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My loss

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61–70 of 111 posts

Re: My loss

#61

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Some things that might be helpful to you, in no particular order: -Look at David Allen's book "Getting Things Done" for getting organized and putting a loose general system that lets you feel un-overwhelmed. Very important if you've got lots of random to-do's that are overwhelming -Look at Josh Waitzkin's book "The Art of Learning" - start to understand deterministic and incremental learning. Incremental learning see…

Thank you. The funny thing is that in bits and pieces I had figured out most of the things you wrote, but I never connected them in this way. I also never had it in me to try them through, but now I am at least learning from my mistakes and we'll see how that turns out. I've realized that there aren't too many secrets to a beautiful life; it's just choosing the path that's too damn hard. Again and again until it beco…

> I've realized that there aren't too many secrets to a beautiful life; it's just choosing the path that's too damn hard.

Okay, if you look at "the path", it's going to be tough. 90% of the time you want to be looking at one of two things. Either:

1. What you want as your end outcome, or,

2. What the next step is

That's it. Thinking "Oh man I'm going to have to go exercise for six months to get my weight and energy where I want..." - too much, that's too much for anyone. So think instead: What's my end goal? I want to be fit, long lived, with lots of energy. Okay. What's the next step? Go out for a 15 minute walk while listening to something pleasant. Then celebrate that.

Don't focus on "the path" - the stuff that needs to be done. It's too much. Focus on what you want, and then ask what's the next action? It's taking a 15 minute walk. You can take a 15 minute walk. No problem.

> You know what scares me the most? That I might not be smart enough/hard-working enough to actually make it work.

Yeah, that's classical deterministic thinking right there. The ability to "actually make it work" doesn't come from being "smart enough/hard-working enough" - making it work isn't an inborn inability, it comes from regular, incremental training. Definitely check out Waitzkin's Art of Learning. It'll do wonders for you. It's a light, easy, pleasant read too.

> I actually know that in all probability I don't have a future. Unlike, almost all of my peers I really can't have a linear life, and that is shit scary.

Do your best to catch yourself saying stuff like that, and then cut down on how much you say it. There's nothing magical about having a functional life. You figure out what you want in the long term (this takes some thinking on, and it's time well spent - it's actually pretty enjoyable to think about). Then you ask, "What's the next action?" 15 minute walk, go to the grocery store and buy oatmeal/tuna/rice/fruit, clean all your clothes and throw out the junk in your room, just reduce your email inbox a little bit from 700 down to 600 by deleting a few useless things (recently I got my inbox from 700 emails down to 3 emails over the course of two weeks, just one step at a time on it...). It's always, "What's the end goal? Okay. What's the next small step?"

There's no probability here, you're not rolling dice. If you think about what you want and take gradual steps to get there, you're almost certain to get there. If you introduce good foods to your diet while gradually quitting bad foods, your energy levels will improve. That's almost a certainty. That's how life works. You can do it. Celebrate the small wins, a successful life is a series of stringing small wins together, which eventually compound into bigger wins. In the end, it's not rocket surgery, and should be possible to anyone. You can do it.

Re: My loss

#62
post #50
post #41

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why do people get married? It's a poorly defined contract with ill-defined consequences into which they enter apparently because it's what everyone else does to signal their feelings. Similar to giving a diamond engagement ring or using off-the-shelf business forms.

I actually wonder whether marriage should have a time limit specified. Its a better fit to reality : people living longer, large proportion divorcing after 5 years, sequential marriages to different people. "I love you darling, will you spend the next 12 years with me to raise a child together?". This is not purely cynical... I think its so cool when two people who have been married for 15 years decide to celebrate w…

> I actually wonder whether marriage should have a time limit specified.

Some places do, down to a matter of hours. It's a slick way around prostitution laws and moral qualms.

Re: My loss

#63
post #55
post #41

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why do people get married? It's a poorly defined contract with ill-defined consequences into which they enter apparently because it's what everyone else does to signal their feelings. Similar to giving a diamond engagement ring or using off-the-shelf business forms.

Children.

