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The Science of Making Friends

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Re: The Science of Making Friends

#41

Post by nlh »

For all the negative things folks have been saying on here about SF (expensive, etc.) there's a huge positive that overshadows all of it for me:

I've made more new friends in the last 3 years since I moved to SF than, I'd honestly say, my previous decade living in NYC. I'm 37 now and feel like I have more of a community than in college.

I think the key to finding real friends and friendships is to be in a place where you're going to be surrounded by the kind of people you WANT to be friends with. It doesn't involve over-thinking or forcing it: I'm a 30-something dude who loves tech and being outside. There are a LOT of people like that in SF. I figured that out within a week of visiting 3 years ago, so I moved here.

Say what you will about monoculture, but it sure made it easy and fun to find a community of people I liked (and vice versa).

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#43

Post by oolongCat »

cubano wrote: post #27
oolongCat wrote: post #24

>A study published in February in the British Journal of Psychology looked at 15,000 respondents and found that people who had more social interactions with close friends reported being happier—unless they were highly intelligent. People with higher I.Q.s were less content when they spent more time with friends. Psychologists theorize that these folks keep themselves intellectually stimulated without a lot of social…

This TED talk https://www.ted.com/talks/robert_waldinger_what_makes_a_good... makes the same point and used data from an 75y study.

This is incredible, thanks very much for sharing this. I really needed this.

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#44

Post by JamilD »

zafka wrote: post #7
hodwik wrote: post #4

> "People with higher I.Q.s were less content when they spent more time with friends. Psychologists theorize that these folks keep themselves intellectually stimulated without a lot of social interaction, and often have a long-term goal they are pursuing." Therein lies the rub. Having friends makes you happier, as long as your friends are intellectually stimulating. I've been trying desperately for years to make some…

To start with, Put contact info in your hacker news profile. Then when you say interesting things, folks who are a bit more shy can contact you directly. Also reach out to those who interest you. Who knows, some of these brilliant generalists might have time to chat.

I found that going to talks and events to meet people can be extremely effective. I love living near a university, for example, to go to public colloquia and talks — you meet the most interesting people there, who often share the same interests as you. Going to a Papers We Love talk [0] can be a great opportunity as well.

Of course, this is really only available to people who live in a large metropolis, particularily if you live in the Bay Area (if you're interested in science and technology in particular).

[0] http://paperswelove.org

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#45

Post by BatFastard »

zappo2938 wrote: post #37

I worked on a boat in the middle of the ocean for many years. I've been grounded for the last few years and tried to make friends. The experiment has been a massive waste of time and energy. I did so much for so many people trying to be nice and helpful and got so little in return. From an economic point of view, I'm completely self reliant and don't need anything from anyone else. I invested so much in other people…

I have found that "giving" with the expectation of getting something in return is just wrong headed. Give because you want to give. Of course you have to be careful of the takers. Friend of mine for many years was moving, he called me and asked me to help. I said "Roy, you are worth 10 million bucks, go pay someone to help you!" and he did. There are endless supplies of good people in the world. But it takes effort, and sometimes you are rejected. Live with it and move on.

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#46

Post by BatFastard »

pmarreck wrote: post #20
hodwik wrote: post #4

> "People with higher I.Q.s were less content when they spent more time with friends. Psychologists theorize that these folks keep themselves intellectually stimulated without a lot of social interaction, and often have a long-term goal they are pursuing." Therein lies the rub. Having friends makes you happier, as long as your friends are intellectually stimulating. I've been trying desperately for years to make some…

Always looking for interesting intelligent people, check my profile out and see if you think I might be interesting

You have inspired me to fill in more profile information.

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#47

Post by tgb »

baron816 wrote: post #29
Xcelerate wrote: post #21

I know people keep trying (unsuccessfully) to make startups that help you "find friends", but it would be nice if one of these actually took off. I currently live in an area where I find it somewhat difficult to make new friends, and I'm not entirely sure why that's the case. Generally speaking, the people where I live are more interested in football/beer than technology/startups, but I actually don't think that is t…

I think/hope my start up, Krewe ( https://www.gokrewe.com ), has found the right formula. I believe the key elements are access and comfort. Krewe places people into a group with five of their peers, making it comfortable to hang out at first. You don't have to single anyone out, it works kind of how things worked in your youth. And everyone lives within a half mile radius, so it's really convenient to meet up often.…

Good idea. I signed up for fun. No one else in my group yet though. Too bad the network effect is so hard to overcome.

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#48

Post by stegosaurus »

stegosaurus wrote: post #40

WRT the decline with age, I've always felt like a lot of it is 'ego based', for lack of better terms. I've found that as time goes on, people are far more concerned with doing things by the book, projecting an image, etc. rather than just 'being', enjoying life in the moment, doing things just because. I've certainly been guilty of this to some extent because it seems impossible to avoid. Personal anecdote: At age 16…

Christ, in some ways, this thread makes me want to just like, teleport some people from HN into the local park with some beers.

I think we'd have a great time. No vi vs emacs, mind.

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#49

Post by DanBC »

stegosaurus wrote: post #48
stegosaurus wrote: post #40

WRT the decline with age, I've always felt like a lot of it is 'ego based', for lack of better terms. I've found that as time goes on, people are far more concerned with doing things by the book, projecting an image, etc. rather than just 'being', enjoying life in the moment, doing things just because. I've certainly been guilty of this to some extent because it seems impossible to avoid. Personal anecdote: At age 16…

Christ, in some ways, this thread makes me want to just like, teleport some people from HN into the local park with some beers. I think we'd have a great time. No vi vs emacs, mind.

> eleport some people from HN into the local park with some beers.

Park runs are fun (for various values of fun) and probably a good way to meet people.

Re: The Science of Making Friends

#50

Post by baron816 »

tgb wrote: post #47
baron816 wrote: post #29

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I think/hope my start up, Krewe ( https://www.gokrewe.com ), has found the right formula. I believe the key elements are access and comfort. Krewe places people into a group with five of their peers, making it comfortable to hang out at first. You don't have to single anyone out, it works kind of how things worked in your youth. And everyone lives within a half mile radius, so it's really convenient to meet up often.…

Good idea. I signed up for fun. No one else in my group yet though. Too bad the network effect is so hard to overcome.

Yep. It's still very new.
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