I didn’t want to be around would stick to me in a stalker way…

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#62

Post by throw646577 » Tue, Dec 24, 2024, 5:36 PM UTC

osamabinladen wrote: post #54

maybe this is a projection, but it always seems like the people struggling to make new friends also tend to never put themselves in the bare minimum situation to be able to make said friends. i personally rarely go outside outside of anything related to work. maybe for others it is the same?

It's not a projection. I think it's a core truth you've discovered.

You need to find a thing that is bigger than yourself to be a part of. And then show up and be willing to pitch in.

Other adults who know that adult friendship is important will be there.

The rest sorts itself out pretty fast, because almost everyone enjoys the company of someone who is willing to put themselves out there, even a shy, awkward person.

There are of course people who can't "show up" so easily -- people with limited mobility, people who are physically severely isolated. But the internet does offer some spaces where those people can have a lot of what face-to-face friendship offers. Again you just have to find a shared activity and show up.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#63

Post by el_benhameen » Tue, Dec 24, 2024, 5:39 PM UTC

jimt1234 wrote: post #32

I came to California, in part, because my family in the Midwest is a bunch of Jesus freaks - not the "love thy neighbor" kind, more like the "God hates fags" kind. So when a girlfriend (in California) invited me to her church for some volunteer work, I went prepared to hate on everyone. However, I was blown away, as they were the nicest people I'd ever met in my life. They all went out of their way to help one anothe…

I’ve been thinking about this lately. I started going to social events at a friend’s church in around 8th grade, and regularly went to church and church events through high school. My mom came with me through much of it (dad isn’t big on religion or social events, which I get). I don’t think either of us was particularly invested in the religious part, but we both made a number of long term friends, and I had a strong sense of community and belonging that I didn’t get at school.

The church took a hard right turn, and I gave up any semblance of belief when I went to college. But as an adult with kids of my own, I do wish that I had a “third place” to take my family for community and kinship. I don’t really want to raise the kids in a religion, but I’ve occasionally considered trying to find a “light” church or something so they get the same sense of community that I had.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#64

Post by f1shy » Tue, Dec 24, 2024, 5:39 PM UTC

osamabinladen wrote: post #54

maybe this is a projection, but it always seems like the people struggling to make new friends also tend to never put themselves in the bare minimum situation to be able to make said friends. i personally rarely go outside outside of anything related to work. maybe for others it is the same?

Is that not the problem?

“I have a hard time making friends” may be eventually interpreted as “I have a hard time putting me in situations to be able to make friends” just 2 sides of the same coin, isn’t it?

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#65

Post by meiraleal » Tue, Dec 24, 2024, 5:39 PM UTC

billy99k wrote: post #23

I made lots of friends (and eventually my wife and best man at my wedding) in my early 30s by first joining a meetup group and eventually becoming the organizer for it. It was disbanded a few years ago (before Covid), but I still hang out with the 13 or so people I met in the group. The group lasted almost 8 years. I had work friends in my 20s, but it was always difficult for me to make new friends after college. Joi…

> It would be nice if it was as easy for adults as it is for kids.

It is easy. Only need to make it your full-time job, like it is for kids.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#66

Post by f1shy » Tue, Dec 24, 2024, 5:42 PM UTC

technological wrote: post #48

I notice that as we grow older patience in growing a friendship is less, usually at at adult change we look for a perfect person or someone with way less difference in tastes.

I would say maybe not patience, but openness maybe? I have a hard time being around with people, that say, show some trait of antisemitism, or discrimination. I grew intolerant to that (and many other things) that 20 years ago I would just ignore.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#67

Post by throw646577 » Tue, Dec 24, 2024, 5:42 PM UTC

someothherguyy wrote: post #11

JoeAltmaier wrote: post #2

It is hard, for those that treat life as 'working and slacking'. Join a group - any group. Attend meetings. Contribute. Make friends. It's still that easy. But, you have to give up social media doomscrolling and movie binging. So there's that. A better title might be - why it's hard now to get off your butt and do anything other than work and slacking. Because it is hard. But if you do it - all the same friendship av…

Generalizing all humans experiencing difficulty socializing as adults as lazy is an oversimplification at best.

There are obviously some adults who have severe limitations on their ability to socialise and nobody is implying they are lazy.

