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I’ve been single all my life

lukasrosenstock.net

41–50 of 443 posts

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#41

> The obvious course of action when you are unsure about something is experimentation. However, a relationship isn’t an activity (like a job, hobby, or sport) to try and quit when you don’t like it. It requires two people, and you must find a second person willing to try. Finding someone is hard, though. This brings me back to what I said a few paragraphs ago; I don’t see myself ready to invest much in something I’m…

Even if you take the "starting a relationship" path (e.g. online dating to meet people) you really shouldn't be afraid of breaking someone else's heart.

Assuming you don't break someone's heart by betraying them or some other awful action, taking responsibility for a broken heart is putting way too much responsibility on yourself, and not respecting other people's agency.

It's also going to probably sabotage your attempts to learn-by-experimentation in relationships. Most likely the person on the other side of the relationship isn't going to know where it's going from day 1, it could be love, it could be something less but still fun, it could just be one or two dates. None of those are necessarily bad outcomes, but if you're weighing yourself down with all that pressure, you're going to make it harder for yourself to be open and honest and have fun.

You have some catching up to do - others may have learned some basic relationship skills in school, say, where the stakes were obviously lower and few people were getting married or anything anyway - but IME step one on getting that practice in is to take away that pressure and take it easy. One good thing to help with that, I think, is not to be too picky - if you haven't dated much, you probably don't know what your "perfect match" is like, so go out there and find out, versus waiting for one person who you build up so much in your mind you sabotage yourself with the anxiety of screwing it up.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#42
post #19

I guess I've been a "volcel" for almost 4 years now after an almost 20 year relationship. I have pretty mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, I get lonely, intensely lonely at times. And I miss the companionship I had (before it got awful.) On the other hand, I have so much time now to just focus on myself and my kids and my career and hobbies and my mental well being. I've increased my income a lot in the last y…

Working on yourself will lead you where you want to go. Wishing you health, happiness and peace, and the same for anybody else reading this.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#43

As an unhappy single with two past relationships, lots of experience in many crazy things including most drugs, let me tell you that times where you truly love someone while knowing they truly love you back, in other words true mutual love, are probably the most beautiful times in the world one can experience: Holding someone in your arms wishing you‘d die right then and there because you know you have peaked in non-…

If you don't mind me asking, how did you search actively? Why didn't it work out?

I've also searched actively. It didn't work out in my case as well. Relationships are hard.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#44
First off, bravo for sharing. Much respect.

That said, this is borderline navel gazing. Stop thinking about "what it's like to go swimming" and jump in the lake. Yes, you'll get wet, look stupid, and make a mess. There's no way around that. The sooner the better.

If you need to reason yourself into the water, I recommend "The Village Effect." Statistically, humans fair better with a rich tapestry of relationships. Are you ready to bet your life on being the exception? Move over, Pascal.

More pointedly, can you really say you've examined life and lived it fully if you've never shared it intimately with another person? Can someone say they understand the world if they've never left their home? Do you want to be that person?

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#45
Great post. And brave.

One thing I believe strongly now, (although I did not always), is that we all very much have the right to be our most charming selves, and ask out people that catch our interest, but then gently let them down gently at any time after 1, 2, or even 10 dates, with no reason needed to be given for why you are breaking up. And if the other person sends the signal of "you are so unkind, for making me like you so much/love you, and then leaving me", you can reject that message; it's not fair or valid.

I hear you when you say you don't want to break anybody's heart. But you have the right to. And sometimes we do it, even though we don't mean to. And sometimes it is the right thing to do.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#46

I felt like I had to say this FYI This guy isn't ugly, actually average looking 30yr old white guy, isn't short, is socially active. I honestly have no idea why this guy is still a virgin, im pretty sure he could find someone on a dating app if he got in shape.

Anecdotal, but dating apps have to be the worst way to meet someone. Everybody I ever met through them has major problems and that's why they have to meet people through an app dedicated to meeting people for relationships. It's such an unnatural and strange concept.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#47
post #30
post #14

Bella DePaulo is probably the leading scholar on the social prejudice and discrimination on single individuals. The fact that the author of the article introduces the term "incel" to deal with this extremely negative stereotype in the second paragraph highlights this prejudice. If you're interested in learning more about the ways single individuals are treated unfairly in society, Dr. DePaulo has many articles and bo…

Any chance you could summarize the prejudice single people experience? I believe you, but it coul save hundreds of people from googling it individually.

I am many years behind the literature/research and do not personally feel qualified to write a short summary on this specific academic's work.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#48

I felt like I had to say this FYI This guy isn't ugly, actually average looking 30yr old white guy, isn't short, is socially active. I honestly have no idea why this guy is still a virgin, im pretty sure he could find someone on a dating app if he got in shape.

Could also be a consequence of just not having much desire to "mate". It's not unheard of for people to not want to "mate"; there's a reason why asexual is a term that people use to describe themselves.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#49
I am recently divorced and I don't see myself ever in another relationship. I would consider a partner where we live in different homes and don't share any expenses or responsibilities but I doubt any woman would accept that as a permanent arrangement.

Re: I’ve been single all my life

#50
post #19

I guess I've been a "volcel" for almost 4 years now after an almost 20 year relationship. I have pretty mixed feelings about it. On the one hand, I get lonely, intensely lonely at times. And I miss the companionship I had (before it got awful.) On the other hand, I have so much time now to just focus on myself and my kids and my career and hobbies and my mental well being. I've increased my income a lot in the last y…

Working on yourself will lead you where you want to go. Wishing you health, happiness and peace, and the same for anybody else reading this.

"Working on yourself will lead you where you want to go" sorry, but this is one of the worst lies ever.
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