The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness • Hacker News Board

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#441

Post by beat » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 8:01 PM UTC

5874-4b22-a4e0 wrote: post #395

empath75 wrote: post #388

Earlier quoted context omitted.

If it makes you feel better, I was still living with my parents at 24 and had never had a girlfriend and I am now happily married with two kids. Some people are late bloomers.

But it sounds like thier son is a f'ng looser. He would've had some sense beaten into him if his parents actually cared.

My dad beat plenty of sense into me. What I learned was to stay the hell away from him and never treat my children the way he treated his.

edit: I haven't spoken to my father in over 20 years, and I probably never will again. What finally turned me to this point was having children of my own. I saw what he really was then, and I was determined that he would never have a part in their lives. They're adults now and are free to contact him if they won't, but they know what I've told them about him, and they choose to keep the separation.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#442

Post by tasty_freeze » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 8:02 PM UTC

WhompingWindows wrote: post #2

I felt loneliness acutely this week. I live alone, spend most evenings alone, and on top, work's coding and research has been slow for 2 weeks. Collaborators are at conferences and on vacation, so I had much less work and much less face-to-face contact than usual. Given that I code on my own, distribute analyses via email, and occasionally meet if people are around, I barely talked to people some days this week. Goin…

You make music? Go to meetup.com or craigslist to find other musicians with similar skill levels and ambitions. I'm in my mid 50s and my kids are off at college and I finally have free time, and no friends.

A couple years ago I bought a used bass and amp (again, craigslist) for cheap, dusted off my old skills, then found some other people on meetup.com who want to play music socially for fun and improvement, but don't have the ambition to actually be in a performing group. It is nice to socialize for couple hours every couple of weeks with new people on a non-programming activity. One of the guys is especially compatible with me, and we've met up a couple of times outside of the band.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#443

Post by sizzle » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 8:02 PM UTC

beat wrote: post #378

My own concerns are different. I'm in my 50s now, happily married for over 25 years, with a terrific social life. I'm not at all lonely or isolated. It's my children that I worry about. They're boy/girl twins, now 25. My daughter is in the process of breaking up with the boyfriend she's lived with for the past two years, and moving back home to re-settle her life. She has a career, and wants to get married and start…

What has your son been doing since turning 18? Did you try to lay out a foundation in teaching him life skills/weaning him off of financial support so he can learn the value of a dollar?

I understand disabilities and disorders can hold adult children back, if that isn't the case I'm curious where things went off the rails, as a soon to be first time dad myself. This stuff worries me, that regardless of all the investment and good parenting in the world, that my kid(s) can fail to thrive.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#444

Post by opportune » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 8:02 PM UTC

beat wrote: post #431

opportune wrote: post #406

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Your daughter is fine but unless your son is disabled / has other potential issues (like autism, severe depression) you need to get him on the right track. No 25 year old should be able to get away with the excuse of being unable to "adult well enough to live on his own". Your son of course has responsibility but that's really your problem to fix if he won't

He's pretty seriously autistic. One thing having twins did for me was push me way over to the nature side of nature vs nurture. They're so different, and always have been. And I don't expect to have more control over their lives than my parents had over mine at that age.

I see, in that case his dependence at this stage in life is understandable. Still I hope he's able to overcome the difficulties being autistic presents and figure things out.

Maybe he would enjoy games like factorio or Shenzhen I/O, those games are pretty fun and are good introductions to learning skills very similar to programming

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#445

Post by eckmlj » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 8:02 PM UTC

bytematic wrote: post #419

vfinn wrote: post #407

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm sorry to say this, but the tone in your voice towards your son sounds more detached than it should in my opinion. I mean, why would you let him slip into that bleak future you're describing for him? Shouldn't you be the one to wake him up, especially if he lives under your roof. I get it if you don't believe in discipline, but I think that's what is required here (or at least fatherly guidance).

If they are mid-twenties they have probably heard it a million different times in a million different ways, what do you do?

