Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

researchgate.net

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

441–450 of 806 posts

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#441

Post by kragen »

thwayunion wrote: post #422
kragen wrote: post #334

Earlier quoted context omitted.

While I agree that nonmonogamy doesn't solve the problem of heterosexual members of gender A having almost sex almost exclusively with a small group drawn from gender B, I think it can be helpful in ameliorating a different aspect of the problem of loneliness, and in particular sexual loneliness. If you're in a monogamous relationship with someone with a permanent major sexual incompatibility with you, your options a…

I largely agree. My point was not to criticize non-monogamy per se or to suggest that it should be completely avoided. To wit: the human experience is infinitely varied and consenting adults should be free to address the special circumstances of their own lives in whichever way works for them. However, non-monogamy isn't a reasonable solution to the epidemic of sexual loneliness characterized in the article. With res…

I concur, and I find the quasi-economic formulation of the problem somewhat repellent; I think it tends to inhibit the kind of thinking that's needed to form meaningful and intimate connections with other people.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#442

Post by ocdtrekkie »

lechacker wrote: post #402
spaniard89277 wrote: post #38

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I've been running online communities for years and this, as far as I can see, factual. I've read somewhere, maybe multiple times, that most men are emotionally and sexually deprived. That sounds correct given the data I have. I'm ok looking and I feel like I can make women like me. I still struggle sometimes. Many of my friends do much worse than me. I have friends that I find intellectually stimulating, average-look…

Being inexperienced in your 30s as a man is game over. Sorry to put it bluntly but for those guys there isn't a path that leads to a relationship or real intimacy of any kind.

This is completely false. I remained "inexperienced" into my thirties, and am now happily married.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#443

Post by antisthenes »

rngname22 wrote: post #380
ryeights wrote: post #150

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Unfortunately this response is divorced from reality. I have observed many 20-something women swiping through Tinder and the #1 cause for a man’s profile to be rejected is his attractiveness simply being average or below average. Have you ever tried online dating on platforms such as Tinder?

I've observed it as well, and the truth is that attractiveness is just highly individual. And the guys they do think are attractive are often just their particular brand of 'cute' average guy who to my eyes as a non-attracted-to-men person don't look that much different than the previous 10 guys they swiped left on.

> I've observed it as well, and the truth is that attractiveness is just highly individual

The OkCupid data confirmed this is false. Top 20% of men receive the vast majority of female attention.

The inverse of that is that the majority of women think that 80% of men are mostly unattractive or at least unattractive to them. This is about as far as you can get from just trying to sweep the stats aside with a "highly individual" comment.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#444

Post by retrac »

morbia wrote: post #327
retrac wrote: post #162

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think it's very telling there's no real lesbian equivalent to the sex clubs for gay men, or Grindr for that matter. They do exist; relatively few women actually use them. Pornography by and for gay men, is as popular if not more so, with gay men as pornography is with straight men. The market for such material aimed at women, gay or straight, is rather marginal by comparison. Similarly, a very large % of gay men wh…

> Similarly, a very large % of gay men who are partnered romantically, are in open relationships. And by large % I mean around half. At least with American gay women, open relationships are a very minor thing, similar to the rates with heterosexuals. I would love to know the actual number here, as someone in the gay male open relationship category. I remember discussing this with a friend of mine, who is also in an o…

Sorry I did not include data I was thinking of when I posted:

> When analyzing the whole sample, approximately 2% of heterosexual participants, 32% of gay participants, 5% of lesbian participants, 22% of bisexual participants, and 14% of those who described their sexualities as “other” reported being in open relationships;

-- https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC5958351/

Similar ratio from studies done in 2005 and 2015 in the UK: https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2016/jul/22/gay-dat...

As another gay man, I used to be radically skeptical of monogamy. Like in my 20s I was spouting the line that it's a heterosexual construct falsely imposed on us for moralistic reasons. But both personal experience, and a widened social group, has led me to believe that, for a significant number of gay men a monogamous relationship is ideal. They're happiest in them, and seem to be able to make them work. Perhaps with some compromises and perhaps not entirely happy, but for what it's worth, I'm not sure I've met any couple that was perfectly happy.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#445

Post by matheusmoreira »

fxtentacle wrote: post #15

I love how the article compares the unequal distribution of sex partners with the unequal distribution of wealth, because in my opinion that might be part of the cause. I would predict that being able to afford a nice apartment in a good area close to date locations will easily 10x your sex chances. There have been other studies about young men struggling to find jobs that pay well enough for them to become financial…

> compares the unequal distribution of sex partners with the unequal distribution of wealth

It's certainly an interesting perspective. Here's another:

https://www.overcomingbias.com/2018/06/comparing-income-sex-...

