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ADHD Didn't Break Me–My Parents Did

claimingattention.substack.com

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Re: ADHD Didn't Break Me–My Parents Did

#51

Post by jappgar »

bitwize wrote: post #45
kerkeslager wrote: post #25

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> As a neuroatypical parent of a neuroatypical children, I still have to guide them understanding the structures and expectations of society, and I see often time that she resents me for it, as the autor resent their upbringing. I think where a lot of parents go wrong is representing things as "because I said so" when in fact, there is a very good reason for what the parent is doing and explaining that reason to the…

"Because I said so" means "My authority as a parent should be sufficient reason for compliance. You asking for additional justification threatens my shifgrethor." Shifgrethor -- Ursula K. LeGuin's word meaning, roughly, authority simultaneously as the bedrock of the organization of society and as a measure of personal self-worth, is widely perceived as bullshit by neurodivergents, and it mostly probably is. But it is…

"Normies" don't actually think it's a good moral justification, they just understand that disobedience to power has consequences.

A lot of typical and atypical people have fought and died side-by-side to fight tyrannical abuses of power.

Re: ADHD Didn't Break Me–My Parents Did

#52

Post by galleywest200 »

jader201 wrote: post #30
sibeliuss wrote: post #10

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The point is: there isn't a "right" way. That's exactly what the author is trying to say. By failing to recognize the ways in which they were different, they forced a mode upon them and here we are. A whole medicalized generation addicted to stimulants trying to fit in where in past generations you had artists and rebels and seekers and every other kind of misfit that made life interesting and unique and challenging…

> in past generations you had artists and rebels and seekers and every other kind of misfit that made life interesting and unique and challenging to the status quo I get what you’re saying, but parents of ADHD children are looking to help them become adults that can function in society and be independent without the struggles that are often accompanied with ADHD: addiction and self-destructive choices. A lot of the t…

Maybe it is just my subjective experiences in life and who I happened to meet, but people most would classify as "seekers and misfits" tend to have smiles on their faces more often than people who look just like everyone else.

Re: ADHD Didn't Break Me–My Parents Did

#53

Post by floydnoel »

hkpack wrote: post #16
redundantly wrote: post #8

Earlier quoted context omitted.

All three of my kids are neurodivergent. If they have suffered from my parenting, they are more than welcome to blame me. Sure, parenting kids with ADHD or Autism or whatever else is hard, but that doesn't make one a Saint and therefore unassailable. If comeuppance is due, it's due.

I agree, I mean that it is almost impossible not to fail at from the child’s perspective. I blame the structure of society for this. When kid wants to spend time with animals, friends and just be in nature - we can only offer more classes and screens.

there are other options, though. most choose not to take the hard path of choosing them

Re: ADHD Didn't Break Me–My Parents Did

#54

Post by [deleted] »

hkpack wrote: post #2

The person blaming his parents because they tried to do their job of, well, parenting a child with ADHD. I’ve read that psychotherapy is much more difficult when there is no-one to blame. So it might help for him, until he will have his own kids with ADHD and fail in a completely opposite way. I would not recommend anyone to blame parents of neurodivergent kids, as it is a very difficult job to do right.

[deleted]

Re: ADHD Didn't Break Me–My Parents Did

#55

Post by SteveNuts »

sibeliuss wrote: post #10
hkpack wrote: post #2

The person blaming his parents because they tried to do their job of, well, parenting a child with ADHD. I’ve read that psychotherapy is much more difficult when there is no-one to blame. So it might help for him, until he will have his own kids with ADHD and fail in a completely opposite way. I would not recommend anyone to blame parents of neurodivergent kids, as it is a very difficult job to do right.

The point is: there isn't a "right" way. That's exactly what the author is trying to say. By failing to recognize the ways in which they were different, they forced a mode upon them and here we are. A whole medicalized generation addicted to stimulants trying to fit in where in past generations you had artists and rebels and seekers and every other kind of misfit that made life interesting and unique and challenging…

> The point is: there isn't a "right" way.

I can tell you at least one “wrong way” though, which is to completely ignore it and pretend it doesn’t exist.

That’s what my parents did and it’s extremely frustrating to deal with as an adult. Logically I understand there’s no value in living in the past, but the “what if” thoughts will nag me forever.

What if instead of failing out of high school and getting a GED, I could have been an honor roll student and go to the college of my dreams? Things like that.

The other problem is that I somehow lucked into a great, well-paying career, so now they just say “what’s the problem, everything worked out!”.

Re: ADHD Didn't Break Me–My Parents Did

#57

Post by tremon »

hkpack wrote: post #2

The person blaming his parents because they tried to do their job of, well, parenting a child with ADHD. I’ve read that psychotherapy is much more difficult when there is no-one to blame. So it might help for him, until he will have his own kids with ADHD and fail in a completely opposite way. I would not recommend anyone to blame parents of neurodivergent kids, as it is a very difficult job to do right.

The text doesn't read as if he's blaming his parents for anything. It seems to be a pretty neutral acknowledgement of past harms so he can move past them. Any "blame" you're reading into it is purely coming from your own perspective. He's pretty explicit about that:

> Yet I forgave: I have other things to attend to if I truly want to get over what happened.

I'd say his recovery/therapy is going pretty well. His perspective on the situation seems healthier than yours.

Re: ADHD Didn't Break Me–My Parents Did

#58

Post by pugets »

My experience with my ADHD diagnosis and the 25 years of Adderall that followed have left me jaded at the state of psychiatry.

The focus of my attention does indeed change at a rate which is faster than average. If something can distract me from a task, then it usually does, at least for a few moments. But why is this classified as a deficiency and a disorder? In other words, why is directed attention considered the normal human experience?

To me, it seems obvious. My attention is considered deficient because we have constructed a society in which we expect children as young as 8 (that was the age I was diagnosed) to focus in a classroom on highly abstract topics (history, language, math, etc.) for hours at a time without issue. If a child can’t meet that expectation, then they will be medicated until they do.

But if we lived in a different society, especially one set in pre-modern times, then my kind of attention might not be considered a disorder. It could even be advantageous. How many early humans suffered a premature death because their hyper-focus on gathering berries left them oblivious to the rustling of leaves?

Re: ADHD Didn't Break Me–My Parents Did

#59

Post by tac19 »

lacedeconstruct wrote: post #9
knodi wrote: post #6

Parenting is hard, right or wrong are always in far future’s hindsight. I felt the need to blame my dad, until I had my own kids.

I felt the need to blame my parents, until my life got better and I realized whatever they did had no impact once I decided to take full responsibility

That is a really unsupportable conclusion.

As an extreme example just to make the point undeniable, your parents could have poisoned you, ending your life. Or they could have maimed you and left you unable to walk, or to see. And those are just gross examples.

Parents have a huge impact in an unknowable number of ways. Yours did on you, too.

Re: ADHD Didn't Break Me–My Parents Did

#60

Post by agieocean »

Really feel for the author. My parents intentionally threw up obstacles to my learning because they assumed they knew what was best for me even as they actively rejected people trying to help me. As a result I fell years behind where I should have been and had to catch up quick though it was easy to do so when I was no longer under their control.
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