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The CLARA Method of De-Escalation

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Re: The CLARA Method of De-Escalation

#51

Post by pc86 »

vinceguidry wrote: post #42

Occasionally when dealing with irrational people I have found it useful to match their energy level. So if they're yelling, you start raising your voice too. And you take whatever it is they're saying seriously . And if you have an objection, you state that objection. Then you continue the argument until the raised voices seem pointless and you both just calm down. I had to learn this technique when I was living with…

One of my sales mentors shared this story with me, but I'm not sure where he heard it originally. Basically what you said, if someone comes to you angry about something, be angrier but not at them. In all but the most extreme cases they end up trying to calm you down.

His example was a tailor of very high-end clothes, think tuxedos that cost as much as most folks' cars, custom women's jackets for formal events, etc. A customer comes in, angry that a button is sewed on with an incorrect thread pattern. Something to fix if you're paying $10,000 for a jacket but not exactly something reasonable to get angry about. The customer comes in, throws the jacket on the counter and demands that it be fixed. Rather than trying to de-escalate their anger, be absolutely outraged that one of your employees would do this. Assure the customer that you will find out who did something so inconceivably stupid, and that you will most certainly fire them on the spot. The expected response will generally be something like "well, it's not that big of a deal I mean if we just fix the threading..."

I'm sure there have been exceptions for other folks but every time I've used this tactic (generally reserved for the most egregiously ridiculous displays of anger) it's worked almost immediately.

Re: The CLARA Method of De-Escalation

#52

Post by koonsolo »

Faaak wrote: post #7
harshreality wrote: post #5

Earlier quoted context omitted.

But... If you have to still do this with adults, it means the adults haven't learned to regulate their emotions well enough to listen to a rational argument even while they're upset. It's gotten so bad that some adults never listen to things they don't emotionally agree with, even when they're not initially upset (hearing contrary facts makes them upset). That is a catastrophe for rational thought and discourse. If a…

Sadly, humans are not rational thinkers. "Never Split the Difference" is a good book about that. I recommend anyone to read it !

Haha, I was thinking about the same book when reading the comment! Highly recommended indeed, but you beat me to it.

Re: The CLARA Method of De-Escalation

#53

Post by the-dude »

amelius wrote: post #35
dannyw wrote: post #30

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"Can I have your name [again]?" "Could you please transfer me to [name] as they were helping me out previously with this issue?"

That's difficult to ask when you are kicked out of the session with a "have a nice day, please rate this conversation". Come on, just give me a link to click on or an email address.

When I get connected I always take a note of the persons name, and ask for it if it not given upfront.

Re: The CLARA Method of De-Escalation

#54

Post by afro88 »

vinceguidry wrote: post #42

Occasionally when dealing with irrational people I have found it useful to match their energy level. So if they're yelling, you start raising your voice too. And you take whatever it is they're saying seriously . And if you have an objection, you state that objection. Then you continue the argument until the raised voices seem pointless and you both just calm down. I had to learn this technique when I was living with…

"irrational people" != people with "undiagnosed and untreated personality disorders"

I just think it's important to iterate that. At the beginning of your comment it seems like you're offering a different general approach to the general approach given in the article.

Re: The CLARA Method of De-Escalation

#55

Post by Kalium »

vinceguidry wrote: post #42

Occasionally when dealing with irrational people I have found it useful to match their energy level. So if they're yelling, you start raising your voice too. And you take whatever it is they're saying seriously . And if you have an objection, you state that objection. Then you continue the argument until the raised voices seem pointless and you both just calm down. I had to learn this technique when I was living with…

> I had to learn this technique when I was living with friends that had undiagnosed and untreated personality disorders. Remaining calm while they're blowing up simply didn't work, and led them to think I was patronizing them.

I've definitely had this experience. I have at least one friend who never learned to control her displays of anger at all, and who regards failing to be as angry as her as proof that you're not listening or taking her seriously. The weird result is that dealing with her displays calmly just convinces her you're a patronizing ass.

