The Problem with Modern Romance Is Too Much Choice • Hacker News Board

Re: The Problem with Modern Romance Is Too Much Choice

#51

Post by danharaj » Sat, Oct 08, 2016, 11:12 PM UTC

curiousdater wrote: post #44

bruceb wrote: post #42

Considering HN is a relatively affluent crowd would anyone who is having trouble online dating pay to have their dating profile edited/rewritten and also their msgs to potential dates (I say to women as would seem to be most likely) . Thus saving time and lessening frustration? There seem to be a lot of decently intelligent men that are not skilled at writing good profiles and msgs. Thoughts on what one would pay, wi…

Is it really about what's written??? 90% is visual is it not? How is it for you ... if you don't find her attractive as im sure you look at her pics first.. are you going to bother reading what her profile says?

Having sat with both male and female friends who were swiping on Tinder, both are important. A poorly written bio does not get a pass from a pretty face and a well written bio can make up for average looks. With how much artistic discretion one has with a camera, lighting, and makeup, everyone should be able to take a good selfie. It's harder to make the case for personality in text than looks with a photo.

Re: The Problem with Modern Romance Is Too Much Choice

#52

Post by sotojuan » Sat, Oct 08, 2016, 11:12 PM UTC

nashashmi wrote: post #32

mancerayder wrote: post #26

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Below 26 is your killer. Statistically, people marry later than before, and women are more educated (both 'than before' and 'than men'). Women have more career opportunities than before, so why would they want to marry at 26 (or sub-26, as you put it). That kills their opportunities for careers and post-collegiate education. Family values? That's one specific to your region of the country (I'm in a less pious part of…

Not really true. There are many women out there who marry below 26, even with career opportunities. Debt tends to be low, though not zero. And family values are high. However, they do tend to be from a set of ethnicities that are not extreme Western or American. The women you may be referring to are unbounded, liberal, and non-restrictive. The set of men they tend to attract are less serious, less guided, are more sh…

FWIW the groups of people that marry before 26 may not be attractive to the average HN reader as they tend to be moderately to very religious (at least that's my experience) or "conservative" e.g. a good amount of my suburban/semi-rural Texan high school acquaintances already got married (I'm 22) yet no one I know from my NYC college class is anywhere close to that.

Re: The Problem with Modern Romance Is Too Much Choice

#53

Post by curiousdater » Sat, Oct 08, 2016, 11:12 PM UTC

bruceb wrote: post #47

curiousdater wrote: post #44

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Is it really about what's written??? 90% is visual is it not? How is it for you ... if you don't find her attractive as im sure you look at her pics first.. are you going to bother reading what her profile says?

Do people judge on looks, of course but women less so. How a profile is written can absolutely make a difference. It is your personality translated in to words.

Nah as bisexual guy and in my experience women are more judgemental then guys.

They after all might procreate with you.

Re: The Problem with Modern Romance Is Too Much Choice

#54

Post by mancerayder » Sat, Oct 08, 2016, 11:13 PM UTC

imaginenore wrote: post #38

colmvp wrote: post #14

I'm just going to preface this by saying I'm a fairly physically unattractive man (short, Asian, assymetrical face with no strong jawline). The quality of the women (based on intellect, personality, accomplishments, and appearance) who I've met in real life first before dating have been vastly superior to the women who I managed to find a date with through online dating. Besides the restrictiveness of the online dati…

When you make a strict distinction between hooking up and dating, everything starts to make sense. Hooking up stats are rather clear: around 80% of women have sex with around 20% of men. That's why an average looking guy on PoF/CL/Tinder/OkCupid has very little chance compared to real life. This imbalance is actually caused by the guys. Your average guy will throw himself at almost any woman. You join a site, you go…

Hooking up stats are rather clear: around 80% of women have sex with around 20% of men. That's why an average looking guy on PoF/CL/Tinder/OkCupid has very little chance compared to real life.

While I think this sounds very true, do you have a reference?

It completely matches the experience in the city I live in, and I'd love to be able to quote it to people.

