A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem • Hacker News Board

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#561

Post by AussieWog93 » Wed, Apr 13, 2022, 10:15 PM UTC

op00to wrote: post #547

bcrosby95 wrote: post #496

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's impossible to answer in a vacuum. We live where we live because we're 10 minutes from my wife's two sisters, my wife's parents, and 3 cousins our kids love to play with. Generally, I think the only way we're moving is if they move first. Because my wife's whole family is here. And she spends multiple days per week with them. As do our kids. The idea that she should be supportive of me tearing her away from this…

The idea that a well compensated, educated adult can't survive without an extensive support structure for a few years is questionable. Hell, I haven't had a support system at all - my family was actively abusive and antagonsitic to me, and yet I was able to successfully build a career, family, and so on. It's just as likely codependancy as it would be support.

>The idea that a well compensated, educated adult can't survive without an extensive support structure for a few years is questionable.

Financially, sure. In terms of mental health and feelings of isolation (especially for the wife, who won't have a high-flying career to distract her/build new contacts in), it's absolutely a problem.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#562

Post by pcthrowaway » Wed, Apr 13, 2022, 10:16 PM UTC

csa wrote: post #349

pcthrowaway wrote: post #203

My relationship just ended for mostly similar reasons (it wasn't just glasses in the sink, it was a few other things I did that she considered disrespectful that seemed minor to me) I was the only one working and paying for the apartment, her hobbies, and school, but things like the above would escalate into long arguments that I would ask to defer. The problem was, I would sometimes forget details that were importan…

If I read this right: - lots of arguments about things you considered small - issues focused on “disrespect”, which is a perception thing that she had 100% control over - needed to resolve issues immediately - “resolution”, if it happened, took up to six hours with no option to end on your side It sounds like she has some major issues that probably warrant professional help. To be fair, you may have issues as well (e…

She's getting professional help. I have issues also, which I've been working on. But the things I would think were minor were maybe not "leaving a water glass next to the sink" minor, but maybe "forgetting to wash the dishes sometimes" minor (when the sink wasn't full... also the dishes were my chore)

It's not about whether those things are only an issue for her though, the fact that they are an issue for her still causes conflict, and was important to me, I just couldn't keep up with the things she needed in addition to the inability to resolve conflict quickly, and my work.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#563

Post by op00to » Wed, Apr 13, 2022, 10:16 PM UTC

pcthrowaway wrote: post #203

My relationship just ended for mostly similar reasons (it wasn't just glasses in the sink, it was a few other things I did that she considered disrespectful that seemed minor to me) I was the only one working and paying for the apartment, her hobbies, and school, but things like the above would escalate into long arguments that I would ask to defer. The problem was, I would sometimes forget details that were importan…

I'm sorry you went through that, ending of relationships can be very difficult. I hope you can find some peace. From how you describe it, your ex sounds like she doesn't respect implicit boundaries like "don't argue when someone's working".

You're very right that what you see is a sign of incompatibilities.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#564

Post by AussieWog93 » Wed, Apr 13, 2022, 10:17 PM UTC

ksdale wrote: post #549

DwnVoteHoneyPot wrote: post #509

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> a woman should defer completely to every single career decision a man makes You're making a straw man argument here... none of the comments above say "defer completely" or "every single decision".

Haha the parent post literally said that it was ironic that a woman would marry an ambitious man and then complain about said ambition. The ambition, implicitly, being wanting to move to Asia for a job. It seems to me if a woman isn't allowed to complain about moving continents for a job, she's not allowed to complain about anything, and this is, therefore, not a strawman.

Yeah, I don't see the straw man there. Signing up for 55-hour workweeks does not mean signing up for a life in Asia.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#565

Post by brewdad » Wed, Apr 13, 2022, 10:18 PM UTC

petermcneeley wrote: post #121

I thought the marriage vows were "till death do us part".

When the next time a glass is left out you can see yourself murdering your partner, it's ok to get out before that event actually occurs.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#566

Post by AussieWog93 » Wed, Apr 13, 2022, 10:18 PM UTC

dijonman2 wrote: post #397

ksdale wrote: post #390

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Marrying a successful, ambitious man does not, in any way, mean that a woman should defer completely to every single career decision a man makes. I'm sure this executive's schedule was already plenty demanding without the burden of moving to another country.

