So part of it is, there's horror stories because every time a man gets gutted in court--which is all the time--he spills his guts again to younger men. Dude I want to get married but I have no idea how I'll sign a marriage contract, which means I have no idea how the ceremony will go, it's too many issues, fuck.
Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
511–520 of 741 posts
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#512Earlier quoted context omitted.
Ok, don't take this wrong. I'm rooting for you. But there's the red flag. He said something that's a common expression, "taken", which is used for both men and women. It was clearly intended to be a compliment. You chose an unlikely interpretation that clearly didn't match intent or common usage and decided to get offended about it. After all your self description, I was wondering "how is she single?" Right there, no…
Well said, also another red flag, at least for me, is that she mentioned that she is looking for qualities of a partner like looking for a CTO. But the difference is that with a CTO is it is purely an economic relationship which can be terminated at anytime with no hard feelings while with a life partner or a husband, it is more of a covenant relationship meant to survive future uncertainties and so really less flash…
loyalty, tolerance and humility are qualities i would also like in a business partner because our business relationship should also be able * to survive future uncertainties*
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#513Earlier quoted context omitted.
Throwaway, because I'm going to say things that may not be all that kosher, but you asked for honest feedback, so here. Additionally, you're asking some very nerdy nerds this advice on a Saturday of a long weekend. The population sample here is biased as hell. Also, lets face it, men are pigs. And without a picture of you, we're all just guessing as to real reasons why. And, no, that doesn't mean I want a pic of you,…
Thank you for your kind and encouraging post! I’d be curious to hear from men here if they identify with this and feel un attracted to a woman providing for herself. Many thanks again for your thoughts and being positive and affirming .
It’s bad advice and maybe the rantings of a lunatic. Act like a damsel in distress? I don’t think I can read that twice without losing my vision. And the 3 P’s? C’mon. I have army special forces friends that make less than their wives and are childless, I don’t get the impression that they don’t feel like ‘real men’.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#514[dead]
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#515[flagged]
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#516Earlier quoted context omitted.
As a guy, on average you're actually getting more attractive as you age. For women, it works the opposite, which can understandably be very difficult for former hotties. The tables flip around 35-40 years old. Regardless, I wish you all the best and hope you find someone as awesome as I'm certain you are!
Funny. I feel I’m much more attractive now then when I was 30 and have heard the same from many women my age. Most people I meet think I’m 30, not 41. I eat really healthy, rarely drink, exercise more and have just learned better self-care, better fashion, better makeup and hair. Like a lot of nyc women, I’ve been constantly improving myself. A lot of men my age , by contrast seem to be balding and overweight…
That's great you're feeling better as you're older!
Though that last comment at 'balding' men -- do you consider that fair? Balding men didn't choose their genetics, nor did they do anything specific to become bald. And, outside of surgery, they can't stop being bald. Are you maybe saying these men need to shave their heads and commit to their fate, to stop 'balding' and just 'be bald'?
It is fair to call them overweight though, that is obviously 99% in their control.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#517Quoted post unavailable.
the formatting of your responses in the message makes them hard to read, next time, please add a line break before your answer, and/or use *quoted text* to make the quoted text show up in italic
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#518Earlier quoted context omitted.
Agreed. The term partner is really not what men are looking for. We’re looking for a wife— take care of my house and children, be attractive and cook. If you’re intelligent more the better.
That's not true. Sure there are a lot of men that want a traditional wife to take care of the house, etc. But I'm not sure they are the majority of men in 2022. Lots of men out there certainly don't want or care if their wife is a homemaker. I, personally, and many people I know aren't particularly interested in that sort of wife and would prefer a "partner" that that has her own professional and personal life and go…
You are woefully out of touch if you think that’s what the majority of men are not looking for and that’s just in the United States. Additionally a woman working does not automatically mean she doesn’t satisfy the other criteria.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#519Earlier quoted context omitted.
"smart enough"...after reading a lot of your replies, I get the sense this is biggest blocker. It seems you run a startup, so your looking for equal to that? Do you realize how rare that is? If I'm right about running a startup, or something of that nature of leadership, you may want to consider looking for someone that's funny and interesting, rather than smart. If you look at your male counterparts who have found m…
This probably sounds really arrogant, but I’ve long given up finding a man as smart as me:) A basic ability to carry on a conversation and make decisions based on data would be nice
If you made such a comment on a date, I'd get up and walk out without saying another word to you. To be quite honest, you do come across as somewhat naive / self-centered to the extent where I need to ask if you've ever been in a serious long-term relationship. That, combined with the sense that you're approaching this from an achievement point-of-view, makes me think that you're in for a rough time. Relationships are complicated and kids even more so. Being a good parent is not something that can be taken for granted, it takes a lot of time and a lot of energy.
By the way, you can't tick the "working on yourself" box by doing "therapy, support groups, meditation, dating coaching, yoga and hypnotism". These are just activities, and I'd say at least equally prone to make you a worse person as to improve you. The best way to work on yourself is to be in a healthy, dynamic relationship with someone that doesn't think you're insufferable. The compromises and attitude adjustments you'll have to make to keep the relationship going are invaluable learning (and humbling) experiences that no book or yoga teacher will ever teach you. And this is my advice to you, someone who's in his early 50s, divorced, happily remarried with kids from both marriages.
It seems to me you're trying to dive before learning to swim. I would forget kids for the next 1-3 years, and focus on finding someone to be in a deep relationship with. Even if that doesn't work out, you'll be a lot better off afterwards regarding working on yourself. That will also make you a better parent.
Re: Ask HN: I’m 41 and still unmarried – what should I do?
#520The problem is almost assuredly not with these men, but with your perfectionism. Or trauma. Or distorted beliefs about relationships. You need to dig into your beliefs about relationships and uncover where your distortions lie.