Re: The Problem with Modern Romance Is Too Much Choice

#55

Post by sotojuan » Sat, Oct 08, 2016, 11:16 PM UTC

chinese_dan wrote: post #19

colmvp wrote: post #14

I'm just going to preface this by saying I'm a fairly physically unattractive man (short, Asian, assymetrical face with no strong jawline). The quality of the women (based on intellect, personality, accomplishments, and appearance) who I've met in real life first before dating have been vastly superior to the women who I managed to find a date with through online dating. Besides the restrictiveness of the online dati…

The other problem I've noticed is that most women don't have a problem finding a date. They can go to a bar, club, library, grocery store and men ask them out. Why do they need to go online in the first place? They are either too picky or have some other major issue. Before I was married, I found dates online all the time. 99% of the women I dated had issues or were too picky. I didn't end up finding my wife until I…

One thing many people that are focused on online dating don't realize is that most of the other users aren't really serious about it. A lot of my female (and some male) friends had an OK Cupid for really no reason other than just to scroll around when bored or because a friend had one.

Re: The Problem with Modern Romance Is Too Much Choice

#56

Post by [deleted] » Sat, Oct 08, 2016, 11:17 PM UTC

ardit33 wrote: post #50

ben_jones wrote: post #41

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Is it racist to have physical preferences that conform to "race"? If I were, for example, to like tall men, and therefore have a preference for men of a race which is stereotypically tall, does that make me racist?

Yeah, it is by definition. If you are excluding somebody just because of their race (even if they are tall, handsome, or whatever else your are seeking on a partner), then it is. It is fine, there is nothing wrong with it, as you should do whatever you want with your romantic life, but it is racist as you are excluding a group of people from your dating pool just because of their race.

[deleted]

Re: The Problem with Modern Romance Is Too Much Choice

#57

Post by sotojuan » Sat, Oct 08, 2016, 11:18 PM UTC

danharaj wrote: post #43

colmvp wrote: post #14

I'm just going to preface this by saying I'm a fairly physically unattractive man (short, Asian, assymetrical face with no strong jawline). The quality of the women (based on intellect, personality, accomplishments, and appearance) who I've met in real life first before dating have been vastly superior to the women who I managed to find a date with through online dating. Besides the restrictiveness of the online dati…

Here's another thing society does that heavily penalizes "unattractive" men: Men are strongly stigmatized for wearing make-up for personal (as opposed to professional) use. It really isn't fair. A good foundation and some concealer goes a long way. I don't think attractiveness matters past initiating the first date in a cold relationship. Who knows, is it because I've gotten older? Getting to know someone makes their…

I'm guessing this isn't so much the case in other cultures as I had a few male Korean friends who wore light make up.

Re: The Problem with Modern Romance Is Too Much Choice

#58

Post by asdfologist » Sat, Oct 08, 2016, 11:18 PM UTC

ben_jones wrote: post #41

__s wrote: post #21

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Your anecdote rings with how there are many people who hold racist tendencies, but exclude their friends of said race from those tendencies. Essentially when they think 'all X' they mean 'all X besides those whom I know'

Is it racist to have physical preferences that conform to "race"? If I were, for example, to like tall men, and therefore have a preference for men of a race which is stereotypically tall, does that make me racist?

No. Any dictionary definition of racism suggests a feeling of superiority over the race in question. Romantic preferences have nothing to do with it.

Re: The Problem with Modern Romance Is Too Much Choice

#59

Post by danharaj » Sat, Oct 08, 2016, 11:18 PM UTC

k__ wrote: post #37

I'm into polyamory, I'm also rather alternative looking (mowhawk, piercings). These things filter >99% of the people out, but most of them aren't of my interest in the first place. Globally I have lesser choice, locally it works out pretty good for me, at least at the moment.

I'm nominally polyamorous as well. I haven't tried to maintain multiple relationships at a time (one is already so hard!) but I prefer to date people with polyamorous tendencies. It makes dating and commitment so much easier and all of my romantic relationships have translated into intimate friendships when they ended. I find that polyamory is a good proxy for flexibility and a more deliberate attitude towards cultivating relationships.

Re: The Problem with Modern Romance Is Too Much Choice

#60

Post by sotojuan » Sat, Oct 08, 2016, 11:21 PM UTC

bruceb wrote: post #42

Considering HN is a relatively affluent crowd would anyone who is having trouble online dating pay to have their dating profile edited/rewritten and also their msgs to potential dates (I say to women as would seem to be most likely) . Thus saving time and lessening frustration? There seem to be a lot of decently intelligent men that are not skilled at writing good profiles and msgs. Thoughts on what one would pay, wi…

I think the HN crowd would do better at just meeting people in person. People can get "profile reviews" for free (see /r/okcupid), but success depends on a lot of random factors no one can really control. Though I'm guessing "good/serious profiles" are more attractive to late 20s women than women my age (22), so maybe I'm wrong.

That said, I hear the demographics in SV are pretty bad for men. Here in NYC, I met my partner fairly easily through a friend (classic way).