If the man is providing for the household then I’d argue that the woman should make every reasonable effort to support her husband. Everything changes all the time without exception. Getting used to change serves everyone.

The thing is, he was likely already providing incredibly well for the household and didn't need to move the whole family to Asia. If I pulled some crazy shit like that, I'd hope my wife reminds me who I'm working for and why.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#567

Post by op00to » Wed, Apr 13, 2022, 10:19 PM UTC

munk-a wrote: post #467

zwkrt wrote: post #366

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It’s never really about the dishes. The dishes are just a thing in physical space. That isn’t to say that you can’t be Disrespectful with dishes or that one or both people’s behavior and expectations regarding the minutia of the kitchen isn’t unreasonable. But fighting about dishes is really good indication that there are more fundamental underlying schisms in the relationship that should be addressed. In my personal…

> It’s never really about the dishes. The dishes are just a thing in physical space. I'd clarify that sometimes it is actually about the dishes. As someone with ADHD being in a living space with clutter slows me down and perpetuates more clutter. My solution to that is to never generate that sort of clutter - it leads to a destructive cycle I've identified in myself. If the person I'm sharing space with starts that c…

If dirty dishes trigger you, then you need to make sure the dishes get done. You are the principal person responsible for your own well being. You shouldn't force someone to do your bidding simply because you're triggered. I say this as someone who suffers from severe anxiety, and has to work very hard to not bully my family around to accommodate my anxiety.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#568

Post by vorpalhex » Wed, Apr 13, 2022, 10:21 PM UTC

technotony wrote: post #472

Hayvok wrote: post #308

Earlier quoted context omitted.

They don’t teach you stuff like this in business school, but they should.

Depends on the business school. At INSEAD we had a whole elective class devoted to personal psycological decisions like this to get people thinking about what kind of trade offs they wanted to make.

I wish that had been an option for me as a CS student.. it was hard for me to learn it in the real world where you get lots of "work hard, play hard" speeches.

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#569

Post by acuozzo » Wed, Apr 13, 2022, 10:22 PM UTC

fareesh wrote: post #444

Dishwashers have not really caught on in India. I wash my plate or glass in the sink immediately when I'm done. I've done this for my entire life and I find it strange that people postpone it for later. Why would you?

1. It's far easier to populate a dishwasher after feeding e.g. a family of four than it is to immediately wash all of the utensils, dishes, bowls, pots, and pans. This task is usually delegated to one member of a household in the US.

2. "Contrary to popular belief, the dishwasher is designed to be more efficient than the way most of us handwash dishes. According to Energy Star, certified dishwashers use less than four gallons per cycle. The sink uses four gallons of water every two minutes. But just how many dishes do you need to make the dishwasher a more water efficient choice? In a recent study, Cascade found that the average person spends 15 seconds handwashing a dish. In that time, the sink uses half a gallon of water. That’s why running your dishwasher with as few as eight dishes is all it takes to save water."

Re: A dirty dish by the sink can be a big marriage problem

#570

Post by SpaceMartini » Wed, Apr 13, 2022, 10:24 PM UTC

jrumbut wrote: post #411

a_brawling_boo wrote: post #356

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Thanks for saying this. I spent years worried if I took an hour or two or a day during 'busy' times, and it turned me into a liar, because I said I do things or be somewhere and often times I did not because of work. It is always a 'busy' time. It took years, several jobs, and therapy before my eyes were open. Nobody cares, you are a human and have a life, if your employer does not understand that you need a new one.

It's a challenge to recognize those times that your need to work constantly is what you want to do (excited about a technical challenge, avoiding something at home, on an ambition kick), and your boss wouldn't blink an eye if you took the week off rather than work 80 hours.

This hit me when moving from a start-up to a FAANG. There is effectively an infinite amount of work for me to do on any given day, so at some point I just have to decide to stop - if I don't, I'll just end up tired tomorrow with an equally infinite amount of stuff still to do.