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Introducing “Ask a Female Engineer”

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Re: Introducing “Ask a Female Engineer”

#341

Post by andrepd »

nsxwolf wrote: post #314
Chinjut wrote: post #272

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Y'all have some super-paranoid jealous partners, if you can't even talk to a colleague of a particular gender, purely as colleagues. I hope both for your partner and for you that they stop being that way someday.

Oh sure I can. I'm just not taking one out for coffee alone.

You mean to say you aren't allowed go our for coffee with a colleague? That sounds like a really unhealthy relationship to be honest... She doesn't trust you alone with a person of the opposite sex?

Re: Introducing “Ask a Female Engineer”

#342

Post by andrepd »

Mz wrote: post #333
rhaps0dy wrote: post #222

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Does it work to outright say "It's not a date, I just want to talk to you"? Or does it have the opposite effect and make the askee more wary that the asker may, in fact, take it as a date?

I will suggest that saying it is not a date is problematic. It is more effective to signal this is specifically work related in some other manner, like saying you want to discuss X project over coffee. Affirm it is work related. Don't reference dating at all.

Or just go freaking have a coffee without overthinking the whole thing and finding 1001 ways that a conversation over coffee could be misinterpreted as god knows what... Christ people need to chill /rant.

Re: Introducing “Ask a Female Engineer”

#343

Post by Mz »

andrepd wrote: post #342
Mz wrote: post #333

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I will suggest that saying it is not a date is problematic. It is more effective to signal this is specifically work related in some other manner, like saying you want to discuss X project over coffee. Affirm it is work related. Don't reference dating at all.

Or just go freaking have a coffee without overthinking the whole thing and finding 1001 ways that a conversation over coffee could be misinterpreted as god knows what... Christ people need to chill /rant.

I only overthink it because of the many times I just went and talked to a man only to have it lead to serious weirdness.

I wish it weren't necessary. Perhaps someday it won't be.

Re: Introducing “Ask a Female Engineer”

#344

Post by andrepd »

hnbroseph wrote: post #85
rimantas wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

So, let's play "roles reversed" game. Or maybe not. It is sad however, that you cannot even ask another human being for a cup of coffee.

it's also sad that you can't just call someone to netflix and chill....right?

No, because it's a universal tongue-in-cheek way to state you want to have sex. "Cup of coffee" to "I want to fuck" however, is a stretch.

Re: Introducing “Ask a Female Engineer”

#345

Post by beambot »

Mz wrote: post #333
rhaps0dy wrote: post #222

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Does it work to outright say "It's not a date, I just want to talk to you"? Or does it have the opposite effect and make the askee more wary that the asker may, in fact, take it as a date?

I will suggest that saying it is not a date is problematic. It is more effective to signal this is specifically work related in some other manner, like saying you want to discuss X project over coffee. Affirm it is work related. Don't reference dating at all.

Give the work meetings a proper name (eg 1:1) that everyone can use to designate the meetings as work related, and then it alleviates ambiguity.

Re: Introducing “Ask a Female Engineer”

#346

Post by munchbunny »

Mz wrote: post #291
withdavidli wrote: post #288

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This isn't a work place issue, it's a marriage issue. If your wife beats you for talking to women while she's not around, you need to document and prolly get a divorce. This is not okay.

But it is a valid point that this kind of drama at home impacts male behavior at work in a way that is exclusionary towards female colleagues and I appreciate the fact that some people are willing to admit it here.

While I also appreciate the fact that people are willing to be open about it...

Drama at home is drama at home. It's a reason, but not a convincing one to behave differently towards female colleagues at work. The real problem is that person's unusually unhealthy personal relationship issues, which colleagues shouldn't be expected to tiptoe around.

Re: Introducing “Ask a Female Engineer”

#347

Post by Jtsummers »

wehadfun wrote: post #240
Jtsummers wrote: post #95

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I agree that things can be misinterpreted, but that's not a reason to avoid relationships with people. It's a reason to keep things clearly communicated. And if people choose to gossip and act like high schoolers, let them. Maybe call them out on it, depending on the nature of your professional/personal relationship this can be easier said than done. But, maybe this is just me, I'm not going to forfeit my good relati…

Are you single? You sound single.

No.

Re: Introducing “Ask a Female Engineer”

#348

Post by chillacy »

NTDF9 wrote: post #259
chillacy wrote: post #144

Earlier quoted context omitted.

To add some terminology: http://imgur.com/a/hS0yk You're asking for the left picture, others are asking for the right picture. As for how the world would respond... some would laugh, some would get mad. But that would be like if you walked into some poor rural town afflicted by unemployment and held up a sign that said "I make over $100k working a tech job in San Francisco. Every spare bit of change helps." Some woul…

I understand that picture very well. Thanks for bringing it up. I really think equality of opportunity should exist beyond social lines like gender, race, disabilities etc. But equality of outcome? Why? Why should everyone have equal outcome? What is the reward for hard work then? Why be a good person if being a bad one will bring the same outcome? When everyone starts with the same opportunities, the hardworker, sma…

I agree that equal outcome is undesirable. But if you truly had equal opportunity for something universally desired, let's say higher education, you would expect to see in your freshman class across all colleges a distribution matching the general population in all these factors, like gender/race/disabilities, and I would add wealth too.

But when we look at these distributions we see some under represented, and some over represented. That seems to imply that there wasn't equal opportunity, or there's different desirability among the groups (e.g. maybe 90% of very tall people would rather play NBA basketball than go to college).

Re: Introducing “Ask a Female Engineer”

#349

Post by jshevek »

Mz wrote: post #128
wmeredith wrote: post #26

On attending a meeting as a female engineer... "I immediately figure out who is likely to hear me out based on our previous interactions. Then I’ll purposefully sit somewhere near those allies. If I’m feeling less confident when I’m speaking, I’ll look at them first. I’m less likely to even speak up in meetings where I don’t feel like I have supportive people. I don’t often feel like I’m not heard at meetings, but I…

Thank you very much for saying that. Sincerely. I am a woman and insight into how men experience doing business has been far more valuable to me than most of the stuff like this article. It has been incredibly valuable for me to know that specific negatives I experience are normal and not about my gender and it has helped me move forward on things that matter to me. It helps me sort the wheat from the chaff.

I'm not the parent poster, but I'm touched by your comment. I believe that aspiring to an accurate, honest understanding of the world is empowering. Inversely, convincing people that they are victims of oppression (to degrees that go beyond the evidence) actually hurts the people this is intended to help.

Re: Introducing “Ask a Female Engineer”

#350

Post by lomnakkus »

paulddraper wrote: post #339
hobs wrote: post #185

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Seconded, I have never worked at a company where talking to the HR team was a good idea for any reason. If you are thinking about it you should probably seek a lawyer because they are not your friend.

Taking to HR is like talking to the cops. It's only a good thing when you have the grievance.

Even then they can probably nail you for something if they're so inclined.
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