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Never waste a midlife crisis

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Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#331

Post by sph »

axioms_End wrote: post #299
vasco wrote: post #281

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It's just inviting downvotes but I also agree with you. Therapy is a scam and no doctor can explain how or why anti-depressants work (also why they have people "try" many before finding the "right one for you"). But people are too cool for friends and family now and hearing hard truths so they pay someone to be told they matter and how to run their lives. I have seen different approaches to therapy being done to diff…

1) Length of therapy is strongly correlated to school. CBT and it's forks are relatively short and ability-oriented, where psychodynamic is very long with hazy endpoint. And generally CBT should be pushed much more, as it's faster, more goal-oriented, and less prone to, let's say, therapist biases. 2) Although I get the idea that people need friends and family, it's easy to forget that people with severe issues do no…

I dislike immensely the idea of CBT and I reckon it's the reason therapy got such a bad rap. Talk therapy is immensely more free form. The goal-oriented approach works great in our modern productivity focused society, it's not a way to just learn to unleash what you actually want to be.

Source: 3 years of talk therapy.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#332

Post by sph »

vasco wrote: post #305
axioms_End wrote: post #299

Earlier quoted context omitted.

1) Length of therapy is strongly correlated to school. CBT and it's forks are relatively short and ability-oriented, where psychodynamic is very long with hazy endpoint. And generally CBT should be pushed much more, as it's faster, more goal-oriented, and less prone to, let's say, therapist biases. 2) Although I get the idea that people need friends and family, it's easy to forget that people with severe issues do no…

There's a big spectrum and you have good points. I honestly believe that a small amount of people are better off being medicated, keyword being very small ( But I refuse to believe that a society with a significant % of people on anti-depressants is a way to live. Look at my country's statistics: https://www.statista.com/statistics/1020727/antidepressants-... Most of my friends on them are just bummed out about their…

You ignorance on the matter shows. You are probably living in the US where pushing pills is the norm. Honestly, this entire anti-therapy subthread is a shitshow of misinformation.

Let me shed some light: there are psychotherapists, that are not doctor, and can't prescribe anything. Then there's psychiatrists, which are medical doctors, and might approach your depression with the pill du jour. SSRIs just cure the symptom, not the actual bloody problem one has.

You don't need a pill, nor a doctor unless it's an actual curable condition (bipolar, ADHD, etc.). You need someone to talk to.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#333

Post by vandreas2 »

edanm wrote: post #200
boringg wrote: post #72

Earlier quoted context omitted.

True but if you make a decision that makes you a bitter adult then they have to live with that as well - as a role model for your kids no less. No easy answers unfortunately.

You're right, but just to point out the obvious - you can decide (to some extent) not to be bitter, even if you aren't fulfilled at your job. Many people, in fact most people, and certainly most people throughout history, have worked not because it was the thing they wanted to do to be most fulfilled. They worked because they had to provide for their family. The choice isn't binary - it's not "do something you love a…

On the other hand, very few jobs these days in the West are about survival anymore. It's true to some extent that you need to pay for your mortgage but at the same time the amount of bullshit jobs is staggering. People work for work for organizations that provide the service of allowing others to like photos of your holidays. Very few people are employed in farming these days as opposed to the entertainment industry. I'm not saying that working in the gaming industry is without value but compared to historical data it looks like it's very hard to die of a famine these days.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#334

Post by newaccount74 »

ctrlp wrote: post #169
soligern wrote: post #158

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Getting help from mental health professionals is just a way for that individual to foist their opinions onto you. Psychology is a highly subjective field whose studies have startlingly low reproducibility. You’re much better off finding someone in your circle that’s willing to listen to you and shares your values (though not everyone might have this available to them).

This is good advice. Sadly, many on HN are very pro "mental health professionals". I see the opposite advice proffered frequently. These "professionals" make things worse by pathologizing normal life. Their availability to function as ersatz "friends" discourages people from making the real kind, imho.

Have you ever been to a therapist?

My family did a few group therapy sessions when my dad died, and it wasn't anything like you suggested.

At no point did the therapist suggest there was anything wrong with us or suggest medication. She just listened and helped us deal with the new situation.

Was it absolutely necessary to talk to a therapist? No it wasn't.

