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How to talk to anyone and why you should

theguardian.com

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Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#571

Post by ducktastic »

saaaaaam wrote: post #339
faize wrote: post #293

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I never make any small talk because I feel like I don't have anything to say or ask. How do you know what to say? How do you make the conversation flow and not end awkwardly?

A few things I do: I'll point something out, and ask a question. So if I'm in a shop I'll saying something like "I've never seen that before - is it popular?" If I'm getting a coffee if the barista says "How are you?" Rather than just saying something non-committal I'll say "I'm good thanks, it looks like you're having a busy day/quiet day - has it been like this all day?" or I'll ask a question about the beans (if i…

When I encounter people with dogs I always do a smooch sound to the dog and keep going, automatic at this point. Usually where I am they are driving by or in shopping centers. If outdoors I will say hi to owners also but usually just the dogs are greeted.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#572

Post by vedaba »

matwood wrote: post #327
jmye wrote: post #210

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Man, how many "hey, how are you"s do you think are ending in a black eye ? What ridiculous hyperbole.

Yeah, some of the responses in this thread I hope are just jokes. Asking someone how their day is going is bare minimum social behavior that should carry zero risk of anything.

I am guessing you have not struggled with social anxiety

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#573

Post by nindalf »

beaker52 wrote: post #550
nindalf wrote: post #410

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Yeah, you see, I don’t think you’ve quite understood the art of talking to anyone Have you? You're dripping with condescension for everyone who's replied to you so far, in addition to the guy in your anecdote. You've asked one person to "fuck off" when they were polite. Do you think closewith or pingou have enjoyed their interaction with you? Or is your art of talking to people just meant to amuse you and ignore th…

> You've asked one person to "fuck off" when they were polite. Someone doesn't understand an example when they see one. > You're dripping with condescension for everyone who's replied to you so far, Yes > Or is your art of talking to people just meant to amuse you and ignore the feelings of others? Every one of you has failed to see what's wrong with expecting people to act the way _you_ want when in public, and been…

You've written a lot of words to avoid saying a simple thing - you wanted to mess with someone to entertain yourself and it backfired. That's the whole story. The philosophy is window dressing.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#575

Post by b40d-48b2-979e »

notepad0x90 wrote: post #563
malicka wrote: post #516

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> I wish it was just media. And it's certainly not random, I wouldn't expect violence in a decent neighborhood. But I would on the subway in NYC for example (depends on the line too I guess). And by violence I don't mean necessarily assault, but anything that involves the cops, getting arrested, etc.. or certain forms of mistreatment (even though it's a stretch to call them violence). The fear of crime is more social…

It's not paranoia, look at this thread alone and the responses from @xigoi , even on HN which is heavily moderated and leans to more liberal views. Terrible people are plenty. I'd think after the past few elections in the US that was obvious. Violence isn't the only reason to be cautions with strangers, mistreatment is another reason, having a negative interaction in general is unpleasant. The solution is not to pret…

    and leans to more liberal views
Uhhh, no? This place is Libertarian-Right at best.

    somehow reducing the risk of harm is wrong
The problem is your risk is imagined and does more harm than the risk.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#576

Post by mdnahas »

jadtz wrote: post #308
abcde666777 wrote: post #141

I went through a phase where I forced myself to socialise a lot to overcome social awkwardness and anxiety. Was well worth it, both in terms of leveling up my social skills but also in terms of eventually becoming very comfortable with myself. The main ingredient, at least for me, was being determined enough to push through the discomfort. A lot of the early interactions were awkward, sometimes overtly uncomfortable,…

I am still at the awkward early interaction stage. How do you know what to say?, usually I can start the conversation but I don’t know where to take it after. How are you able to shift to the next stage when you have both agreed that the weather today is nice. How do you get over the feeling that you are wasting their time? Finally, how do you end the conversation when you're still going in the same direction or wait…

> How do you know what to say?, usually I can start the conversation but I don’t know where to take it after. Some ideas: Ask what they’re passionate about. Talk about what you’re passionate about. Say you’re trying to improve yourself and ask if there is anything they’ve learned lately about life that you should know. Ask for their advice/opinion on a recent problem you’ve faced or something that surprised you recently.

>How do you get over the feeling that you are wasting their time? First, hold up a mirror: do you feel your time is wasted when someone talks to you? Second, everyone benefits from bonds and talking enables trust. Even if the relationship is temporary, it brings comfort. Think of two people at an airport going out on different planes. Even a short conversation with someone makes them trust enough to let the other watch their heavy luggage while they go to the bathroom.

>Finally, how do you end the conversation when you're still going in the same direction or waiting at the same place? Yeah, this is always a little awkward. You can just say something like “It’s been nice talking to you. I’m going to go back to reading my book.” Sometimes I’ll make a polite fib like saying I’ve got to think about an important presentation or have some pressing emails that I need to read.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#577

Post by mdnahas »

mh2266 wrote: post #131
hluska wrote: post #53

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In my experience, only weirdos never speak to strangers. Social skills are easy, conversations are easy and strangers are just people you don’t know yet. I still can’t understand the point of this. Do you get a charge telling social anxious people they’ll be weird if they do their homework? That’s precisely what you did. Why?

