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Why don’t more people live close to friends?

annehelen.substack.com

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Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#81

Post by rocketbop »

courgette wrote: post #43
no_wizard wrote: post #2

A somewhat modern feeling I have is also that it’s hard to make close friends as an adult. There’s less willingness to interact with strangers or even the possible idea of having a good interaction with someone that’s a stranger. I think that would also help alleviate the problem significantly is if we were able to meet people in safe spaces somewhat randomly without people feeling like it’s an affront or something

I discovered that I can be instantly be close and talks about relatively deep subjects with most other foreign workers. ( I am too and it’s obvious ) Being severed from your own culture create a link. And with people sharing a language, it’s even quicker. A common ice breaker is to gently make fun of American. Interesting point: I would probably never have talked with those folks back home. And they would have not ei…

Having something (but not everything) in common is the root of most friendships. The common thing can be club membership, location, interest in weed, some hobby, or almost anything. Without something to connect over it’s hard to get past small talk.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#82

Post by carrolldunham »

I always get pushback for this but I think the idea that adults 'hang out with friends' is a meme from sitcoms. I think people grew up absorbing sitcom premises as representing life. I look at my parents and grandparents they don't have many friends - there's one or two people they see once or twice a year. That's normal. Having 3-5 people who you catch up with regularly through the week and hang out like teenagers, is a premise for a comedy with dynamics. It's not real life after 30.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#83

Post by rainytuesday »

naremu wrote: post #25

I've been wondering how related these feelings of distance and isolation in the middle of society are to how the area is designed. I had always known for a long time the "why" I didn't want to go out on weekends and such, but it wasn't until I watched some of those videos from "Not Just Bikes" that it really, really struck me. I literally dread finding parking more than I enjoy finding friends. And suburban (and fran…

Japan doesn't make sense though, they have an amazing urban environment, yet still seem to have problems with social isolation.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#84

Post by schlowmo »

One aspect of this which I find myself often think about is that it takes some deliberation with whom you want to spend your time when you get older if you're not living the usual family life.

I'm in my thirties now and sometimes it feels like there's plenty of time to figure this out. But most of my closest friends are somewhat older than me. Almost none of them have started a family in the traditional sense. Most of the people they were friends with drifted of in their own little family worlds over time. Another good chunk of former friends pursued professional/academic careers which led them to move quite some distances.

And I can really understand their fear that the younger people they befriended (like me) will do the same (which I and my long-term partner are ruling out but they heard a lot of people saying that before doing it anyway).

I find it comforting that we talk about this from time to time and try to reassure each other that there will be a shared future as we get all older together.And I sometimes think this wouldn't happen if we were all the same age. It kind of helps getting the perspective of older friends which have lost track of a whole lot of people during their lifes. At my current age I can feel the impacts getting closer. It's oftentimes a really short way from "friends for life" to "acquaintances from the past".

And I wouldn't mind at all if the roomate analogy of the author would be literally that shared future:

> It’s not dissimilar to a big house with lots of roommates, or even a college dorm — it’s just that the living areas are separated by a few blocks instead of a few feet.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#85

Post by iambateman »

Sprawl exists because it’s nice. People really like having a 3,000 square foot detached single family home with a 2 car garage. Especially when all of their friends have one. The only way everyone gets that, by definition, is sprawl.

Of course, the drawbacks to personal health and well-being and societal stability are immense. But it’s really nice, too. Like, sitting in a massive basement with three TV’s while the grill is going is nice. Not bringing groceries in from the rain is nice. Having a fenced back yard for a dog is nice. Having guest space and individual rooms for both kids and a walk-in closet is nice.

As advocates for better cities, we need to spend a lot more time helping people see the possibilities of thoughtful urban living. A lot of people simply can’t imagine what it would be like to “give up” the luxuries of their sprawl in order to get more proximity to, well, friends.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#86

Post by dopidopHN »

whydoineedaname wrote: post #36
nonethewiser wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Do you find yourself not having much in common with your neighbors, not liking them, etc? A large part of friendship is some circumstance that puts you in the same time and place (school, work, sports, etc.). There must be some pretty big barrier if you can’t make friends with most of your neighbors.