Taxes

Re: My loss

#64

I am at rock bottom right now, and as I struggle to get up. I've searched for resources to help me figure out the best way out. I have made plans. Created structures for myself. Kicked myself. A lot. However, I've fallen flat on my face again and again due to a simple reason. I don't have the resources to execute any kind of measures to get myself out of this mess. I can't concentrate without getting suicidal imagery…

It sounds as if you are till quite young. Trust in time, and don't get hung up on things too much, would be my advice.

Don't kill yourself, especially not over college admission!

Sorry for the platitudes, but couldn't leave that standing... Feel free to email me.

Re: My loss

#65

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Because your relationship has reached a point where you're both sacrificing a LOT just to be together. You're planning the rest of your life with the idea that she (or he) will be a part of it. Why? Because you're in love and you wouldn't want a future without the other person. So why get married? Because you don't want the other person to be capable of throwing all of your sacrifices away on a whim just because you…

So why get married? Because you don't want the other person to be capable of throwing all of your sacrifices away on a whim just because you hit a rough patch. Not sure this is really HN fodder but since we're on the subject. That you give two almost completely diametrically opposed reasons for marriage says a lot about the schizophrenia of the institution. Marriage is simultaneously an expression of love and solidar…

It's a contract that allows you to express love and solidarity, knowing that it's unlikely[1] it'll all be thrown away some point later down the line.

[1] Becoming much more likely these days!

Re: My loss

#66
Shit happens, and good stuff, too; you just have to deal with whatever comes. One disagreement though - never, ever say, or even think, "Things can't get worse". There is always something worse that can happen.

Re: My loss

#67
post #50
post #41

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why do people get married? It's a poorly defined contract with ill-defined consequences into which they enter apparently because it's what everyone else does to signal their feelings. Similar to giving a diamond engagement ring or using off-the-shelf business forms.

I actually wonder whether marriage should have a time limit specified. Its a better fit to reality : people living longer, large proportion divorcing after 5 years, sequential marriages to different people. "I love you darling, will you spend the next 12 years with me to raise a child together?". This is not purely cynical... I think its so cool when two people who have been married for 15 years decide to celebrate w…

How would that work when they find out that they want to spend the next 10 years together?

I ask because my grandparents have been together for 50 years, my parents for 20, and I am pretty certain that both marriages will last to the death.

Re: My loss

#68
post #12

why does google chrome barf on his site? (windows vista)

Sorry - please email me specifics? derek@sivers.org Thanks!

Must be pretty specific - I run chrome on windows and it seemed fine (though I have no idea what it is supposed to look like, but there isn't anything wrong with it that I could see).

Re: My loss

#69
post #35
post #13

Earlier quoted context omitted.

My understanding is that half of everything you earned and bought while married is on the table. Stuff you owned or earned before the marriage is not on the table unless you want it to be. Non-marital property vs. marital property. I'm not a lawyer.

A co-worker of mine got divorced not long ago. I believe it went to court, but not sure (they both had lawyers). No kids were involved. His wife received half his assets, 100% of their co-owned business, all of his retirement money, and substantial alimony for 5 years. He got a devalued house with 2 mortgages and a 15 year old car. The wife is also a skilled, in-demand professional who could easily make $60k/year+. H…

And be fully aware that pre-nups can and often are overturned in divorce courts. Also be aware that different countries have very different rules regarding pre-nups and divorce. So even if your pre-nup is watertight when you get married, if you subsequently move and end up getting divorced in a different country then don't expect your old pre-nup to be worth anything.

Re: My loss

#70
post #50

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I actually wonder whether marriage should have a time limit specified. Its a better fit to reality : people living longer, large proportion divorcing after 5 years, sequential marriages to different people. "I love you darling, will you spend the next 12 years with me to raise a child together?". This is not purely cynical... I think its so cool when two people who have been married for 15 years decide to celebrate w…

> I actually wonder whether marriage should have a time limit specified. Some places do, down to a matter of hours. It's a slick way around prostitution laws and moral qualms.

A lot of people take that kind of 'marriage' as one big stinking ball of hypocrisy and generally don't like it.
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