I live in NYC. Maybe this is different in the suburbs. Nearly 100% of the people that approach me are trying to get something from me. Scam me, get me to sign something I don't want to sign, get me to donate my money to save the dogs/children/etc. If someone on the street tries to talk to me, I try to avoid even looking at them or acknowledging them. They'll use that as an opening. Just keep walking.

I lived in NYC for a decade. This is very true on the street, but less true waiting in a subway station, and even less true in a neighborhood bar. The more public, there is a “market for lemons” effect in conversation. The more it resembles a private club or a group suffering a common injustice, the more reliably good the conversation is. A crowd on an MTA platform where a train hasn’t shown up in 50 minutes can get pretty chatty.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#578

Post by sam_goody »

malfist wrote: post #436
miroljub wrote: post #270

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This advice is not for everyone. Obviously this works only if you are an extrovert. Introverts would find this kind of interaction a wasteful use of limited social energy available to them.

Not sure why you're getting downvoted but yes, this is true. I don't want or need to talk to everyone, and I generally don't appreciate people I don't know or won't know in five minutes to engage me in idle chatter. Just leave me be. I'm not a grouch, I'm not a grump, I'll be friendly but why do you have to harass me? I'm perfectly comfortable in my own skin, doing my own thing, by myself. I don't have social anxiety…

As someone who works extensively with youth, but is somewhat of a extrovert..

There are many reasons why people are introverts. Some of them are "broken" and could use a fix, some are healthy and should not be touched.

If the source is a lack of confidence, it should be dealt with. Sometimes the fix involves pushing oneself to talk beyond their comfort level, sometimes not.

If the source is a form of ASD or Autism spectrum, then it depends very much on what the "introvertness" is costing them. If the person is either suffering or is living out of touch with reality, that's broken. Sometimes talking is absolutely required to create a fix. (Over here, even more-so, getting guidance is a must. Which is a shame since the more a person on the spectrum needs guidance the less he is likely to accept it)

If the source is an understanding of one's relative position (eg. at a meeting of seniors) then that's fine, but too much of that can be unhealthy.

If it's from depression, than please don't introvert. Get professional help.

If you are so into your phone that you've forgotten the joy of interaction with humans, that's broken. Unfortunately, there are a lot of people in this category, and social media and AI are making things worse. (Nothing new though - 30 years ago I helped a kid who was watching 18+ hours of video, on a CRT! He was mighty introverted, and wanted nothing to do with us humans for weeks after starting treatment.)

If you are just a confident guy/gal that just happens to enjoy your own space, than all the power to you! From what I have heard there are a LOT of people that fall into this category, and I have even meet two or three of you!

But let me stress, even if things are broken, the advice in this article can often make things worse. And if it's not a problem for you, enjoy!

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#579

Post by GrzegorzWidla »

pousada wrote: post #472
bsenftner wrote: post #350

Earlier quoted context omitted.

A lot of seemingly casual interactions in the US turn out to be someone trying to sell something. When that happens a 3rd time, you start to ignore random chatter from someone that seems too friendly. The salesperson tactics abuse common social conversation rules, and one ends up feeling like they are being forced to be mean and rude to an idiot. So, to avoid that, we push away chatty strangers in the United States.

It’s funny, my experience is the exact opposite. Having grown up in Germany i was surprised how many people in the US would strike up a conversation randomly in the street with me - I thought it’s a normal thing and never really experienced it in Germany - there I would always be suspicious that people try to scam me or get money or something. I do agree with GP that in Latin America it’s super common and normal to c…

As a Pole, Germany was the first place I started enjoying random convos on the street. It definitely depends where as Germans aren’t homogeneous. Hamburg and Schleswig-Holstein are brilliant in that regard. Heck, in Hamburg a dude said my t-shirt is sick and I still remember that vividly. It’s been one of my first solo trips out of my country and it boosted my morale for the rest of that holiday.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#580

Post by GrzegorzWidla »

brabel wrote: post #478
pousada wrote: post #472

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It’s funny, my experience is the exact opposite. Having grown up in Germany i was surprised how many people in the US would strike up a conversation randomly in the street with me - I thought it’s a normal thing and never really experienced it in Germany - there I would always be suspicious that people try to scam me or get money or something. I do agree with GP that in Latin America it’s super common and normal to c…

I live in a Nordic country. The rule here is to avoid social contact at any cost. People waiting for a bus must stand at least 2 meters away from each other. Otherwise you might be close enough for someone less equipped in the local etiquette to mistake you for someone that may engage in small talk. When sitting , never sit directly next to someone else. Stand if that’s not possible and try to observe the 2 meter rul…

Sounds more like Finland than Denmark. Danish people seem to quite fond of conversations with strangers. I cycled through entirety of Denmark one summer and we’ve had so many beautiful engagements with locals, in villages, towns and cities alike.
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