I am currently in a similar situation after a messy breakup (relationship of 8 years). I am unable to concentrate or to get my sh*t together. I just hope to get back on my feet soon enough. I had my side project running and I was a respected SWE in my field. Now I can barely survive the day. I think for me working out is doing the magic and avoiding being alone for too long.
Ask HN: Did anyone else lose their marbles?
351–360 of 361 posts
Re: Ask HN: Did anyone else lose their marbles?
#352Earlier quoted context omitted.
Here it is. To me it's like a demon you can beat by knowing its name. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Limerence
Fascinating. But is Limerence only when the obsession is targeted towards a person, rather than idea/object? I've noticed strong feelings of obsession towards an idea/goal, particularly when it's not achievable.
I've only experienced it as described in the article, with a person as the limerent object. The limerent state is sustained by uncertainty, the small and tantalizing chance it could work out the way you want and the undeniable chance it could fail. One way out of the situation is to make success impossible (say, by a breakup) and therefore reach certainty of the outcome. This is of course the last thing most people would do, but to end what feels like permanent madness, you take that deal.
I think if this article really described you, you would stop dead in your tracks reading it. There is what the general public casually calls OCD and intrusive thoughts, and then there are many horrifying flavors of the real deal.
Re: Ask HN: Did anyone else lose their marbles?
#353Yes - I think I'm currently going through it. Throughout my career I've constantly felt like I've failed upwards. I'm now 1 rung down from CTO and frankly if it wasn't for my anxiety I could probably fill that role, but lately i've found myself saying repeatedly to my wife "I just want to be a small cog again". I left enterprise IT 5 years ago for reasons I can no longer quite remember - I think most of it was becaus…
It's okay, it's totally legitimate to feel overwhelmed. You're right, no one should be shouting at you. And you're also right that you can find another job. It's also fine to go ahead and work for an enterprise if you feel it could ease the tension for you or you just feel like it. I often miss being an IC as well - it's so much simpler and the mental barriers are comforting.
Do try psychotherapy. At the very least, talking about things you're going through can bring you relief and possibly actionable insights.
I strongly recommend some kind of sport as a hobby. There's something powerful about routinely choosing to be uncomfortable (to a tolerable level) and seeing your body and mind transform as a result. Not to mention it becomes really (oddly?) fun at some point.
Re: Ask HN: Did anyone else lose their marbles?
#354Earlier quoted context omitted.
We all need to be able to make a living, whether it's software engineering, wood working, or day dreaming (if you can get paid for that). In general life is about getting big things done. Whether it's raising a kid, bagging 20 tons of groceries, wiring a house, or shipping 2M lines of code. The point being made is how to do that sustainably. Don't be a curmudgeon.
> Don't be a curmudgeon. don't tell other people to cheer up. that's always a dick move. also "we all need to" is a blatant lie. only those who have not inherrited "need" to. we wouldnt have to if we organized better. if we valued each life equally. but we are not. and we do not. we are strangers, your life means squat to me, and mine means even less to you. you have no idea where im coming from. and therefore no rig…
> don't tell other people to cheer up. that's always a dick move.
I didn't tell you to cheer up. I told you to stop being a curmudgeon. Go be anything else.
We do all need to make a living. In our most natural state, we would be hairless apes that have to go outside and pick berries or kill antelope. That is doing hard things and making a living. Measuring yourself by snowflakes (rich people) is a losing battle. Be your best self with the realities of life.
> but we are not. and we do not. we are strangers, your life means squat to me, and mine means even less to you.
Right on both counts.
> you have no idea where im coming from.
Right again.
>best regards, > a curmudgeon
A word of (truly) friendly advice, attempt to become more satisfied in life. This reeks of dissatisfaction and unhappiness.
Re: Ask HN: Did anyone else lose their marbles?
#355Earlier quoted context omitted.
Not OP, but perhaps the regret is about putting too much pressure on themselves, not the aftermath. We owe it to our loved ones as much as to ourselves to keep a healthy balance in the things we do.
but that's like saying we owe it to our loved ones to never get sick. Mental illness is illness, it's not something you are doing to yourself.
There are different types of illness. Some can happen, and there's nothing we can do about it. That's not the same as engaging in behaviour that causes illness. Self-destructive behaviour chips away at our physical and mental soundness. If we fail to regulate our actions in time we invite illness. We certainly owe it to our loved ones to avoid that.
Re: Ask HN: Did anyone else lose their marbles?
#356Earlier quoted context omitted.
