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How to talk to anyone and why you should

theguardian.com

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Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#561

Post by owlcompliance »

bsenftner wrote: post #555
owlcompliance wrote: post #554

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's kind of crazy when someone has an outlier experience and then tries to frame an entire country as being that way. I've experienced a lot of cultures, countries, and environments. The United States is KNOWN for being a friendly country of people who will talk to you and smile at you for "no reason" other than because Americans are friendly. Go to many countries in Europe or even Russia, you'll experience the exac…

Frame however you need. Born and raised in the USA, lived all over the country, but never the true South. Of course, everywhere is different, and everywhere has friendly and unfriendly people. I've primarily lived in cities with a population greater than 100K, usually several million. I think my statement above stands.

Your statement doesn't though. Opinions don't become rooted in fact when we declare them so. No hard feelings, but your claim is akin to someone claiming that they stay away from Germans to avoid their extroverted nature.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#562

Post by notepad0x90 »

nonethewiser wrote: post #488
notepad0x90 wrote: post #365

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> People are lovely. Go out and try it. I hope this is not an inappropriate question, but are you by any chance fit and/or attractive? I've heard that and being well dressed affects your experience with people a lot. For me it's a mix, the majority at least try to be decent and pleasant, no argument there. But as with many other things, the minority who aren't tend to have a much bigger impact. Honestly, I'd take jus…

Are you ugly?

It's unfortunate there are limits on what we can say on HN, I had a nice yomama joke lined up.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#563

Post by notepad0x90 »

malicka wrote: post #516
notepad0x90 wrote: post #422

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I wish it was just media. And it's certainly not random, I wouldn't expect violence in a decent neighborhood. But I would on the subway in NYC for example (depends on the line too I guess). And by violence I don't mean necessarily assault, but anything that involves the cops, getting arrested, etc.. or certain forms of mistreatment (even though it's a stretch to call them violence). I mentioned attractiveness because…

> I wish it was just media. And it's certainly not random, I wouldn't expect violence in a decent neighborhood. But I would on the subway in NYC for example (depends on the line too I guess). And by violence I don't mean necessarily assault, but anything that involves the cops, getting arrested, etc.. or certain forms of mistreatment (even though it's a stretch to call them violence). The fear of crime is more social…

It's not paranoia, look at this thread alone and the responses from @xigoi , even on HN which is heavily moderated and leans to more liberal views. Terrible people are plenty. I'd think after the past few elections in the US that was obvious. Violence isn't the only reason to be cautions with strangers, mistreatment is another reason, having a negative interaction in general is unpleasant.

The solution is not to pretend people's experiences are invalid, or that somehow reducing the risk of harm is wrong, but to find ways to adapt, and be prepared to handle or dismiss negative interactions, as well as value the benefits of positive ones.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#564

Post by a123b456c »

rubicon33 wrote: post #557
saaaaaam wrote: post #24

I talk to everyone. My friends and family joke that it’s impossible for me to go anywhere without getting into conversation with someone. I can’t imagine not doing it. Earlier this year I walked down the main shopping street it the part of the large city where I live, with a colleague from out of town. A few shopkeepers waved through their windows as I went past, the greengrocer came out of his shop to have a quick c…

Genuinely curious as someone who wants to improve… what the hell do you talk about? I’m trying to picture the random people I encounter while walking my dog, for example. Neighbors who I don’t know. That’d be a great place to start up a convo as I walk by but I draw a complete blank. 0 skill in this.

There are two basic topics:

1. Talk about them. Start by paying attention to them. Then when you notice something that was clearly an intentional choice on their part, say something nice about it. Listen carefully to what they say, and follow up in response without filtering yourself.

2. Talk about us. Notice some aspect of experience that you are both sharing. The weather is the most popular and safest topic.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#565

Post by IAmBroom »

jjav wrote: post #307
SequoiaHope wrote: post #11

After a bad breakup in 2015, I followed some advice from the socialskills subreddit to “talk to everyone” so that you get better at talking to women you might want to date. The advice was not to only talk to attractive people but everyone. The old man reading a Russian newspaper, the kid on bike doing tricks, people in the elevator. I do that now and it brings me a lot of joy. Recently while leaving a botanical garde…

> I highly recommend talking to strangers! People are lovely. Go out and try it. Which country are you in? I'm from a latin country and the norm is that you end up chatting about life the universe and everything with any random people you share a space with for more than one minute. But in the USA that doesn't really fly. Talking is transactional, either a business deal is going on or shut up. I've been in the USA fo…

I'm guessing you're either in a big US (northern) city, or along the eastern seaboard.

