Hacker News Board Hacker News, browsed like a classic message board
Live data from Hacker News

A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

jakobgreenfeld.com

Post reply on HN
Print view View original

271–280 of 510 posts

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#271

Post by snowwrestler »

gjulianm wrote: post #190
terafo wrote: post #177

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Think of it as the lowest common denominator. It isn't "this person is not important, so I will contact them only once a year", it is "this person is important enough for me to contact them AT LEAST once per year". Flexibility isn't lost, but you have baseline level of commitment to every relationship. If you don't want to contact that person anymore - it's a conscious choice, not "just lost touch", but if you want t…

> but you have baseline level of commitment to every relationship. Well, the issue is that baseline level of commitment is extremely low, to the point where I don't think it's an actual relationship if you only talk once a year. Once a year and zero are practically the same. > You, obviously, SHOULD try to read blog/twitter/whatever BEFORE contacting that person, try to find something interesting there and talk about…

There’s a huge difference between once a year and zero. Think of the strong traditions behind birthday or annual holiday greetings, for instance.

Look at it this way. Let’s say you reach out to 100 people once a year. Well there are 7.7 billion people on Earth. You’re putting those 100 people into your 99.999999 percentile for that year!

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#272

Post by eatbitseveryday »

> I typically spend a few minutes researching what they’ve been up to recently.

So this process isn’t for friends? I find this behavior personally strange. I’d rather get the information on what they’ve been up to from them directly, and the way I do that is to video call them on a weekend to catch up.

It really is impersonal in my opinion to learn about a friend via broadcast messages posted to social media.

As for the technique in the post, I do agree. Some regularity is needed. Every few weeks I call people via video and talk. Others I share photos about what I’ve done via Signal and ask how they’re doing.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#274

Post by nefitty »

kirso wrote: post #210
kator wrote: post #205

Interesting way to approach it, my approach might be less technical, when someone comes to mind randomly, I just txt them with: Hey, you just popped into my mind, I hope all is well with you and yours! It's simple, lightweight, and you'd be shocked how often the other person pings back. My completely un-scientific view is that most people think of others once in a while. Perhaps we're too busy to reach out, or the gu…

Exactly. Agree with this. I think we come to terms at a certain point that its impossible to stay in touch with everyone. I actually kept a table with people to stay in touch with them every: - month - quarter - 6 months - a year (if its less then you remember anyways) I quickly killed that approach, because people who genuinely understand overwhelm also are always happy to catch-up once in a while and we hold no har…

I think both approaches work. Like, most people survive with a to-do loop just in their brains, stochastically prioritizing and picking tasks to do as circumstances change. The difficulty comes in when a person either doesn't have the capacity for multiple threads in their mind (ie mental disorder, creative loop dominance, overwhelm, unreliable memory, etc) or when a person wants to focus their mind completely on some personal endeavor.

It's likely that most traditionally successful people have some sort of task system in their life. Who's to say that the most socially "successful" people don't have similar systems as well? It reminds me of the show Veep, where the main character's entourage whispers in her ear the name and info about a person she's about to shake hands with. The whole persona of a politician is based on making and juggling and keeping connections open. Biden is still in regular contact with people from decades ago from the beginning of his career, for example.

I told a friend once that I was using the Habitica game to help me stay productive. He was incredulous, "You really need a piece of software to tell you what to do?!" He manages and co-owns several ice cream stores, so I know the stochastic method is feasible in more complex lifestyles. That's just not the case for my brain.

I admit that I am hesitant to build a social system because of the expectation of perception of cynicism or even sociopathy. I have my friend's birthdays on my calendar. Why shouldn't I also have a little blurb about what they like, what they're up to and a log of our contact? I think I would be floored and honored if I found out a friend lovingly kept little journal entries about me, I mean, after the intial weirded-outness I guess.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#275

Post by sweetheart »

bsaul wrote: post #253

This post has to be one of the most archetypal one on HN. Rationalizing human interactions with friends through the use of planification tools.