Statistically, five to six out of ten of my neighbors think my marriage shouldn't be allowed, so yeah, I'd say there's a pretty big barrier with the neighbors of happenstance. The ones who will deign to talk to us politely discourage us from attending the BBQs, "Oh you know, it'll be mainly families so it won't be of much interest to you."

Damn. move. Friendly place do exists. Anyway, none of my business but I got anoyed on your behalf

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#87

Post by Lapsa »

AlbertCory wrote: post #48
nonethewiser wrote: post #5

Isn’t being friends with your neighbors a far more obvious answer to this? I thought that’s where this was going. > Sometime during the pandemic lockdowns, I began to nurture a fantasy,” Adrienne Matei writes. “What if I were neighbors with all of my friends? Every day, as I took long walks through North Vancouver that were still nowhere near long enough to land me at a single pal’s doorstep, I would reflect on the p…

Since getting a cute, friendly dog and walking him twice a day, my friendship count in the neighborhood has gone up by at least 10x. Of course, for a lot of them, I only know their dog's name, not the person's. /s No, it's not enough, but it's sure better than not knowing the neighbors at all.

well maintained local parks can be great for socializing even without cute doggos. folks are much less in a rush around there

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#88

Post by chasd00 »

AceJohnny2 wrote: post #56

I can attest to the value of living close to friends. A few of us moved into 3 apartments in the same apartment complex, and it's really great. Other close friends have a place that's 20 minutes walk away, so we frequently do things together. Of course, we live in the Bay Area where the housing market is shit , so we recognize how lucky we are to afford our situation. It was much easier for me when I lived in a small…

I lived with the same three guys from the time I was 18 to about 31. It was pretty great, our gfs hated it and I eventually got married and started a family but it was fun while it lasted.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#89

Post by ericmay »

philsnow wrote: post #55

> why don’t we do this? The fetishization of the nuclear family, of course, as well as the building and zoning codes that facilitate that fetishization. Zoning calls them "single family homes" but it doesn't call it "nuclear family homes" or anything like that. Single family homes are more about American individualism [0] and not wanting to share anything if you don't absolutely have to. That's why, outside of at mos…

Single family homes aren’t the problem, it’s lack of density and mixed-use. Ideally you have single family homes mixed in with condos and apartments, coffee shops, grocery stores, etc. and then you mix in various sizes and configurations so the wealthy CEO is walking their dog at the park and saying hello to the student living in a studio apartment, and they all say hi to the elderly couple sitting on the porch when they bring their kids to school to their neighbor, the teacher.

Taking each of these and creating a “suburban neighborhood” area, a retirement home, a shopping complex, and a school complex and making each of them require a personal vehicle to get to is solely responsible for fucking up America and other Anglosphere countries to a degree.

Re: Why don’t more people live close to friends?

#90

Post by vel0city »

bradlys wrote: post #22
nonethewiser wrote: post #15

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Do you find yourself not having much in common with your neighbors, not liking them, etc? A large part of friendship is some circumstance that puts you in the same time and place (school, work, sports, etc.). There must be some pretty big barrier if you can’t make friends with most of your neighbors.

I don't know my current neighbors at all (I live in an apartment building with 150+ units) and I'm fine with that. However, when I was in a house... I met some. They were often the worst kind of people. The most NIMBY neolib white-flight our-neighborhood-is-going-to-hell 60+ year old assholes you could imagine. The one we thought was nice apparently would beat one of his kids and make him sleep outside the house. Tha…

Conflict with neighbors is a common theme. But also friendship with neighbors. Wilson Wilson Jr in Home Improvement. Lawrence in Office Space. All the guys in King of the Hill. Even in some which start off with frustrations about neighbors sometimes shows strong bonds between them later like Grand Torino or Family Matters or even The Simpsons.

I think a lot of TV shows and movies show a lot of different perspectives of neighbors, and I'm not convinced it's mostly negative. Lots show some amount of strife with neighbors, but even a romance movie will often show some amount of conflict between the protagonists.

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