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How to be a good listener

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Re: How to be a good listener

#61

Post by lmz »

geysersam wrote: post #22
andxor_ wrote: post #16

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Higher suicide rates in themselves might not be an evolutionary handicap. They probably get far more stuff done relative to the ones that are emotionally closer to females and live longer. Just spit balling here.

Why would they get more done? Suicide seems like the ultimate method to not get shit done

I guess that depends whether they do it on the way up or on the way down w.r.t. productivity. If people offed themselves before they became a burden on others that might be a positive for society.

Re: How to be a good listener

#62

Post by deprecative »

spidersenses wrote: post #29
kelseyfrog wrote: post #7

As someone who went out of their way and studied being a good listener, none of these are wrong, but I don't see it as being the best way of learning how to be a good listener. Reading about how to be a good listener can only get someone so far - watching someone demonstrate it and talking about it is the surest way to understand what it means. Specifically, Reflective listening[1], Clean language[2], and the approac…

>worded in their own language Would you (or someone else that's knowledgable) be so kind to share your approach to doing this? I find this to be hardest thing to do in the moment without feeling like a manipulative sociopath.

Well, yeah. It is manipulation. It's at best benevolent manipulation but that's what it is. That's what most human interaction is, though.

Re: How to be a good listener

#63

Post by germandiago »

creesch wrote: post #37
germandiago wrote: post #27

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In order to listen to fix first you must understand... I mean that the kind of "I hear you", "yes, blabla" seems nice but it is the same thing anyone would tell you. Someone that does not know you maybe would react the same. For me it is better (as in valuable) to get a: "because you fail to see you are doing it wrong? Don't you see that..." or something that tells you why you are being dumb and you should not be sad…

> you just lost your job or did not get the marks you wanted, there is good advice to make people feel better and try to suggest to analyze what went wrong Your assumption here is that people did something "wrong". This isn't always the case, you certainly can't decide that without actually having listened to them. Other than that, all I can say is that you seem to be jumping from one extreme end to the other and by…

My point actually is not even abt wrong. It was just an example. The point is that saying "yes, yes I listen" without further feedback can be more counterproductive than not. There is nothing write about being sad probably. But giving advice about how to rationalize your feelings can be helpful.

Re: How to be a good listener

#64

Post by CipherThrowaway »

mvkel wrote: post #21

I went through a yearlong coaching program and one of the modules was learning how to listen. Imagine a friend tells you about a situation where their dad is starting to show signs of dementia and the strain it's putting on them as a caretaker. Level 1 listening (you're focused on yourself): - "Oh my dad had dementia, too. It's awful." Level 2 listening (you're focused on them, but parroting): - "caring for a parent…

Personally, I find 2 and 3 to be creepy and robotic. 3 also feels intrusive.

The conscious analysis of tone and body language is obviously important for many people to get by socially, especially for neurodiverse people or people outside the norm of the situation. However, I think it is important to avoid remarking directly on body language.

You can still let these non-verbal observations guide a conversation, of course. Rather than remarking on someone's smile when they mention a subject, you might ask them to elaborate on the subject.

Unless they've asked to be psychoanalyzed, most people do not like the feeling of being analyzed.

Re: How to be a good listener

#65

Post by whoomp12341 »

bdjsiqoocwk wrote: post #34

> Replace all of the shocking, mean, hateful, incorrect, ignorant, offensive, cruel things coming out of this person’s mouth with “I’m hurt! I’m hurt! I’m hurt! I’m hurt. I’m hurrrrt.” You're replacing what the person is saying with what you think the person means. Surely if you could just go with what you think they mean, listening would be easy. In fact this sounds like the opposite of listening.

a knee jerk reaction when being attacked is to fight back. This is a replacement for that

Re: How to be a good listener

#66

Post by danparsonson »

novok wrote: post #33
kelseyfrog wrote: post #7

As someone who went out of their way and studied being a good listener, none of these are wrong, but I don't see it as being the best way of learning how to be a good listener. Reading about how to be a good listener can only get someone so far - watching someone demonstrate it and talking about it is the surest way to understand what it means. Specifically, Reflective listening[1], Clean language[2], and the approac…

On the flip side, if you are too good of a listener, people stop listening to you because they enjoy being listened to. You become the calm person that attracts all the anxious into their lives. Sometimes, you have to stop holding space for others for them to finally understand that, no it's not ok what they are doing anymore. To help others listen to you, you realize you have to learn to scream, because as the autho…

This is about setting boundaries - being a good listener only when you are comfortable doing so.

Re: How to be a good listener

#67

Post by coldtea »

bdjsiqoocwk wrote: post #34

> Replace all of the shocking, mean, hateful, incorrect, ignorant, offensive, cruel things coming out of this person’s mouth with “I’m hurt! I’m hurt! I’m hurt! I’m hurt. I’m hurrrrt.” You're replacing what the person is saying with what you think the person means. Surely if you could just go with what you think they mean, listening would be easy. In fact this sounds like the opposite of listening.

It's rather the opposite: if you could just go with what the person says to understand what they mean, then listening would be reallyyyyy easy.

Re: How to be a good listener

#68

Post by coldtea »

elevaet wrote: post #14

> 5. Don’t relate. I see this recommendation all the time, but I know I do it all the time, and personally I often _like_ it when other people do it to me. Sometimes it's nice to commiserate or share a connection on a similar experience, and maybe even learn from what the other person already went through. Does anyone else question this common piece of advice? Can't relating be useful if it's not being used to steer…

Sometimes. Usually people don't like "relaters".

Autistic people are usually great relaters, which gets them disliked as conversation partners when the other side tries to confess something or talk about some personal issue they have.

Re: How to be a good listener

#69

Post by lkdfjlkdfjlg »

coldtea wrote: post #67
bdjsiqoocwk wrote: post #34

> Replace all of the shocking, mean, hateful, incorrect, ignorant, offensive, cruel things coming out of this person’s mouth with “I’m hurt! I’m hurt! I’m hurt! I’m hurt. I’m hurrrrt.” You're replacing what the person is saying with what you think the person means. Surely if you could just go with what you think they mean, listening would be easy. In fact this sounds like the opposite of listening.

It's rather the opposite: if you could just go with what the person says to understand what they mean, then listening would be reallyyyyy easy.

> It's rather the opposite: if you could just go with what the person says to understand what they mean, then listening would be reallyyyyy easy.

Then I must be really good as listening, because I always believe I know what people are going to say.

Re: How to be a good listener

#70

Post by krisoft »

zarathustreal wrote: post #42
Gerard0 wrote: post #31

Does anyone know who is the author? Apart from "Molly Brodak". Is it this[1] person, perhaps? [1] https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Molly_Brodak

Tangentially related for anyone that needs to hear it: evaluate the content in context, the author is irrelevant

> evaluate the content in context, the author is irrelevant

But the author is part of that context. Especially with this kind of content where one explains how they think people should behave we can ask the question if the author embodied the guidelines they are talking about, and if so where did it took them. Did they had an enviable life full of things the reader would find valuable?

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