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A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

jakobgreenfeld.com

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Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#361

Post by kiutroap »

dorkwood wrote: post #352
notreallyserio wrote: post #211

The biggest reason I don't maintain contact with people from my past is I was a much worse person in my past and I'm either embarrassed about my behavior or concerned that my shittiness is what led to our relationship in the first place. In any case, I find it's easier (and emotionally satisfying) to stay in touch with a couple people that I can have natural, unforced conversations with. Scheduling interactions on a…

> The biggest reason I don't maintain contact with people from my past is I was a much worse person in my past and I'm either embarrassed about my behavior or concerned that my shittiness is what led to our relationship in the first place. I feel the same. In fact, I intentionally avoid interacting with people from my past since they may have bad memories involving me that I'd be resurfacing by contacting them. I've…

I do the same, but it often makes me worried about what kind of person I am. I don't really have too much to apologize about - at least that I know of. But for some reason, I tend to grow apart from people who know my past or who simply know too much about me. Not every single one of them, but apart from very few people, this is the case. I think it's safe to say I have trust issues, but I never understood why, as I haven't suffered any trauma and don't really have a reason to be this way.

I consider this to be a bad trait, because finding new friends isn't easy and I'm trying to get rid of this habit.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#362

Post by alecbz »

sweetheart wrote: post #275
bsaul wrote: post #253

This post has to be one of the most archetypal one on HN. Rationalizing human interactions with friends through the use of planification tools.

Normally I'd totally agree with you and cringe at what feels like ridiculous over-engineering of what should be a natural and effortless process... but I was just thinking last night how hard it's been for me to live hours from all my closest friends, and how covid has made it so much harder for me to get my extroverted needs met. My closest friends are, for the most part, our highschool friend group of 15 or so peop…

+1, my gut reaction is definitely to cringe at stuff like this but I can't deny that I think it's actually really helpful. Like I wish I was good enough at being social naturally that I wouldn't need something like this, but I'm not.

I've tried something similar but a bit lighter-weight once, just a sheet with people and the last time I hung out with them, with conditional formatting to highlight the ones with dates further back.

I think honestly more than reminding me when to initiate contact with whom, the real benefit is a forcing function for initiating contact with someone I've not talked to in a while. I can feel awkward about it, but if there's a spreadsheet telling me to do it, I find it's easier to get over that.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#363

Post by keiferski »

I don't think this is fake or forced at all. It's just a necessary counteraction to the way the modern world is constructed. In the past, you'd maintain all of these weak social connections automatically, simply by going about your daily life. You'd talk to your coworkers daily, the baker/grocer/butcher a few times a week, neighbors weekly at the church, other citizens monthly at a town hall, and so on. You didn't need a system because it just happened naturally.

These days, most of these situations have been removed. Workers change jobs every couple years (and can work remotely), most people barely speak to their neighbors, grocery stores are either huge and faceless or just have items delivered by an anonymous gig worker, town halls don't really exist, etc.

If you think that social connections have value (and they almost always do), this is the rational move.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#365

Post by jjfoooo4 »

I’ve found it very helpful to take a bit more “forced” approach in maintaining relationships, especially as I am very poor at remembering names and biographical details.

I just have a notion doc called “people.” At first people have just a name and a physical description, along with where I met them. That just helps me remember names.

But with my partner, different subsections have emerged, with gift ideas, movies to watch, fun things we could do.

The approach outlined in this doc seems to focus on scaling the number of people you can keep in touch with. I struggle to see how this is different than traditional social media - eg the impersonal happy birthdays we’ve all come to ignore in Facebook.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#367

Post by chinchilla2020 »

jakub_g wrote: post #169

My main issue with keeping in touch with people is that texting someone you only vaguely know is kinda weird. You don't see the other person, you don't hear them, you can't know what's in their mind. Those exchanges often just hang in a weird void after a few texts and it's unsure when/how to continue from there. On the other hand, calling someone you don't know well (even someone you do know!) feels even weirder and…

I agree with you. The author is trying to automate human connection - but it probably doesn't come off genuine.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#368

Post by p0d »

I don't want to keep in touch with more people than I have digits. I would call the desire to do so marketing; that is marketing yourself or your business. Which is fine if this is your motivation.

Friendship is your partner who sticks by you. It is the person you go for walks with and just talk. It is the person you meet for lunch and you argue about who pays. It is the person who knows what is going on in your life. It is the person whose floor you have slept on. It is the person who listens to you and then takes action.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#369

Post by 300bps »

eatbitseveryday wrote: post #280
kator wrote: post #205

Interesting way to approach it, my approach might be less technical, when someone comes to mind randomly, I just txt them with: Hey, you just popped into my mind, I hope all is well with you and yours! It's simple, lightweight, and you'd be shocked how often the other person pings back. My completely un-scientific view is that most people think of others once in a while. Perhaps we're too busy to reach out, or the gu…

Hm interesting. I’ve actually gotten these types of messages before, and now they seem strange. My replies were enthusiastic but did not lead to anymore than a shallow interaction, so I felt it was a waste of my time. Perhaps my cynical view, but I don’t want to be used for someone else’s need to feel like they’re connecting with someone when they’re not interested in more than a hello and hope you’re well. Those are…

Those are small talk and are taxing on me :-(

Years ago I read the book, "How to Practice" by the Dalai Lama. Like any book, there were a few parts that stuck with me. Paraphrasing, one of them was:

"If you are in the right frame of mind, your worst enemy cannot hurt you. If you are in the wrong frame of mind, your best friend visiting can seem like a horrific chore."

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#370

Post by Cd00d »

kator wrote: post #205

Interesting way to approach it, my approach might be less technical, when someone comes to mind randomly, I just txt them with: Hey, you just popped into my mind, I hope all is well with you and yours! It's simple, lightweight, and you'd be shocked how often the other person pings back. My completely un-scientific view is that most people think of others once in a while. Perhaps we're too busy to reach out, or the gu…

I started doing this with covid lockdowns, and it's been wonderful. I've had days-long text chains with people that naturally drop off again for a few months, but got us both caught up. I've had meaningful connections with past colleagues that made us both realize how much friendship was formed at work. I've even had it pivot to zoom and a couple of times turn into not just a friendly catch up but learning about opportunities at someone's new company (I'm actively job searching too).

At the end of the day, just catching up with people that I used to see and talk to on a daily/weekly cadence has been a significant emotional boon, and I don't see any downsides. Some of the reaching out didn't go anywhere, and that's fine - most were very worth my time.

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