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The Problem with Modern Romance Is Too Much Choice

nautil.us

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Re: The Problem with Modern Romance Is Too Much Choice

#41

Post by ben_jones »

__s wrote: post #21
colmvp wrote: post #14

I'm just going to preface this by saying I'm a fairly physically unattractive man (short, Asian, assymetrical face with no strong jawline). The quality of the women (based on intellect, personality, accomplishments, and appearance) who I've met in real life first before dating have been vastly superior to the women who I managed to find a date with through online dating. Besides the restrictiveness of the online dati…

Your anecdote rings with how there are many people who hold racist tendencies, but exclude their friends of said race from those tendencies. Essentially when they think 'all X' they mean 'all X besides those whom I know'

Is it racist to have physical preferences that conform to "race"? If I were, for example, to like tall men, and therefore have a preference for men of a race which is stereotypically tall, does that make me racist?

Re: The Problem with Modern Romance Is Too Much Choice

#42

Post by bruceb »

Considering HN is a relatively affluent crowd would anyone who is having trouble online dating pay to have their dating profile edited/rewritten and also their msgs to potential dates (I say to women as would seem to be most likely) . Thus saving time and lessening frustration?

There seem to be a lot of decently intelligent men that are not skilled at writing good profiles and msgs.

Thoughts on what one would pay, with and without a guarantee of X success.

Re: The Problem with Modern Romance Is Too Much Choice

#43

Post by danharaj »

colmvp wrote: post #14

I'm just going to preface this by saying I'm a fairly physically unattractive man (short, Asian, assymetrical face with no strong jawline). The quality of the women (based on intellect, personality, accomplishments, and appearance) who I've met in real life first before dating have been vastly superior to the women who I managed to find a date with through online dating. Besides the restrictiveness of the online dati…

Here's another thing society does that heavily penalizes "unattractive" men: Men are strongly stigmatized for wearing make-up for personal (as opposed to professional) use. It really isn't fair. A good foundation and some concealer goes a long way.

I don't think attractiveness matters past initiating the first date in a cold relationship. Who knows, is it because I've gotten older? Getting to know someone makes their face so dynamic and expressive. Every human face is pretty once you get to know it that way. Perhaps that is why it's easier to date people we're already friends with: we already know how pretty and interesting they are, what more could one want?

Re: The Problem with Modern Romance Is Too Much Choice

#44

Post by curiousdater »

bruceb wrote: post #42

Considering HN is a relatively affluent crowd would anyone who is having trouble online dating pay to have their dating profile edited/rewritten and also their msgs to potential dates (I say to women as would seem to be most likely) . Thus saving time and lessening frustration? There seem to be a lot of decently intelligent men that are not skilled at writing good profiles and msgs. Thoughts on what one would pay, wi…

Is it really about what's written???

90% is visual is it not?

How is it for you ... if you don't find her attractive as im sure you look at her pics first.. are you going to bother reading what her profile says?

Re: The Problem with Modern Romance Is Too Much Choice

#45

Post by ardit33 »

bruceb wrote: post #42

Considering HN is a relatively affluent crowd would anyone who is having trouble online dating pay to have their dating profile edited/rewritten and also their msgs to potential dates (I say to women as would seem to be most likely) . Thus saving time and lessening frustration? There seem to be a lot of decently intelligent men that are not skilled at writing good profiles and msgs. Thoughts on what one would pay, wi…

Very polished profiles help to get first dates, but not actually finding good partners.

I know/have friends that are actually really good at getting the first date, but strike out after it. At the end of the day you need in person skills, and being polished yourself to be lucky at it.

People that are polished in person and come out as they have their stuff together, tend to do much better in meeting people in real life. It seems that most dating apps are geared/optimized towards engagement and keep you swiping more than actually finding a partner.

Also, the only success stories I have heard of online/app dating has been only from women.