In the Midwest, if someone starts up a conversation and you don't engage, YOU are the weirdo.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#566

Post by abcde666777 »

jadtz wrote: post #308
abcde666777 wrote: post #141

I went through a phase where I forced myself to socialise a lot to overcome social awkwardness and anxiety. Was well worth it, both in terms of leveling up my social skills but also in terms of eventually becoming very comfortable with myself. The main ingredient, at least for me, was being determined enough to push through the discomfort. A lot of the early interactions were awkward, sometimes overtly uncomfortable,…

I am still at the awkward early interaction stage. How do you know what to say?, usually I can start the conversation but I don’t know where to take it after. How are you able to shift to the next stage when you have both agreed that the weather today is nice. How do you get over the feeling that you are wasting their time? Finally, how do you end the conversation when you're still going in the same direction or wait…

I came to think of it like skilling up at a game. For instance the one I'm most familiar with, Counterstrike. When you first play Counterstrike you're clueless - you don't know where to aim, you don't know how to control the guns, it's a mess. How do you fix that? Practice. Lots of practice.

So if you don't know what to say, the basic answer is to keep practicing. Your subconscious will eventually figure it out. (Edit: by practice I mean live practice with real people in the world - not on your own in your own head)

As for myself, here's the place I came to: I be myself and I say what I want to say, and for social calibration I rely on my subconscious.

I also let go of trying to control the outcome. The questions you're asking rest atop of wanting the social encounter to go a certain way - you want it to be "successful". Let go of that expectation and just let it organically be whatever it is - that is, take your hands off the driving wheel a bit.

The final bit is a confidence thing - feeling good about yourself, feeling that you have value (your bit about wasting other people's time hints that you somehow feel low on yourself). For that it's the Mike Tyson quote - "success begets confidence and confidence begets success". For me there was a feedback loop where the practice started to feed into social success - people enjoying my company, successful dates with women, and so on.

That final part's a very important ingredient as your subconscious needs the markers of success to latch onto as positive feedback signals on "what works". So basically you have to keep pushing and practicing until you reach the point where you get dividends. As for how long it takes to get there, it varies by individual - some are quick learners, some are slow, some have less handicaps, some have more.

But in principle I believe that most people can learn to be charming and good company.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#567

Post by inadequatespace »

caditinpiscinam wrote: post #137

It makes me sad that my reaction to this piece is so cynical, but I really think that 90% of the "how" in this article is "be an older British lady". If you're missing that vital piece you'll quickly meet many people who "don't have any money", or just remembered they meant to be walking on the other side of the street, or worse. Talking to strangers when people see you as a threat feels really shitty (for everyone i…

Yes, if you are a black male, it’s hard mode.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#568

Post by slfnflctd »

cal_dent wrote: post #520
slfnflctd wrote: post #382

Earlier quoted context omitted.

At church or during social gatherings in a friend's home, there is a certain set of expectations of behavior which are much more well defined and widely understood than the behavior you can expect from random people traveling though the NYC streets or subway. There are settings where I'm much more likely to engage in conversation with a random stranger than others, because I know it's far less likely that they will r…

Again maybe its a geographical thing since I don't live in NYC, but I have visited several times, so i have narrower perception of this. My view and experience is that its far more likely that engaging with a random stranger that they will either politely ignore you, go on their way than react unpredictably and/or try to scam/hurt you. Similarly, its more likely that they will respond to you (even if its a throwaway…

That's a good point, NYC has its own culture and is less unsafe than some other big cities.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#569

Post by beaker52 »

closewith wrote: post #490
awesomeMilou wrote: post #412

Earlier quoted context omitted.

No verbal comment, be it a comment or an actual insult or otherwise, justifies violence and crossing the body threshold. In what world do you live?

In the real world, many comments can and will provoke violence. In many cases, it's justifiable. > In what world do you live? In what bubble do you live? Go out into the world and behave like the GP. Your apparent mental model of society will collapse quickly.

You’ve suggested they live in a bubble, yet your comments suggest that you expect no-one to “invade” your blissful little privacy bubble, and believe it’s okay to strike out and be physically violent to others if they do.

> Go out into the world and behave like the GP. Your apparent mental model of society will collapse quickly.

The problem you’ve got is that I will win. If you permit escalating mouth words to physical violence, I’ll have stabbed you in the face for your mouth words before you’ve gotten very far. Subduing your propensity for physical escalation is in your favour.

Re: How to talk to anyone and why you should

#570

Post by closewith »

beaker52 wrote: post #569
closewith wrote: post #490

Earlier quoted context omitted.

In the real world, many comments can and will provoke violence. In many cases, it's justifiable. > In what world do you live? In what bubble do you live? Go out into the world and behave like the GP. Your apparent mental model of society will collapse quickly.

You’ve suggested they live in a bubble, yet your comments suggest that you expect no-one to “invade” your blissful little privacy bubble, and believe it’s okay to strike out and be physically violent to others if they do. > Go out into the world and behave like the GP. Your apparent mental model of society will collapse quickly. The problem you’ve got is that I will win. If you permit escalating mouth words to physic…

> If you permit escalating mouth words to physical violence, I’ll have stabbed you in the face for your mouth words before you’ve gotten very far.

Of course you would. What an infantile response divorced from reality.

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