Re: The CLARA Method of De-Escalation

#57

Post by koonsolo »

madaxe_again wrote: post #29
crypt1d wrote: post #11

I can totally relate to this from both perspectives (being pissed off at someone, and trying to calm somebody pissed off) and seeing how both approaches work/dont work. Not too long ago I opened a dispute with Ryanair about what I thought was quite obvious their own issue for which I should be refunded (I provided screenshots and everything). I've reached out to their customer support expecting to raise a simple issu…

I’ve found, much to my chagrin, that anger seems to be a much better way to achieve what you want than being pleasant and diplomatic. Cases in point: ecommerce retailer offers next day shipping, but nothing arrives. I chase. “Oh it’s out of stock”. “It said in stock on your site... i’ll have X instead”. A week later, still nothing. “Oh it’s in the post”. A week later, still nothing, still “in the post”. I ask for a r…

I agree that it works, but it works better in less personal and less connected environments.

If you do this with people you have to work with constantly, they will start to avoid you.

Re: The CLARA Method of De-Escalation

#58

Post by hutzlibu »

baldfat wrote: post #26

I have friends in politics and I have even run for office (School Board 17 people ran for 5 positions and 4 were re-elections I got 6th :( but my friend I was running with she got 5th :). My job every election is to go to where the screamers and yellers are. For some reason the election official leaves these people outside that will yell and throw a tantrum if anyone even mentions a different opinion, which lowers vo…

"This is why debates never change eachother's mind, because we hold on to certain "facts" "

Disagree with the generalisation. Most yes, but not all. I used to be like it, as well, but consciously changed. I still feel mostly superior, though, but I am still open for reconsidering every one of my points, as I still remember really silly points of views I once had and considered superior.

Plus, I also found out, that if I am in fact superior - meaning I really understand the other person's (flawed) point of view even though he maybe communicates it poorly, I am usually able to get important points through if worded and timed right ...

But in general I believe the main problem is, that most people just never learned to communicate properly.

edit: but yes, when people are really angry, they don't listen, so what works sometimes, to ask them, if they also want to listen to my reply ... so that makes them thinking a bit. In one instance I remember getting a plain no. So I told him I go away as this is no communication anymore. And I did and later he came to and said, now he wants to listen - and we calmly sorted everything out, what would have otherwise potentially evolved into a violent fight.

Re: The CLARA Method of De-Escalation

#59

Post by jnordwick »

vinceguidry wrote: post #42

Occasionally when dealing with irrational people I have found it useful to match their energy level. So if they're yelling, you start raising your voice too. And you take whatever it is they're saying seriously . And if you have an objection, you state that objection. Then you continue the argument until the raised voices seem pointless and you both just calm down. I had to learn this technique when I was living with…

> friends that had undiagnosed and untreated personality disorders

So you diagnosed multiple of your friends as having personality disorders? I'm guessing your not a psychologist.

> match their energy level

This is the exact opposite of what you should be doing. You are always to stay below their level to diffuse the situation. If their energy level goes down, you lower yours further.

You literally diagnosed your friends and badgered them to the point of crying.

Re: The CLARA Method of De-Escalation

#60

Post by vinceguidry »

afro88 wrote: post #54
vinceguidry wrote: post #42

Occasionally when dealing with irrational people I have found it useful to match their energy level. So if they're yelling, you start raising your voice too. And you take whatever it is they're saying seriously . And if you have an objection, you state that objection. Then you continue the argument until the raised voices seem pointless and you both just calm down. I had to learn this technique when I was living with…

"irrational people" != people with "undiagnosed and untreated personality disorders" I just think it's important to iterate that. At the beginning of your comment it seems like you're offering a different general approach to the general approach given in the article.

Hmm. I didn't understand that they had such crosses to bear at the time. I just knew that they were acting irrationally. If they were rational, then remaining calm would have worked. It didn't, so I needed a different approach. I didn't work out until later that they had PDs and what that meant.

Nobody can know that another person has a PD until a pattern of interactions makes it clear.

Also, as you can see further down in the comments to your parent, iterating in that direction leaves the impression that you're being an armchair psychologist. I think it's important to retain the aspect of the narrative that you didn't know what situation you were in when you were dealing with it.

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