Kick him out. Having my parents cut off financial support to me was the kick in the ass I needed to get into shape. Best thing that ever happened to me.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#446

Post by iamnothere » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 8:02 PM UTC

moorhosj wrote: post #248

brianmc21 wrote: post #206

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I feel as though having children will make a lot of people very happy. But there is also a significant part(>1%) of the population that would be miserable. I believe a lot of the unhappiness is often from someone who was pressured into a choice they didn't critically think about or didn't want but caved in. Even if the pool of people is small the experience could be quite negative. Where as all the people who always…

==I took care of my brother and sisters a lot as a child and it made it very clear that I never wanted children.== Being a parent is not the same as taking care of your siblings. Using the experience of one to justify your decisions in another is short-sighted. How many parents have you ever heard say, "I wish I didn't have kids"?

> How many parents have you ever heard say, "I wish I didn't have kids"?

I have heard a number of friends say this, though almost always indirectly. There is a real stigma associated with being unhappy with parenthood, but many people do not seem to enjoy the process.

From my own observations, eventually most parents adjust their own personal "bar" for happiness and more or less accept their lot. I'm sure they get something positive out of it, but it seems to be a tradeoff for other sources of happiness and life satisfaction which usually become unavailable to parents.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#447

Post by aisengard » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 8:02 PM UTC

ronnier wrote: post #416

beat wrote: post #378

My own concerns are different. I'm in my 50s now, happily married for over 25 years, with a terrific social life. I'm not at all lonely or isolated. It's my children that I worry about. They're boy/girl twins, now 25. My daughter is in the process of breaking up with the boyfriend she's lived with for the past two years, and moving back home to re-settle her life. She has a career, and wants to get married and start…

Your daughter will be ok. She can go anywhere and immediately find social groups and have no issues finding dates — if she gets online she can literally have hundreds or thousands of men ready to take her out. It’s completely opposite for most men — isolated and hard to find social circles.

This is insane. I used to think this way in high school - "wow, girls have it so easy, every man wants sex and if girls want sex they just have to raise their hand, it's so hard for men!"

Then I lived in the real world and realized that, well, people don't actually want to have sex with anything that moves, and it's a gift to be a man who doesn't get dozens of sexual advances per day, and doesn't have to worry about what literally every person's intentions are.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#448

Post by [deleted] » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 8:03 PM UTC

bytematic wrote: post #419

vfinn wrote: post #407

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm sorry to say this, but the tone in your voice towards your son sounds more detached than it should in my opinion. I mean, why would you let him slip into that bleak future you're describing for him? Shouldn't you be the one to wake him up, especially if he lives under your roof. I get it if you don't believe in discipline, but I think that's what is required here (or at least fatherly guidance).

If they are mid-twenties they have probably heard it a million different times in a million different ways, what do you do?

[deleted]

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#449

Post by rewgs » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 8:03 PM UTC

roymurdock wrote: post #260

residentfoam wrote: post #106

I have been lucky enough to be able to work and live in several countries around the world. One thing in common I noticed in all these places is that guys and girls don't have time and don't want to commit to a stable long relation. They invest pretty much themselves and their time in their career, traveling , parties, dogs, cats and bitcoins :) ! The mantra is to get rich and retire at 40 years old! Travel the world…

i'm 26 and have traveled a fair bit and lived/worked in the US and UK young people go to the cities for high status, high paying jobs to pay off student loans and/or save up for the future in an increasingly uncertain world competition is extremely high for these jobs, compounded 1000x due to the rise and use of social media among my generation, which always suggests that next thing to buy or that next vacation to go…

28 here, and I agree completely. Nice point about the people who try to figure the job thing out while taking the more “traditional” path — I feel like that’s a sizable part of our generation that’s usually ignored.

Also, yeah, I don’t get the memes that my high school niece sends me at all. Their sense of humor is completely foreign to me.

Re: The decline of the family has unleashed an epidemic of loneliness

#450

Post by buildzr » Thu, Jun 06, 2019, 8:03 PM UTC

bytematic wrote: post #419

vfinn wrote: post #407

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I'm sorry to say this, but the tone in your voice towards your son sounds more detached than it should in my opinion. I mean, why would you let him slip into that bleak future you're describing for him? Shouldn't you be the one to wake him up, especially if he lives under your roof. I get it if you don't believe in discipline, but I think that's what is required here (or at least fatherly guidance).

If they are mid-twenties they have probably heard it a million different times in a million different ways, what do you do?

I know people like this - what's the solution? Do you just cut them loose and make them figure it out?