It does sound like PTSD or CPTSD. You can treat this yourself with the right resources. For starters, there are journaling practices for processing emotions. And then there are various kinds of meditations. Then there is psychoeducation, which will - over time - help dealing with difficult emotions. Notable authors and researchers in this field: Pete Walker, Bessel van der Kolk, Peter Levine, Arielle Schwartz.
hmmmm .... PTSD? he's probably just in the same existential funk 90% of the rich world is in. action is the way out, whatever that means for you.
No, it's not the same.
Action is good, but if the emotional state is too bad, you can't just act your way out of it. You'll just overreach and break down again. You have to metabolize your emotions. For example through grief and acceptance.
I've tried action and many other things for decades. What finally freed me was crying it out for a few weeks, and now I'm fine. Now I can take action to get out of a funk.
Re: Ask HN: Did anyone else lose their marbles?
#357Never had psychosis but have had a few major depression episodes (sleep all day, lose a bunch of weight, get stuck in a cycle of negative thoughts, etc).
I did end up in the hospital once for a week. I found myself repeating the same actions over and over again because I couldn’t remember doing them, I had a hard time speaking (everything came out in slow motion and stuttering), and I think I had a bout of depersonalization. The DRs thought I was drunk or on something. I wasn’t. Never did figure out what happened.
It was probably all stress related. I had to quit my job and move closer to family. Ended up costing me $$$ due to bad timing (lost options that weren’t fully vested) I have to be very careful about work.
I tried therapy and medication. Maybe it helped. Maybe it’s just something you learn to cope with. Recognize it for what it is. You’re a person who’s somewhat fragile. You might have a breakdown. If you can recognize warning signs try to catch it early. I have a lot of respect for people who have grit and endurance - I want to be the kind of person who can do big things and work hard and accomplish the seemingly impossible - but at least in my experience, mental health doesn’t always play well with that and it takes a long time to recover.
Personally work was the “main” thing I put energy into for a long time. And it’s not anymore. And that makes me sad. But at least I’m not losing my marbles anymore (knock on wood).
Re: Ask HN: Did anyone else lose their marbles?
#358Earlier quoted context omitted.
hmmmm .... PTSD? he's probably just in the same existential funk 90% of the rich world is in. action is the way out, whatever that means for you.
No, it's not the same. Action is good, but if the emotional state is too bad, you can't just act your way out of it. You'll just overreach and break down again. You have to metabolize your emotions. For example through grief and acceptance. I've tried action and many other things for decades. What finally freed me was crying it out for a few weeks, and now I'm fine. Now I can take action to get out of a funk.
i should be more careful with my comments then. such a wide spectrum of human experience. glad you're freed :)
Re: Ask HN: Did anyone else lose their marbles?
#359Earlier quoted context omitted.
> For instance, one CEO would periodically grab me, walk me a few blocks away from the office and proceed to scream in my face for 20 minutes on the sidewalk. There are many, many other examples, but honestly, it's all too familiar and boring to recount. Wh..why did you even stay long enough for this to have happened more than once ?
That’s a very good question. Hubris? I guess? What I mean by that, was I was REALLY invested in the project: not the business case, or the brand or anything else about the company, and particularly not the CEO. I REALLY wanted to complete the project as a badge of honour for myself. I’d built 4 x tech teams of a total of 25 senior devs up from nothing, entirely re-wrote the broken legacy backend systems and switched…
Forget everything else. If you accept being treated this way — holding on to some hope that “some day it’ll get better” — you are going to feel like shit (even after you quit or are fired).
Re: Ask HN: Did anyone else lose their marbles?
#360Earlier quoted context omitted.
> Don't be a curmudgeon. don't tell other people to cheer up. that's always a dick move. also "we all need to" is a blatant lie. only those who have not inherrited "need" to. we wouldnt have to if we organized better. if we valued each life equally. but we are not. and we do not. we are strangers, your life means squat to me, and mine means even less to you. you have no idea where im coming from. and therefore no rig…
> don't tell other people to cheer up. that's always a dick move. I didn't tell you to cheer up. I told you to stop being a curmudgeon. Go be anything else. We do all need to make a living. In our most natural state, we would be hairless apes that have to go outside and pick berries or kill antelope. That is doing hard things and making a living. Measuring yourself by snowflakes (rich people) is a losing battle. Be y…
Oh, i AM unhappy and dissatisfied with the state of things. So, thanks for noticing?
However, just like most people i dont have the political might to change anything about what im unhappy with. Except vote. which i do. which doesnt do squat either.
so, you do you, and i do whatever i do.