Re: The Problem with Modern Romance Is Too Much Choice

#46

Post by [deleted] »

zajd wrote: post #25
chinese_dan wrote: post #19

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The other problem I've noticed is that most women don't have a problem finding a date. They can go to a bar, club, library, grocery store and men ask them out. Why do they need to go online in the first place? They are either too picky or have some other major issue. Before I was married, I found dates online all the time. 99% of the women I dated had issues or were too picky. I didn't end up finding my wife until I…

I guess that depends on your definition of too picky? If you want to have a partner that shares similar life values to you and it's not that common amongst the population near you (or willing to come up and ask you out) just rolling the dice with random people can get old real quick. Some things are worth being picky about and just dealing with up front. If you can choose from 100 people why not eliminate the ones wh…

[deleted]

Re: The Problem with Modern Romance Is Too Much Choice

#47

Post by bruceb »

curiousdater wrote: post #44
bruceb wrote: post #42

Considering HN is a relatively affluent crowd would anyone who is having trouble online dating pay to have their dating profile edited/rewritten and also their msgs to potential dates (I say to women as would seem to be most likely) . Thus saving time and lessening frustration? There seem to be a lot of decently intelligent men that are not skilled at writing good profiles and msgs. Thoughts on what one would pay, wi…

Is it really about what's written??? 90% is visual is it not? How is it for you ... if you don't find her attractive as im sure you look at her pics first.. are you going to bother reading what her profile says?

Do people judge on looks, of course but women less so. How a profile is written can absolutely make a difference. It is your personality translated in to words.

Re: The Problem with Modern Romance Is Too Much Choice

#48

Post by danharaj »

ben_jones wrote: post #41
__s wrote: post #21

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Your anecdote rings with how there are many people who hold racist tendencies, but exclude their friends of said race from those tendencies. Essentially when they think 'all X' they mean 'all X besides those whom I know'

Is it racist to have physical preferences that conform to "race"? If I were, for example, to like tall men, and therefore have a preference for men of a race which is stereotypically tall, does that make me racist?

It's a very complicated question because human relationships are complicated.

I would say no, and in fact even having a preference for something like skin complexion isn't enough to make one racist. What is racist is stating the preference in terms of race and categorically denying that one would ever be attractive to a person of or or whatever. I think it would be pretty ugly to say that you would never date a short person, regardless of any implications for one's ideas about race, too. Like, it's different to say "i find tall people attractive" versus "i find short people unattractive".

Personal preferences aside, the way society signals which physical features are desirable and undesirable is racist. This is largely commercialized and driven by marketing departments these days but it is rooted in all sorts of institutions that govern the desirability and undesirability of certain bodies. So, as an individual, signaling one's preferences can feed into this structural power that decides who is pretty and who is not. Individual preferences are almost certainly partly influenced by messages society sends us and it's important to keep that in mind.

Re: The Problem with Modern Romance Is Too Much Choice

#49

Post by [deleted] »

danharaj wrote: post #43
colmvp wrote: post #14

I'm just going to preface this by saying I'm a fairly physically unattractive man (short, Asian, assymetrical face with no strong jawline). The quality of the women (based on intellect, personality, accomplishments, and appearance) who I've met in real life first before dating have been vastly superior to the women who I managed to find a date with through online dating. Besides the restrictiveness of the online dati…

Here's another thing society does that heavily penalizes "unattractive" men: Men are strongly stigmatized for wearing make-up for personal (as opposed to professional) use. It really isn't fair. A good foundation and some concealer goes a long way. I don't think attractiveness matters past initiating the first date in a cold relationship. Who knows, is it because I've gotten older? Getting to know someone makes their…

[deleted]

Re: The Problem with Modern Romance Is Too Much Choice

#50

Post by ardit33 »

ben_jones wrote: post #41
__s wrote: post #21

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Your anecdote rings with how there are many people who hold racist tendencies, but exclude their friends of said race from those tendencies. Essentially when they think 'all X' they mean 'all X besides those whom I know'

Is it racist to have physical preferences that conform to "race"? If I were, for example, to like tall men, and therefore have a preference for men of a race which is stereotypically tall, does that make me racist?

Yeah, it is by definition. If you are excluding somebody just because of their race (even if they are tall, handsome, or whatever else your are seeking on a partner), then it is.

It is fine, there is nothing wrong with it, as you should do whatever you want with your romantic life, but it is racist as you are excluding a group of people from your dating pool just because of their race.

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