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I’ve been single all my life

lukasrosenstock.net

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Re: I’ve been single all my life

#61

Post by shaftoe »

mmcgaha wrote: post #49

I am recently divorced and I don't see myself ever in another relationship. I would consider a partner where we live in different homes and don't share any expenses or responsibilities but I doubt any woman would accept that as a permanent arrangement.

This resonates with me and I'm in a similar stage.

I'd like something between hooking up with a stranger and recreating my life (again) around a new person. It's hard to do that once you're older and I'm actively avoiding being financially intertwined with another person.

Besides having a lot to lose, I also question if I'm desired because of what I can financially bring to the table and as a labor source. Maybe I'm cynical, but this seems to be the calculus of a lot of single parents. I'm not looking to be the solution to someone else's life problems.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#62

Post by TobyTheDog123 »

all2 wrote: post #38
CoolioMqSo wrote: post #26

I felt like I had to say this FYI This guy isn't ugly, actually average looking 30yr old white guy, isn't short, is socially active. I honestly have no idea why this guy is still a virgin, im pretty sure he could find someone on a dating app if he got in shape.

Low drive to mate could be because his T is low. I wonder if he's had his hormones checked.

You're getting downvoted, but I'm not entirely sure why. It's not some toxic Andrew-Tate-esque take to consider low testosterone as a possibility for the lack of drive the author mentions.

Personally, I plan on doing it soon, there's no harm in it.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#63

Post by runnr_az »

CoolioMqSo wrote: post #26

I felt like I had to say this FYI This guy isn't ugly, actually average looking 30yr old white guy, isn't short, is socially active. I honestly have no idea why this guy is still a virgin, im pretty sure he could find someone on a dating app if he got in shape.

For us regular guys, nothing is gonna happen with relationships unless you make it happen.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#64

Post by hammyhavoc »

hexo wrote: post #50
hammyhavoc wrote: post #42

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Working on yourself will lead you where you want to go. Wishing you health, happiness and peace, and the same for anybody else reading this.

"Working on yourself will lead you where you want to go" sorry, but this is one of the worst lies ever.

If you get on a train, you are statistically more likely to reach your destination than just sitting on your ass. Yes, you may die in a fiery trainwreck, but getting on the train will lead you in the direction to where you intend to go.

If you do nothing, expect nothing.

If you attempt to work on your personal problems, be they psychological, physical, financial, whatever, you are more likely to make a change in your life than just accepting that this is your life.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#65

Post by sergiomattei »

I’m on the opposite side of the spectrum. I’m 23 and have experienced a solid number of partners and committed relationships.

After my last long-term relationship however, I realized how much time and energy these commitments take. I’ve noticed that after a while, I tend to lose myself in long term R’s, and I hate the feeling.

This ends my relationships. It starts out fine, with healthy and strong boundaries with regards to personal time and energy. Over time, the compromises eat away at me, and I find myself with very little time for my own pursuits and personal growth.

It’s odd too, because I’m quite aware of my boundaries and strong with them. Something about relationships or my partners slowly erodes them.

Near the end, I feel so suffocated that I’m usually becoming distant and breaking things off.

Singlehood is liberating, but I hate that I love my partners and I can’t figure out a way to stop repeating this harmful pattern. It’s either something wrong with me, or something wrong with how I pick my partners.

Has anyone faced this?

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#66

Post by readthenotes1 »

mmcgaha wrote: post #49

I am recently divorced and I don't see myself ever in another relationship. I would consider a partner where we live in different homes and don't share any expenses or responsibilities but I doubt any woman would accept that as a permanent arrangement.

women do, from my experience.

if raising kids isn't a factor, I bet many couples would be happier living on both sides of a duplex.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#67

Post by vacuumcl »

The author says, "I can’t even say whether I’m voluntarily or involuntarily single," and I think this is telling. When you're dealing with anxiety and overthinking, it's easy to lose touch with your feelings and become unsure of why you do things the way you do. I know that's how it's been for me to some extent.

You've got to push past it, though, and take the plunge to ask people out even if they might reject you or even if it might break some social norms. I just got out of a long-term relationship and am also approaching my thirties. When I met her, she was my housemate during university years. My other housemates and friends said it would be inappropriate to make a move, but I went for it anyway, and it gave me 9 years of happiness.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#68

Post by epups »

mmcgaha wrote: post #49

I am recently divorced and I don't see myself ever in another relationship. I would consider a partner where we live in different homes and don't share any expenses or responsibilities but I doubt any woman would accept that as a permanent arrangement.

That's pretty much what having a boyfriend or girlfriend sounds like. Many people do it without even living in the same city. I don't get what would be controversial about it, perhaps the expectation that it has to evolve to something different?

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#69

Post by aidenn0 »

TFA mentions, and I've encountered this in friends as well: fear of hurting others as a very common reason for not dating. My only advice is "You are guaranteed to hurt someone you get into a relationship with; them entering into a relationship with you means they think it is worth it."

That doesn't mean there aren't wrong ways to go about relationships (abusers keep people in unhealthy relationships with a combination of manipulation and picking their victims well), but if you're legit hesitant to date someone because you are worried about hurting them, then that's probably not you.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#70

Post by scohesc »

I've been single all my life as well, heading into my 30's and it's getting to the point where I feel like the crippling loneliness is absolutely killing me on the inside, likely going to lead me to an early death. Trying not to seem "needy" or come off as desperate is hard and is definitely a turn-off.

I avoided social situations all my life because I was (and still am) afraid of rejection. I minimized the amount of time I socialized with people because I felt inherently different, that I didn't belong, that somehow my presence was offensive/offending to people - likely due to the constant emotional manipulation and abuse from both my parents growing up.

After going to therapy for almost a decade and finally getting the courage to leave my abusive family, I feel like the "social" parts of my brain that should have developed years ago have now atrophied/cemented themselves into place, unable to experience the emotions, unable to mentally process social cues and understand the "hidden meaning" the things people say.

I don't feel like the label "incel" or "volcel" applies to me, I feel like I'm stuck in this persistent state of limbo where I know I could might be in a relationship if I tried, but why bother if it's likely just going to end up in regret/rejection/heartbreak/etc? The pros/cons don't seem to weigh out - but then again, how would I know if I've never been in a relationship? Doesn't help that I feel like I'm scared of women for some reason either.

I'm incredibly embarrassed to admit I've never been on a date of any kind or talked with women my age in any capacity other than small talk. It kills me inside every day I look at myself and scream internally at why and how I feel so broken socially and mentally. Doesn't help now that the hairline's receding.

I know this doesn't really relate to the authors' article at all, just looking to see if anybody else feels this way or have felt this way. I think people in the tech industry can relate to it more considering I'm sure a lot of people here have been glued to their computers like I have for long periods of their lives.

Online dating doesn't make things easier either...

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