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Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

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Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#371

Post by shetill »

alzaeem wrote: post #253

Best of luck to OP, and there are some solid suggestions in this thread! Just wanted to add that the wholesale adoption and normalization of WFH and remote culture in tech is worrying and will only make this type of issue worse and more common. Personally, I had consistently been able to make good friendships at work across several positions at different companies/cities/countries. That's until WFH and remote work hi…

Going office doesn't guarantee you will meet friend worthy people, if there aren't any. Where I work it's mostly older people in their 40's and 50s as someone in my late 20s there's 0 chance I'll make or want to make friends with them. We have nothing in common.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#373

Post by syntheweave »

abdabab wrote: post #349
selimthegrim wrote: post #300

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I fled to New Orleans from Portland after two and a half years of that shit and never looked back.

From a visitor’s perspective Portland seems cool and hip. What actually goes wrong when you live there?

While I haven't lived in Portland, when I visited in 2019 I was like, this is a larger Santa Cruz. And I have lived in Santa Cruz so I can make some extrapolations:

* Stifling lack of local prospects; in SC, the majority of jobs were "over the hill" (SJ/SV) making it a bedroom community. Portland has a little more going on for itself but it doesn't have the strong jobs pull of a city like Austin, which Portland has often been compared to in the past.

* Isolated city. If you leave Portland you reach rural farmland relatively quickly compared to larger US metros, which have a cluster of coties SC as noted has some distance to the city, but also proximity to farms east around Watsonville. SC being a college town with a major university contributes to the difference, bringing in a wider young demographic. In both cases this contrast and close proximity enables a dynamic of "city vs country", which exploded in Portland in 2020's protests with aggressive displays and a fatal shooting.

* Ethno-nationalist legacy: Portland was designed to be whites-first and only reversed on that relatively recently. California harbors some of these sentiments, but mostly not as strongly. It adds a layer to the culture that, while not always blatancy obvious, makes it feel more insular.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#374

Post by abridgett »

Things that helped me:

- small steps

- accept failures, don't let them stop you. My first "solo-traveller" holiday was a disaster, but the next four were great

- be open (i.e. say "yes" to things even if you don't really feel like it - being with people is IMO well worth it)

- life throws spanners in the works - but also golden opportunities

- help others. I enjoy baking and cooking, I might meet friends and bring some home-made treats along. Or offer to help them in DIY.

- be pro-active. e.g. ask if anyone fancies a walk/visit to a local attraction. Arrange a trip somewhere. Your circles may start small (e.g. with work colleagues) however make them interesting and it can grow.

- meetup.com has been helpful, however do something you'd enjoy _anyway_ - if you meet someone (friends or romantically) that's a bonus

This isn't a panacea, I'm personally struggling. However when I look at the good things I _do_ have, this is how I have them.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#375

Post by tim333 »

Random idea but:

Leave and set up your own business/startup doing dev work similar to what you do now, ideally serving customers you are familiar with.

Hire some young people, trainee dev, secretary etc.

Better social and a career move forward. Even if you take a pay cut you are going from dev to more a ceo type thing on the cv.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#376

Post by Hnrobert42 »

dominotw wrote: post #72
Hnrobert42 wrote: post #48

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Ha. Yeah. At 35, I was in OP’s frame of mind. I pulled the ripcord. I sold my modest house. Quit my job. Started traveling. I had one friend in VN who left two weeks after I arrived. Through online dating apps and running clubs, I met a ton of new friends and lived in several countries. It wasn’t all roses. There were so really lonely times, but I went through that in the States, too. Basically, if you are lucky enou…

yea I am doing that right now, Loneliness is no joke. Most important thing i struggle with is maintaining postive mindset and not go into a negative spiral.

I hope you are doing alright. Everyone is different, but for me, finding a steady girlfriend and full time work resolved my most accuse depression. All the “freedom” was exciting, but it came at a cost.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#377

Post by tim333 »

tenonyx wrote: post #13
throwawaynay wrote: post #2

"they're all full of lonely developers and other socially awkward people - short guys looking for girlfriends, unattractive/aging women looking for husbands, etc." So...people like you? you sound really judgemental man. Since you have no friends(so nothing to hold you where you are, right?), and apparently a good source of income, I'd advise you to go remote, travel, try digital nomadism, go to meetups, meet other tr…

> So...people like you? you sound really judgemental man. I know it sounds bad, but I don't want to meet people like me. I really don't like myself right now :) I'm looking for a way out from this state, not a way to settle in. It's like you can't treat depression by hanging out with other depressed people, it'll make you worse. > Since you have no friends(so nothing to hold you where you are, right?), and apparently…

Digital nomads are I've met are only about 5% devs in my experience. A lot of would be digital influencers and marketers. I rather liked Canggu Bali pre pandemic though I think it's still mostly closed at the moment. Pretty people/buildings/scenery. Maybe a bit shallow.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#378

Post by tim333 »

abdabab wrote: post #349
selimthegrim wrote: post #300

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I fled to New Orleans from Portland after two and a half years of that shit and never looked back.

From a visitor’s perspective Portland seems cool and hip. What actually goes wrong when you live there?

I stayed there a bit and there isn't so much of a single people meeting up type thing. A lot of people stay home, go shopping go home. There was much more of an events happening meet people vibe in NYC.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#379

Post by tim333 »

mdoms wrote: post #200
ip26 wrote: post #176

Earlier quoted context omitted.

The more non-nerdy, the more likely you are to find non-nerdy people I'd also add the more "regular", the more likely you are to find regular people. The stereotypical events & hobbies recommended for meeting people can unsurprisingly wind up chock-full of outcast-sorts who are also looking to meet people. If you want to find a real group, and a variety of ordinary folks, you want to expressly avoid all the sort of t…

Yeah I often see people recommend board game groups for people like OP which is shocking to me. Take a look at the people attending these events. They're not what OP is looking for. Look for normies hobbies.

As a middle aged dev type who prefers pretty girls to middle aged dev types, film / acting events are kinda fun. You can even do an acting class and be an unemployed actor on the side like the rest of them.

Re: Ask HN: At a peak of my dev career, I hate my life

#380

Post by tim333 »

bawolff wrote: post #121
ekianjo wrote: post #51

Earlier quoted context omitted.

you dont give a depression diagnostic based on comments on the internet. and asking oneself questions about their future is not a sign of illness, its what conscious beings usually do.

I don't know about depression. However, OP seems unhappy with their current life and is unsure how to fix it. Therapy often can help with that - its not just for depressed people.

Sometimes people are a bit depressed because their life situation is a bit depressing. It can be better to fix the situation.
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