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Why don’t more people live close to friends?

annehelen.substack.com

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Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

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post #265
post #253

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I just came back from Vietnam and I noticed that many Western countries lack low intensity socialising. There are tea carts everywhere. People sit, sip tea or some other light beverage and just do nothing. They’re close to others who are also doing nothing with whom they may or may not engage with. Bars and clubs are too intense, too expensive and unappealing if you don’t drink alcohol. At libraries and coffeeshops p…

Most of Europe has a café culture. It is sorely missing from North America. You just sit outside and watch the world go by. Berlin in particular has lots of parks, and people can go there with drinks, grills, frisbees etc. The sheer number of them means that most people are within walking distance from one. It’s great to meet without spending money. Again, those are almost absent in most of North America. You have to…

More like sit and scroll on your phone... :D

I love the idea of what cafes were supposed to be a century ago. But nowadays HN or some subreddits plays the same role. Now I can live in bum-fuck-nowhere and interact with other people from wherever. While saving on exorbitant rent just to be close to meeting points.

On other other hand, this kills the romanticised idea of the cities. But are we after „city life“ as a cargo cult? Or exchange of ideas? Internet enables later from even most remote points of the world. While former feels more like roleplaying nowadays.

Community building is slightly different from cafe culture though. Cafes culture is similar to social media bubbles. Community that connects people physically living in the same people allowing to solve practical problems of the day is needed one way or another.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#302
post #284
post #265

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Most of Europe has a café culture. It is sorely missing from North America. You just sit outside and watch the world go by. Berlin in particular has lots of parks, and people can go there with drinks, grills, frisbees etc. The sheer number of them means that most people are within walking distance from one. It’s great to meet without spending money. Again, those are almost absent in most of North America. You have to…

Illegal to 'loiter' in a park ? What does legal use of it look like? Moving through at a swift pace with eyes straight ahead and a stamped permit that it's the most efficient path to your destination?

Hustle! Hustle everywhere!

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#303
But if your hypothetical spouse has friends, you have to move near those friends as well. And if their hypothetical spouses also friends, those also have to be nearby. And let's not get into hypothetical children, their friends and the parents of those friends.

I've tried but it's just impossible to make this sort of idea work unless you're terminally solipsistic or everyone you care about already comes from a very small social circle. The second-order effects kill it.

In my view this illustrates one of the great advantages of pair bonding: You only have to coordinate your decisions with one person.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#304

Earlier quoted context omitted.

> At least in my country, no one calls ahead before dropping by to meet you in smaller cities. They just show up and hang out. I consider myself pretty sociable, but holly shit that sounds like a nightmare.

This is how things were for the majority of the human timeline. Before mobile phones, people would stop by others homes and just knock and see if they were around.

I understand there wasn't much choice before any kind of phones, but I remember my parents using fixed phone line just fine to arrange visits with friends.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#305

But if your hypothetical spouse has friends, you have to move near those friends as well. And if their hypothetical spouses also friends, those also have to be nearby. And let's not get into hypothetical children, their friends and the parents of those friends. I've tried but it's just impossible to make this sort of idea work unless you're terminally solipsistic or everyone you care about already comes from a very s…

Date your friends and marry them. Problem solved :)

But in all seriousness, living near your friends isn’t a mathematical impossibility. People commonly did this simply out of virtue of never leaving the villages that they were born into.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#306

Earlier quoted context omitted.

More Europe anecdata: I live in a small town of around 2000. Within 5-10 minutes walking I got: a restaurant, a cafe, a grocery store, pizzeria and kindergarten. Within 5-10 minutes of biking I have: public library, another grocery store, two bars and a restaurant. Public transport is readily available to take me to the neighbouring hustle-bustle (pop. 600'000) within 35 minutes. So my town is 50 times smaller than y…

The 2k town often/usually only has one of a cafe/restaurant/grocery store. Sounds like you've got a good town though! I live in a "mid sized" european city (500k), about 2km from the center, and the _only_ think I use my car for is getting out of the city. Within 10m walking I have pretty much everything I need, and within 20m of public transport (ironically, walking can be quicker for the short distances), I have pr…

I live in an area in one of the major European cities (Budapest) that locals just call "the village".

It's right in the middle, close to the central district. It's got everything. From barbers to art galleries, from Portuguese cuisine to folklore shops, from luthiers to really good schools. A bustling art scene, clean streets. A huge shopping centre a nice park and an international transportation hub are all in in walking distance (I have friends who haven't left the borders of this "village" during Covid, it's really got everything. Part of a big city while being not part of it at the same time.

Also, I come from a 20k small town (so right between the two examples above) and had a very similar experience there, apart from everything the world has to offer being easily accessible once you decide to hop on a tram or your bike.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#307

Sprawl exists because it’s nice. People really like having a 3,000 square foot detached single family home with a 2 car garage. Especially when all of their friends have one. The only way everyone gets that, by definition, is sprawl. Of course, the drawbacks to personal health and well-being and societal stability are immense. But it’s really nice, too. Like, sitting in a massive basement with three TV’s while the gr…

> People really like having a 3,000 square foot detached single family home with a 2 car garage. Sure, I'd like that too. But also, how about 3000 square feet apartment with top-notch sound insulation and a balcony, with an underground garage? That sounds like it would have most of the benefits, I would actually prefer it, as I don't care about yards. And with 10-20 story buildings, you could still have quite a large…

The latter will cost you about 5-7million, the former, 5-700k.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#308
post #216
post #184

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I live in Romania, in a city that has been growing a lot. There's plenty of new development, both high density and single unit detached homes. Zoning is not that restrictive here, so it's actually people preferring to live in a separate home. So yeah, sprawl is nice.

And how much infrastructure (schools, kindergardens, medical centers, parks, postal offices, good public transport etc.) do you have around those new developments?

I guess none at all. I'm basing my opinion on sweden.

Here all the new developments suck. No parks, no shops, so close to each other that they might as well be underground…

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#309
post #37

Earlier quoted context omitted.

This is a bit of an unconventional POV, but I don't consider large areas of suburban sprawl to be cities but just really big towns. This covers Houston, swaths of Atlanta, lots of Southern California. There are lots of people living there compared to rural areas, to be sure, but without the density to support usable public transportation (once-an-hour buses don't count), it's really not a city at all. It's endless su…

Towns are not really different than cities, they are just smaller. In a town you will still be able to walk to places.

On that note, being able to walk to places would disqualify most, if not all, US suburbs from being towns or cities. Other than the occasional developer created, faux "town centers" (that you laughably need to drive to), they don't even have anything in the way of a downtown or central square.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#310
In my case, it's because all of my friends moved to the other side of the country. I stayed in the city where we met, but they didn't. (Possibly because it's too expensive.)

At our previous house, we were also very good friends with our neighbours. Our kids played together a lot, we had dinner together frequently. But our house was getting too small, so we moved somewhere else in the same neighbourhood, and immediately after, they moved to a completely different town.

I'd love to have my friends as neighbours. I'd love to become friends with my neighbours. I'd love to live in some sort of community group where we do lots of things together. But that's not a common thing apparently, and I'm way too introverted to make it happen.

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