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I rebooted my social life

takes.jamesomalley.co.uk

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Re: I rebooted my social life

#371

Post by alexpotato »

brightball wrote: post #183
alexpotato wrote: post #10

Back in 2019, got to go to Hong Kong for a couple months for work and got to bring my family. I was about to turn 40 and realized that the place we were staying had a rock wall. In a somewhat "mid life crisis" spur of the moment decision, I decided to go buy shoes, a belt and a chalk bag (I did a lot of indoor rock climbing in college). We get there and the rock wall is a. closed and b. only for kids. Get back to the…

I think people often underestimate how, for dad's in particular, there's a massive need for this. Prior to Covid, I'd started a Wednesday "Dad's Night" where we just got together from 9-10 in my backyard to hang out and have a beer. Eventually we'd move to random local pubs and often it would go to 11pm. It grew with consistency as people would invite other folks. Had one of the assistant basketball coaches from Clem…

> I think people often underestimate how, for dad's in particular, there's a massive need for this.

One of the things that really drove it home for me was going on r/daddit and seeing post after post of dads with young kids talking about how lonely they are.

In the scenario of the "working dad, stay at home mom" + elementary age kids, it's REALLY tough b/c moms can socialize during school hours whereas the dad is only available from 5-6pm onwards which coincides with dinner/bed time.

Some tips for the above:

- Have regularly scheduled "hang out with friends night". Lot easier to manage than "hey, can I hang out with my buddy tonight?"

- Do "swaps" e.g. where after kids are in bed, dad A hangs out with dad B at house B, wife B hangs out with wife A at house A (so you don't need to get a babysitter)

Re: I rebooted my social life

#372

Post by hypeatei »

NoImmatureAdHom wrote: post #206
hypeatei wrote: post #197

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> Democrats ran a long and successful campaign to crush anti-woke dissent, for instance. Broke lots of laws (and still do!) Citation/elaboration needed. Same goes for the Title IX comment. How did Biden "compel speech" on campuses? > and they wielded power to make sure the same was true in many non-gov institutions Again, cancel culture, no matter how aggressive, is not the same as using the monopoly on violence to g…

I appreciate you engaging. 1) https://speechfirst.org/case/title-ix/ is the third ddg result for title ix compelled speech. Basically, the feds under Biden were going to compel use of people's preferred pronouns. Ideally it would have failed in court. Elaboration: For a very long time, in many states and parts of the federal government, there has been overt discrimination on the basis of race, sex, disability status,…

> were going to compel use of people's preferred pronouns

This is the exact mindset I mentioned above where Democrats are judged based on what they might've done or might happen, while Trump has clearly done things that go against our basic rights yet they're being shined in the same light. To be clear: I'm not saying we shouldn't criticize policy proposals.

> "A huge conspiracy to overtly break the law" is what DEI was and still sadly largely is.

DEI is a very wide tent, and the intentions of it are to widen the hiring pools to consider more people. If there are specific programs breaking the law, then those can be discussed specifically. Right wingers are typically for meritocracy (which has been shown to be a red herring with this loyalist admin, but w/e) and in theory they'd actually support a wider pool of people being considered.

Academia can be quite left leaning, so training about white supremacy or woke shit there is certainly over the top, but I have a problem with the broad brushes you're applying to something that has a lot more nuance. If this lawlessness was as pervasive as you make it seem in every sector, wouldn't we have seen a major loss in court already that requires these programs to be axed across the board?

Re: I rebooted my social life

#373

Post by kwar13 »

> For example, the reason small towns can feel so oppressive is because they are surveillance panopticons. Everyone knows each other, so the range of acceptable behaviour is inevitably mediated by social pressure. If you break the invisible rules of the group, you risk losing status, being shunned by everyone in your life – or potentially even worse.

words worth remembering

Re: I rebooted my social life

#374

Post by ctenb »

levocardia wrote: post #292
fleeting900 wrote: post #230

> a significant proportion of the people you used to hang out with have kids and disappear off the face of the Earth for two decades. I’ve been on both sides of this, so I’m going to put this out into the universe: Your friends with kids still want to see you. They have a lot to deal with suddenly. They’re exhausted. But they miss hanging out with you, and will leap at the opportunity to hang out if you take the init…

Part of it is the uncomfortable fact that it is not very much fun to spend time with people who have small children -- it's hard to have a real conversation for more than a few minutes, and if you yourself don't have kids, what their life revolves around right now (daycare, finding a kindergarten, etc) is just not going to be very interesting.