Did it make the situation easier to deal with? Yes it did.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#335

Post by newaccount74 »

sph wrote: post #328
soligern wrote: post #158

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Getting help from mental health professionals is just a way for that individual to foist their opinions onto you. Psychology is a highly subjective field whose studies have startlingly low reproducibility. You’re much better off finding someone in your circle that’s willing to listen to you and shares your values (though not everyone might have this available to them).

This, and the sibling replies are utter bollocks. I might be the only person on earth that got something out of therapy, and I blame being and staying depressed my entire adult life because I listened to idiots like you. And trust me, I'm restraining myself here. We have a mental health crisis, a broken support system, male suicide at a all-time high, and your opinion is still mainstream. Shut up and listen. -- Advic…

I feel like the people complaining about therapy have no idea what therapy is like.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#336

Post by sph »

layman51 wrote: post #124
sph wrote: post #27

Good advice, from a 36 year old middle aged man 3 years into a midlife crisis after a massive work-related burnout event. A couple more pieces of advice from me: * A midlife crisis has its own glacial pace. Be prepared to be upside down for a long time. * Be prepared not to be the same person you were before. Be prepared to learn there is no turning back. * If you're in a midlife crisis, your previous life was simply…

May I ask for further advice on your fourth bullet point about “outsourcing your mental health”? I understand you might need to shop around like you maybe go to a cognitive-behavioral therapist, or psychoanalyst, or buy a Transcendental Meditation (TM) course.

Talk therapy with a psychotherapist. The ones that listen and don't do much talking, not the ones that prescribe (which are called psychiatrists).

If all else fails, M-x doctor. It's a thing.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#337

Post by ant6n »

dmje wrote: post #233

My midlife crisis at 40 was more like a midlife epiphany. We moved from a perfectly good and totally beautiful city (Bath, UK) into the arse end of nowhere in Devon to live in a shack in the woods with no running water and to be near the sea. We went with two small (8 and 5) kids (responding to those here saying it's not possible - it is!) and downsized from a busy city life to a quiet rural one. Our intention was to…

I mean good for you. Both my boys (2 and 4) are social butterflies, if they had only each other they’d probably go crazy.

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#338

Post by Joeri »

dmje wrote: post #233

My midlife crisis at 40 was more like a midlife epiphany. We moved from a perfectly good and totally beautiful city (Bath, UK) into the arse end of nowhere in Devon to live in a shack in the woods with no running water and to be near the sea. We went with two small (8 and 5) kids (responding to those here saying it's not possible - it is!) and downsized from a busy city life to a quiet rural one. Our intention was to…

We just did the lightweight version of that, moved from a major city to the beach, but still in a beach town. It came about due to my wife’s midlife crisis induced by major (now solved) health problems. We’ve lived at the beach for three weeks and already it feels like our best decision in many years.

(We kept our old jobs and are working mostly remotely. The commute is two hours each direction by train, but doing that once a week is fine by me.)

Re: Never waste a midlife crisis

#340

Post by aftoprokrustes »

ThrowAway1922A wrote: post #172
more_corn wrote: post #85

I’ve always thought midlife crisis was a weird thing. Nobody knows when they’ll die. Maybe you die in an avalanche at 24. At which point you probably should have reassessed your life and assumptions at 12. Or maybe you die in a car accident at 18. Or a house fire at 32. Maybe you’re gunned down by the husband of the lady you’re sleeping with at 74. If there’s any benefit from a midlife crisis you should probably get…

This isn't reassuring, it's depressing. God we truly are cursed aren't we? Being born into this meat grinder is not worth it and we are unlucky to be here.

The awareness of the innevitability of death can actually be freeing and help give more depth to life. For instance Maranasati practices in most branches of Buddhism or the "Memento Mori" of the romans and middle age christians. I am actually even convinced that death, even with all the pain and despair it brings, is necessary for beauty and mystery. And I say this as someone who had several close relatives dying recently and went through grief and accompanying the grief of others.

Midlife crisis might actually be an example of that: "why am I waste my time? It is limited, I need to make something meaningful" would likely not be a common thought if we were immortal. You cannot waste what is in infinite supply.

(Note that this is a theme one finds in Buddhist cosmology: birth in the human realm is seen as better than birth in the heavenly realms, where life is so long it is essentially infinite, because it is human mortality that helps getting the drive to study the Buddhas teachings to end the cycle of rebirth. Very refreshing idea if compared to classical conceptions of the Christian paradise)

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