But a wider social scene I have been part of has people with evident learning difficulties, people with obvious neurodivergence, people with physical disabilities.

If you show up and show interest in sharing a common goal with a large enough circle of people, then those people will find you a way to participate at your own speed.

If you have a way to show up for social activities, or assistance to show up, you could show up, you have a desire to show up, and you don't show up... some of that really is laziness at worst and avoidance at best.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#68

Post by Drew_ » Tue, Dec 24, 2024, 5:44 PM UTC

someothherguyy wrote: post #11

JoeAltmaier wrote: post #2

It is hard, for those that treat life as 'working and slacking'. Join a group - any group. Attend meetings. Contribute. Make friends. It's still that easy. But, you have to give up social media doomscrolling and movie binging. So there's that. A better title might be - why it's hard now to get off your butt and do anything other than work and slacking. Because it is hard. But if you do it - all the same friendship av…

Generalizing all humans experiencing difficulty socializing as adults as lazy is an oversimplification at best.

Their comment is on a specific kind of person ("those that treat life as 'working and slacking'"), not all people.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#69

Post by throw646577 » Tue, Dec 24, 2024, 5:48 PM UTC

BoingBoomTschak wrote: post #17

JoeAltmaier wrote: post #2

It is hard, for those that treat life as 'working and slacking'. Join a group - any group. Attend meetings. Contribute. Make friends. It's still that easy. But, you have to give up social media doomscrolling and movie binging. So there's that. A better title might be - why it's hard now to get off your butt and do anything other than work and slacking. Because it is hard. But if you do it - all the same friendship av…

> Join a group - any group. Attend meetings. Contribute. Make friends. This is basically the "1. Do thing, 2. ???, 3. Profit!" South Park meme. If you're normal and like to drink a beer while talking about travel, TV, base politics or sportsball, sure it works. But let's be honest, you normal people can smell when someone isn't part of their tribe, even with a good mask on.

> But let's be honest, you normal people can smell when someone isn't part of their tribe, even with a good mask on.

I am a long way from normal and it worked for me. People genuinely thought I was confident and outgoing simply for turning up and chatting, and eventually it began to be a lot more true. Even if I had to leave earlier than most to find some quiet.

Any shared activity that has enough participants has a role for people like us -- helping set up/tear down, organising, making coffees and snacks (the kitchen is an easy place to be), taking photographs, shuttling messages between organisers. Any shared activity has little bubbles of social grouping, fun and friendship around these functional parts. At a music thing: sound engineers, merch tents, collecting donations on the door -- lots of little bubbles of odd people finding their own speed.

As long as you take time to relax and enjoy it as well -- I find this part difficult -- then there is a life for you. For me, I was a photographer, I helped with the web and email side, I helped with AV, whatever. I became indispensable. And then I found my people around the edges of it. I struggle again now, post-lockdown-fragmentation and a bout of depression, so I stepped back from active involvement in the same way, but I know my people are out there and they still value me just for turning up.

Try not to assume there are "normal people" who want to lock you out. It's cynical, a little rude frankly. It is also a form of fundamental attribution error. Any large social functioning/gathering of adults is a gathering of people who have the same need for adult friendship and connection as you; many of them are lonely at other times. Why else would it even be happening?

Side note: as true as the "sportsball" clichés might be, stop thinking that. Never, ever, ever say it out loud.

If it's not for you (it isn't for me), so what? Never murder an enthusiasm. It's rude.

Re: Why making friends as an adult is harder

#70

Post by thrw42A8N » Tue, Dec 24, 2024, 5:48 PM UTC

PittleyDunkin wrote: post #18

prhn wrote: post #10

I've made more friends more easily in my 40s than any other time in my life, and I'm a relatively quiet and disagreeable person. Making connections with people you're around frequently is easy. The problem is that adult life doesn't throw you into those situations post-college outside of work. Now it's on you. Find a group. Sports are the easiest. You will absolutely make strong, long lasting friendships if you play…

> Find a group. This is obviously great advice, but most groups don't organically sprout around interests. Sports, especially, are something that I have a very difficult time imagining enjoying. And with the slow enshittification of meetup, where do you find these groups? Your local library?

Make your own meetup. Honest advice, everybody sort of sees you as the guy to become friends with if you're the leader.