I agree to some extent, but in my experience it differs a lot between kids how doable having a conversation is

Re: I rebooted my social life

#375

Post by kwar13 »

morganf wrote: post #57

I did almost the identical project the OP did, for the same reasons, in the same style. Reading that article could have been (with 10% of details tweaked) about my experience. The biggest difference in how the author approached and how I did: he did it monthly; I did it weekly . I found that made a HUGE difference in building community. If it's once a month, and people come on average 50% of the time, then you'll see…

So you're gonna have a hard time believing this, but I just opened the link sitting in a cafe in Buenos Aires, and the girl in your second picture was apparently sitting just behind me. She came and was shocked how I opened her picture on my computer from so long ago. Wow. Small world.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#376

Post by morganf »

kwar13 wrote: post #375
morganf wrote: post #57

I did almost the identical project the OP did, for the same reasons, in the same style. Reading that article could have been (with 10% of details tweaked) about my experience. The biggest difference in how the author approached and how I did: he did it monthly; I did it weekly . I found that made a HUGE difference in building community. If it's once a month, and people come on average 50% of the time, then you'll see…

So you're gonna have a hard time believing this, but I just opened the link sitting in a cafe in Buenos Aires, and the girl in your second picture was apparently sitting just behind me. She came and was shocked how I opened her picture on my computer from so long ago. Wow. Small world.

Actually that girl just messaged me, and a group of common friends, a moment ago to tell me she was sitting in a cafe in Palermo a moment ago and saw someone looking at a web page with a photo of her from almost 20 years ago and she got really confused and went over to talk to him! (She's also a PhD and an example of the super intellectual girls that were the mainstay of our weekly gatherings!). Really funny!!!

Re: I rebooted my social life

#377

Post by yesfitz »

legerdemain wrote: post #279
yesfitz wrote: post #213

Earlier quoted context omitted.

From my experience, here's the general lowest-effort way to find community: Make a list of public places that you like (bars, coffee shops, game shops, etc.) and go to them at the same time on the same day every week. You'll shortly start seeing the same people regularly, even if it's just the staff. Then you can greet those people, introduce yourself, and talk with them. By asking questions about their day, their pl…

This has absolutely never worked for me in cafes, not in decades of trying across multiple states. Cafe regulars either bring their own company or "laptops open, headphones on, heads down." Amusingly, the rec league pinball people are absolutely ferocious about promotion. Pretty much every thread in r/bayarea about looking for friends gets a pitch from a pinball person.

Coffee shops are definitely tougher than bars. I've made friends with baristas in one of three ways: The shop wasn't busy and they had time to chat (these shops don't usually last long), I recognize them outside of the coffee shop and get to say hello, or I worked at the coffee shop with them.

I wonder if Yemeni cafes would be a bit more bar-like in terms of socializing. They're usually open until midnight or later, but I think it'll be a while before they come to where I am in Iowa.

As for the pinball evangelism: I think it's because pinball is a great shortcut for making friends for introverts. The level of structure, competition, socialization, and just about everything else about it can be dialed in to each individual's liking.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#378

Post by iamnothere »

gilrain wrote: post #353
iamnothere wrote: post #121

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The US. I think the increased political polarization has changed things somewhat, as well as the aging of my peer demographic. People tend to become more close-minded and fixed in their beliefs as they age, so if you’re a freethinker who enjoys thought experiments and challenging norms then it’s difficult to find others who are similar. Even many so-called “freethinkers” merely regurgitate common talking points and c…

> adopt abhorrent positions as a way to understand the truth That sounds very unpleasant to be around.

To each their own. I find it highly entertaining and occasionally enlightening.

Re: I rebooted my social life

#379

Post by wtcactus »

> Perhaps, though, you can’t really see the problem? You might even be reading what I’ve written so far with envy. After all, I’ve lucked my way into an extremely pleasant life of no dependents and few commitments

Quite the contrary. I actually think this is really bleak. What an empty existence…

Re: I rebooted my social life

#380

Post by brainzap »

mynameisash wrote: post #203
alexpotato wrote: post #10

Back in 2019, got to go to Hong Kong for a couple months for work and got to bring my family. I was about to turn 40 and realized that the place we were staying had a rock wall. In a somewhat "mid life crisis" spur of the moment decision, I decided to go buy shoes, a belt and a chalk bag (I did a lot of indoor rock climbing in college). We get there and the rock wall is a. closed and b. only for kids. Get back to the…

Two years ago, my son was REALLY struggling with his depression. Having tried almost everything, at the suggestion of his therapist, he tried cold showers. To show some solidarity, I decided we should do cold plunges into the ocean together. A guy that I was starting to become friendly with humored us and came with. Two years later, that guy and I are best friends, and we cold plunge every Saturday together. Just did…

friendships are strengthed by shared hard and painful experiences. online friendships just don't feel the same
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