Normally I'd totally agree with you and cringe at what feels like ridiculous over-engineering of what should be a natural and effortless process... but I was just thinking last night how hard it's been for me to live hours from all my closest friends, and how covid has made it so much harder for me to get my extroverted needs met. My closest friends are, for the most part, our highschool friend group of 15 or so people who live across many states and a couple countries. Juggling all those incredibly important friendships gets hard without a nudge and a reminder to call or text them.

It's a good problem to have, too many friends.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#277

Post by nefitty »

brnt wrote: post #267
kirso wrote: post #210

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Exactly. Agree with this. I think we come to terms at a certain point that its impossible to stay in touch with everyone. I actually kept a table with people to stay in touch with them every: - month - quarter - 6 months - a year (if its less then you remember anyways) I quickly killed that approach, because people who genuinely understand overwhelm also are always happy to catch-up once in a while and we hold no har…

I don't know what it is in me or how it got there, but I seem to be thoroughly convinced that I'll only be bothering people. When I rationally think about it, even emotionally, I disagree, yet I cannot shake the instinctual feeling.

One of the most powerful life hacks I've discovered is management of rejection sensitivity/expectation of rejection. CBT can help. Also, surprisingly, Tylenol...

https://www.healthline.com/health-news/mental-tylenol-ingred...

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#278

Post by trowawee »

pjerem wrote: post #191
mb_72 wrote: post #109

Hmmm, I would never use such a system as for one thing - if people aren't contacting me, why should I care about contacting them? I have several 'best friends', maybe twice that 'friends', and then a bunch more I interact with sometimes, and I feel this is relatively normal. Also, I don't care actually if it's not normal, and don't feel I'm missing out on anything. That said, I'm quite the introvert and generally val…

> if people aren't contacting me, why should I care about contacting them? That’s my current main interrogation in life and honestly, I have not found the answer. I feel alone, but I have a fair number of "old friends" I barely contact anymore. I want to keep in touch but don’t know what to say. And they don’t spontaneously contact me, neither do I. It’s a chicken and egg problem. Maybe people don’t care about me. Bu…

I sorta feel like you answered the question in this comment, despite saying that you don't have the answer. The answer is because you want to stay in touch, because humans (mostly) crave contact with other humans. Loneliness is endemic in a lot of places right now. Many people feel alone, and many people feel like they are "bad at staying in touch", and maybe a tiny handful of people are naturally good at it (altho in my limited experience, the ones who are good at it are usually using some system, even if it's not quite this technical).

Personally, I use Monica and regularly make lists of people that I want to stay in touch with, and then periodically go through those lists and reach out to them. It doesn't have to be a huge personal missive, just a text or an email that says something like "Hey! I was just thinking of you. How are you/you and the family doing?" If something more deliberate triggered the desire, I include that. And it frequently triggers conversations that, like you experienced, were a lot of fun, and end up actually feeling energizing, rather than draining.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#279

Post by tillcarlos »

I started a year ago to shoot random videos throughout my week and then edit them on sunday (takes 1h with luma fusion). I limited each video to 3 minutes and added voice over.

Then I sent the videos out via whatsapp and to 100 friends in a telegram channel.

The effects of this were really great. People said it’s now part of their Sunday. And they get to know me quite well, without scheduling calls or such.

Re: A simple system I’m using to stay in touch with hundreds of people

#280

Post by eatbitseveryday »

kator wrote: post #205

Interesting way to approach it, my approach might be less technical, when someone comes to mind randomly, I just txt them with: Hey, you just popped into my mind, I hope all is well with you and yours! It's simple, lightweight, and you'd be shocked how often the other person pings back. My completely un-scientific view is that most people think of others once in a while. Perhaps we're too busy to reach out, or the gu…

Hm interesting. I’ve actually gotten these types of messages before, and now they seem strange. My replies were enthusiastic but did not lead to anymore than a shallow interaction, so I felt it was a waste of my time. Perhaps my cynical view, but I don’t want to be used for someone else’s need to feel like they’re connecting with someone when they’re not interested in more than a hello and hope you’re well. Those are small talk and are taxing on me :-(
Post reply on HN