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#446

Post by ryeights »

ssully wrote: post #338
ryeights wrote: post #150

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Unfortunately this response is divorced from reality. I have observed many 20-something women swiping through Tinder and the #1 cause for a man’s profile to be rejected is his attractiveness simply being average or below average. Have you ever tried online dating on platforms such as Tinder?

Men do the same thing. That’s literally why the swipe style of dating apps was created; to quickly judge if you are interested or not mainly in appearance. That’s why the OPs first point was about good photos and presentation.

This is correct, to an extent. But all the good presentation and clever bio-writing in the world will not save you if you are a typical 5/10 male on Tinder.

It’s more that not doing those things can be problematic for attractive people who would otherwise get matches.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#447

Post by tasuki »

wonderwonder wrote: post #165
jacobsenscott wrote: post #116

The classic formula for hooking up is time and proximity - throw people together in the same space and wait - people will start hooking up. No app can provide this - they are designed with the exact opposite scenario in mind. This is why people meet in high school (4 years)/college(4 years)/at the office (40 years). With the move to remote work in many places we've cut off the office part - where people had the most…

I agree with this, remove school, college and work and what is left? Not much. Maybe a house of worship if you are religous. Remote work while it provides benefits to people; especially those already in a relationship and with kids, has its costs. Online college is an option now.

> remove school, college and work and what is left? Not much.

What is left? Literally every other social activity one engages in?

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#448

Post by seydor »

akudha wrote: post #129
fxtentacle wrote: post #15

I love how the article compares the unequal distribution of sex partners with the unequal distribution of wealth, because in my opinion that might be part of the cause. I would predict that being able to afford a nice apartment in a good area close to date locations will easily 10x your sex chances. There have been other studies about young men struggling to find jobs that pay well enough for them to become financial…

I happen to catch part of conversation between two young, very good looking female colleagues of mine back when I still used to go to office (same cubicle, sometimes I heard things even though I didn't mean to). They were disappointed that they couldn't get invites to some party where rich wall street type guys were going to, aka "catches" (their words, not mine). The funny thing is, the very same office was filled w…

I think social signaling has more to do with ... society. Wall street rich guys are more popular/more talked about/famous than the rich guys at the office and people want validation, always and everywhere. The vast majority of women are not golddiggers and will be happy with some (good) amount of money (many men will, too), not necessarily the highest. Many women are charmed by influential but poor people

I dont know if you can solve this popularity contest, because 'geek chic' has been tried and failed. But maybe if the guys who are lower in the sexual pecking order stopped worshipping and making the guys at the top even more famous, it would help them.

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#449

Post by zozbot234 »

godelski wrote: post #428
jacobsenscott wrote: post #116

The classic formula for hooking up is time and proximity - throw people together in the same space and wait - people will start hooking up. No app can provide this - they are designed with the exact opposite scenario in mind. This is why people meet in high school (4 years)/college(4 years)/at the office (40 years). With the move to remote work in many places we've cut off the office part - where people had the most…

> /at the office (40 years). With the move to remote work in many places we've cut off the office part There might be another factor here, that office relationships are far more taboo than they used to be. I'm not saying harass your office mates, but if two people click they click. Like you're saying, it isn't that the office is a place "to look" for a partner, but rather that it simply happens because you build emot…

The problem is not what happens when two people click, but what if the relationship goes south. Do you really want that former partner you might hate as your coworker, or your boss? Or your subordinate, whom you're required to treat fairly, as a matter of basic business ethics? How many people would manage to achieve this and be trusted to?

Re: Sexual loneliness: A neglected public health problem?

#450

Post by ahartmetz »

alexose wrote: post #193
notch656c wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Tinder is straight up depressing for the median dude. My mind was blown just how much harder it was to get a date on tinder vs getting a date in real life. I can do the latter pretty easily but trying to get one on tinder would be like months of constant effort to then get ditched before the date even starts. It feels like 90% of women on there are chasing the top 10% of dudes and not settling for anything else.

I think our generation will be remembered for over-optimization more than anything. We keep chasing the best hotel, the best restaurant, the best partner, not realizing that things that give us meaning and happiness are intangible, unique, weird, and usually right in front of us.

I don't know, haven't most people learned by now that all these fine-grained ratings essentially mean either "crap" or "not crap, it depends on your preferences"? In a few cases, "crap but you might like it".
Post reply on HN