Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found • Hacker News Board

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#321

Post by Ma8ee » Sun, Sep 22, 2019, 9:25 PM UTC

username90 wrote: post #298

Ma8ee wrote: post #290

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Why is high productivity important to you? This is an honest question.

It is fun to be productive. Being the best performer on your team can make work very enjoyable. Also it is not fun to be unproductive. Being the worst performer on your team can make work very stressful. Also it helps with promotions and therefore money if you work at a decent place. If you work on your own project your productivity matters even more.

The question was directed to Abishek, and I didn’t ask about general advantages of productivity. As you have noticed, they are easy to enumerate.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#322

Post by maximente » Sun, Sep 22, 2019, 9:31 PM UTC

mercutio2 wrote: post #274

Ixiaus wrote: post #212

Earlier quoted context omitted.

It is not common and if you experience this then you are: bad at setting your own boundaries, bad at mate selection, or bad at friend selection. Men are not victims here. Have a hard look at why you think this and fix the problem.

I know lots and lots of people in very similar situations to what Mediterraneo described. I’m not sure if I’d describe it as common, but having a partner who either directly, or passively aggressively, undermines your ability to maintain external friendships is a very real phenomenon. It’s certainly not a healthy pattern, but it’s also pretty understandable. Relationships of all sorts need care and feeding. Sometimes…

yeah that's really interesting, i'm wondering if you're in the US (or that's where your friends are)

in my experience in the US couples tend to basically turn into a military style cornered unit with an us vs the world attitude as soon as children come, where the focus becomes some mix of family:work to the exclusion of all other activities, to include hobbies, fitness, eating right, etc. i hear jokes about "date night" as if that's somehow abnormal, so it seems people have to move mountains just to get dinner together.

i wonder if in the US there just isn't any sort of community setup so couples feel like any energy shared outside that is somehow hostile to their survival, e.g., you hanging out with your friends means you're not "all in" on your family or something.

it could also be a signaling thing, e.g. if you signal you don't have time for friends, perhaps the world views you as really virtuous and family oriented.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#323

Post by sneak » Sun, Sep 22, 2019, 9:31 PM UTC

bloody-crow wrote: post #315

sneak wrote: post #306

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Where do you live? What are your hobbies and interests?

Seattle suburbs. Coding, videogames, cars. I've recently fell out of all of my hobbies and even stopped playing online games where I had some community going on.

I’m thinking of starting a cryptoparty in a few of the cities I regularly inhabit to teach and meet more people, after being inspired by Snowden’s book. Seems like a good way to improve my communities and also meet interesting people.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#324

Post by abledon » Sun, Sep 22, 2019, 9:36 PM UTC

buro9 wrote: post #87

I run 300 forums, and I had a startup for them. The lofty goal of the startup was to "cure loneliness" but I never told the users that. My path to doing this was to encourage interest based communication, in a way that would allow them to take it offline. How? Well to make it interest + geography, i.e. horology nerds in Cumbria, cyclists in London, petrol heads in Cornwall, audiophiles in Suffolk. By binding together…

lol, not sure if your intention was naming LFGSS to be eerily similar to the acronym "LFG" which means Looking For Group

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#325

Post by Doubl » Sun, Sep 22, 2019, 9:36 PM UTC

jhayward wrote: post #264

DoofusOfDeath wrote: post #169

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Has this been a problem in the past? From your phrasing, it sounds like a pet peeve.

Introverts are often harassed with "why are you so quiet?" and "why don't you ?" questions that seem innocent, but are actually attacks by people who are unable to let them be themselves.

The well meaning extrovert person who introduces you to someone by saying, this is x, he's really shy. Anyone had that, ever? They might as well dig a hole for you.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#326

Post by humanrebar » Sun, Sep 22, 2019, 9:41 PM UTC

username90 wrote: post #182

humanrebar wrote: post #143

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't think my marriage would be as good if I went into it with an exit plan. For instance, it would be easier for some things, especially huge things, to be "her problem" instead of "our problem" if I had an escape hatch present in my subconscious.

I think that making the husband socially dependent on the wife is bad for the same reasons making the wife financially dependent on the husband is. You can say that it goes against the spirit of marriage, but I'd say that those things makes people stay in unhealthy relationships.

I didn't say anything like that.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#327

Post by Roritharr » Sun, Sep 22, 2019, 9:42 PM UTC

Mediterraneo10 wrote: post #206

tonystubblebine wrote: post #63

Earlier quoted context omitted.

An important post-30 strategy that I use is to assume that all friends with children are prisoners in their own home. You know exactly where they are. You know they don't have plans. They are desperate for adult conversation. That means you can invite yourself over, bring takeout, and basically make their day. I'm coupled but this should work as a single. Our parent friends say it's actually easier to be friends with…

> That means you can invite yourself over It is fairly common for a man to marry a woman who does not like his friends. Then, the wife does not want the husband’s friends at their home. So, you cannot invite yourself over, and the man is so busy with giving his wife sufficient attention and with childraising that he cannot easily go out to meet his friends in another location.

In our relationship we both don't really care for the friends of each other, it's just how it shook out and nothing we'd leave another over as we both allow each other as much time with our friends as wanted.

BUT this obviously reduces occasions to mingle anyway as it's just a bit awkward of a situation every time as it feels like we impose a burden on each other and our friends don't feel very welcomed in our home compared to other places.

We've just received our second son so it's currently time again to have all our friends come over which makes it very visible how uncomfortable this is.

Finding new friends is possible, but it is something that just has to fit in a schedule that barely has any space for even the bare necessities of life as parents.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#328

Post by humanrebar » Sun, Sep 22, 2019, 9:44 PM UTC

icebraining wrote: post #181

humanrebar wrote: post #143

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I don't think my marriage would be as good if I went into it with an exit plan. For instance, it would be easier for some things, especially huge things, to be "her problem" instead of "our problem" if I had an escape hatch present in my subconscious.

Neither of my grandparents "escaped" (by which I assume you mean divorce), yet it still ended, and my grandmother lived over 30 years alone.

Sure. That's typically in the vows.

I was more saying that people don't vow to be together "until I get a few promotions, you get fat, or I contract chronic FOMO-itis". Those who have expectations like that tend to be hurting themselves too.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#329

Post by Markoff » Sun, Sep 22, 2019, 9:48 PM UTC

well I moved to completely different city in different country two years ago, on top of that I work from home 100% of time, on top of that I have two small children. do you really think I have energy for close friend? I am happy to rest in evening and not work during weekend, so I can spend more time with children. there is basically no time for friends of hobbies some people recommend to make friends (if I had energy in first place)

so you can count me as one of those 18% guys. it's just stupid not take into consideration other factors, it's very different for single and/or childless people and for married folks with children, I would like to see difference in statistics for these two groups

my present socialization is just reddit, Twitter and some other mother in playground I like to hang out

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#330

Post by the_rosentotter » Sun, Sep 22, 2019, 9:52 PM UTC

One thing I haven't seen mentioned: 'Friends' in your teens and twenties are often really about having someone to hang around with while looking for a mate. So you won't look like a lone loser at the club, or in social situations, or so that you get to meet members of the opposite/preferred sex through the group.

Once people get married and have kids, all of that falls away, and so do the 'friends'. You don't hook up with new people, because either they want partners to ride shotgun with them while hunting for a mate, or they are set up too. What's left are people you have a real connection with, usually people you were friends with since you were kids, and those few family members you can stand being around. For many, that is a small to non-existing group. What's left is your wife and kids, and honestly? The best company there is, IMHO. And I am not worried about what I will do when the kids leave and my wife divorces me, silly me.