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Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

improveyoursocialskills.com

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Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#421

Post by edmundsauto »

_8j50 wrote: post #202
wallflower wrote: post #53

While some of you may make light of the fact that I am giving you advice, my single most important piece of advice to people who are highly analytical and/or always solving problems is to not give unsolicited advice to friends, family, acquaintances, or even strangers. People will ask for advice if they really want it. People are not “broken pieces of code” begging to be fixed. I’ve lost friends over this, until one…

Not only that,but people take offense at factual analysis. If I present a fact and reasoning on why I consider it a fact, regardless of how unpleasant it might be I expect people to not take it personally and either contest my reasoning or accept/ignore what I said. However, being correct does not mean I shouldn't be sensitive to my audience. For example, if someone is a flat earther and I tell them why I think they…

I recently read a book called Mindful Communication that uses a red/yellow/green light model for understanding the state of mind of the other person. In a discussion, there's a relationship; relationships are not fact-based, or in a vacuum. You have to take the immediate context as an input as well, to understand how receptive the other person is.

Or not. However, if the concern is to state facts, then it's not really a communication because it ignores the reception and betrays the actual intention of the fact-stater.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#422

Post by StuffedParrot »

magashna wrote: post #405
StuffedParrot wrote: post #392

Earlier quoted context omitted.

No... nothing on google either. Edit: https://www.theguardian.com/science/2014/nov/14/rosetta-come... He wasn’t even fired. What is there to complain about? Cancel culture is a myth.

The guy was brought to tears for wearing a shirt his female friend made. Just because a company doesn't fire someone (and rightfully so) doesn't mean there aren't pitchfork waving mobs screaming for the head of some comedian/artist/random guy. A great example of satirizing the movement would be 30 Rock's "Idiots are people two!" Edit: also that you dismissed it, even though googling my comment verbatim would've given…

He wore it in public and as a representative of a state agency. The fact that a woman made it doesn’t impact anything; he had a complete lack of sensitivity, and he apologized, and he didn’t get fired. What is there to discuss?

FWIW I preserved my original comment in good faith. I don’t appreciate your not recognizing my edits.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#423

Post by cmbailey »

manuel_w wrote: post #389
wallflower wrote: post #53

While some of you may make light of the fact that I am giving you advice, my single most important piece of advice to people who are highly analytical and/or always solving problems is to not give unsolicited advice to friends, family, acquaintances, or even strangers. People will ask for advice if they really want it. People are not “broken pieces of code” begging to be fixed. I’ve lost friends over this, until one…

Yes. "Ein ungefragter Rat ist ein Schlag." Unfortunately, in english, it doesn't rhyme that nicely: "An undemanded advice is a punch." (I seriously doubt that "undemanded" is the best translation for "ungefragt", but you get the idea.) When feel like people would benefit from advice to the extent that not giving it would be unfriendly/selfish/whatever itself, I try to follow following guidelines: * Refraining from us…

advice unrequested is like a punch

...conveys the meaning of the German words best to me. It's funny how meaning of words in one language doesn't map cleanly to another.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#424

Post by ljm »

jimmaswell wrote: post #281
ljm wrote: post #180

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’m a coach in training and question number 3 there is a powerful question. That’s a really great question to ask because you’re not getting involved in the topic, you’re not giving them ideas, and you’re not working through it for them. The others are too nuanced to easily explain, but “what are you going to do with that,” is a fucking fantastic question when a friend confides in you. You’re right that this requires…

"My car's been having trouble" "I know a good mechanic" "Oh my god how dare you take my agency away from me, I'm never talking to you again" Good riddance if that's how somebody in my life ever reacted in that situation.

Do you need a coach to fix your car? Almost certainly no.

If you’re trying to be absurd or sarcastic then I think you need someone like me to help you with that, and I won’t.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#425

Post by ljm »

hawaiianbrah wrote: post #325
ljm wrote: post #180

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I’m a coach in training and question number 3 there is a powerful question. That’s a really great question to ask because you’re not getting involved in the topic, you’re not giving them ideas, and you’re not working through it for them. The others are too nuanced to easily explain, but “what are you going to do with that,” is a fucking fantastic question when a friend confides in you. You’re right that this requires…

What are you a coach in training for?

I think I want to do life coaching but more often than not I work with relationships. Relationships are a strong part of life.

I’m a programmer but I don’t enjoy writing code. I enjoy helping people with themselves.

So I strongly advocate for anyone who wants a way in and I choos to use my coaching skills to be a cheerleader for new and existing talent.

But to answer your question, I’m a coach in training for coaching.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#426

Post by ljm »

olyjohn wrote: post #316
jimmaswell wrote: post #294

Earlier quoted context omitted.

You can make a scenario where anything is rude. Here, if he said something and you said "could it be the fuel pump" that should also be an inoffensive comment, not prompt him feeling like "how dare this fool presume to lecture me about the inner machinations of an automobile; let this mark the end of our friendship"

I dunno man, I think this is more for situations where people are having personal or emotional issues. Things that they might be trying to work through. Not for troubleshooting a broken car or computer.

Zen and the art of motorcycle maintenance explores exactly this beautifully.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#427

Post by leetcrew »

mcguire wrote: post #295
SkyBelow wrote: post #121

Earlier quoted context omitted.

How? Most people don't want to talk code. Thus, given a demographic breakdown that relates neither positively nor negatively with talking code, one can assume the general pattern applies. Most old people don't want to talk code. Most young people don't want to talk code. Most left handed people don't want to talk code. None of these are discriminating. They are stating that a pattern true of the general population al…

Why did the original comment specifically mention "most young women" rather than "most people"?

You can find your answer earlier in the same sentence:

> Finding intimate relationships becomes particularly difficult when you can't achieve the inspiration since most young women aren't exactly excited to talk about code, or tech, or any of the things HN types tend to dedicate our lives to.

they are talking about their personal dating life (or lack thereof).

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#428

Post by dennisgorelik »

wallflower wrote: post #53

While some of you may make light of the fact that I am giving you advice, my single most important piece of advice to people who are highly analytical and/or always solving problems is to not give unsolicited advice to friends, family, acquaintances, or even strangers. People will ask for advice if they really want it. People are not “broken pieces of code” begging to be fixed. I’ve lost friends over this, until one…

The most important reason why I give unsolicited advice -- is to get feedback on my own advice (what mistakes does my advice contain?)

If a person does not want to discuss my advice - they cannot give me feedback about my advice.

If I cannot get that feedback - why do I need that person in my life in the first place?

So when I give unsolicited advice -- I implicitly encourage people I do not need in my life - to disconnect from me. That frees my attention to people who are good with using advise as a tool for improvement.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#429

Post by myzreal »

I was recently diagnosed to be on the highly-functional of "the spectrum" so I think this link will be quite valuable, thanks for sharing! Now, if only I could find something to learn to read emotions from human faces somehow, cause apparently I can't do that very well.

Re: Basic Social Skills Guide (2012)

#430

Post by hydrox24 »

greggman2 wrote: post #341
hydrox24 wrote: post #324

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Even the simple act of two people wanting to go through the same door at the same time is an impossible conundrum. I believe that the optimal solution to this problem is to offer, and then if there is a counter-offer, take it. If the other person is offended then they have followed the letter of the social law but do not understand it in their hearts. In addition, it is often polite to take what is offered to you.

it's not just polite to accept offers. It allows the other person to feel good for the act of giving.

That's absolutely true. But I think it's worth noting just how often polite acts are specifically for making others feel good. The two things are meant to be fundamentally linked.
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