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Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

thetimes.co.uk

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Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#301

Post by kempbellt »

Abishek_Muthian wrote: post #183
lolinder wrote: post #168

Earlier quoted context omitted.

That doesn't sound like a very healthy outlook on life. Trading social belonging for productivity is a Faustian deal if I've ever seen one, and a deal likely to lead to burnout and depression. If socializing leaves you ridden with guilt for lost productivity, I'd recommend a paradigm shift.

Not guilty for lost productivity, but for having to fake emotions, showing interest in conversations which I have no real interest and most of all feeling powerless to cure problems of people when they tell about it.

Food for thought. Have you tried interacting socially without faking your emotions, pretending to be interested in things you aren't, and not trying to cure other peoples' problems?

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#302

Post by Markoff »

scarface74 wrote: post #278
CalChris wrote: post #241

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Child-free couples, unless of course you're talking playdates which is a social tree climb all its own. But single, disagree from experience. There's even a line from Nora Ephron's Heartburn , the book not the movie: Couples date couples.

Exactly. My wife and I have a grown son and a 17 year old. We won’t go over to couples houses with small kids or go out to dinner with couples that don’t have reliable babysitters where they bring their kids along.

who hang out with you when you had small kids?

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#303

Post by scarface74 »

intrasight wrote: post #149

Here's an easy solution guys - make friends with more women. A couple years ago my wife asked for a divorce (we are still married but separated). It was very much a wake up call that I was very dependent upon her emotionally and I had neglected my other friendships. I did two things. I invested myself in some old friends from high school and college, but as none of them are living in my city, I realized that I really…

I agree. As single person, it was much easier having female friends. I was much more comfortable having deep emotional platonic female friends. I don’t like doing most “guy stuff”. I don’t care about sports, but I’m very comfortable taking certain types of non dancy fitness classes - I use to teach them. But most of my female friends then were people who trusted me implicitly because I knew then from high school and college. I couldn’t imagine finding myself single again and making new female friends who didn’t immediately think that I couldn’t just want a platonic friendship.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#304

Post by scarface74 »

intrasight wrote: post #166
orasis wrote: post #156

Earlier quoted context omitted.

So much this! I am happily married but my wife understands that I tend to connect better with female friends than males. It took some time for me to reject the social taboo of a married male hanging out with platonic women friends but I’ve been so much happier for it.

I don't think there is a social taboo - I think it's more of a self-imposed taboo because we've been told forever that men and woman can't just be friends. I've found that if you are clear that you just want to be friends then there is no discomfort, and they will treat you nearly exactly the same as they treat there female friends. They will share their feelings, their concerns, their aspirations. That what needs to…

The issue with having “platonic” female friends is that it can easily lead to emotionally infidelity and trust issues anytime there is a hint of any issues with your marriage. Maintaining a healthy marriage is hard enough without bringing in that complication. My only female friends these days are married and we are “couple friends”.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#305

Post by colospoin »

nitrogen wrote: post #275
humanrebar wrote: post #159

I only see a couple mentions of religious organizations, but it's worth pointing out that churches and other religious organizations put an enormous amount of effort into making meaningful friendships convenient and healthy, including casual events, lectures, classes, study groups, and group volunteer activities. I'm not positive that the amount of attention given men in particular is comparable to children, women, c…

It's a bit disappointing that community and belief system have to be intertwined. If one changes (you change beliefs, or your local community doesn't suit you), the other suffers (you lose your friends, or you have to pretend to believe something you don't). I used to be devoutly religious through my mid twenties. In hindsight that was a mistake for me personally because the community surrounding that religion didn't…

>I missed many opportunities in life by trying to make that religion work for me for far too long.

Oh, this hits way, way too close to home.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#306

Post by sneak »

bloody-crow wrote: post #297

This is the post I've finally decided to start an alt HN account for. I'm one of those men with no close friends. Or any friends, for what it's worth. I've had a few people in my life that I had very good friendships at a time, but all of them now live very far and we don't maintain any contact. I'm married and my wife covers all my emotional needs. While I realize how dysfunctional such state of affairs is, I just c…

Where do you live? What are your hobbies and interests?

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#307

Post by freeflight »

simion314 wrote: post #68
TazeTSchnitzel wrote: post #37

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Focussing on men risks feeding the whole “men are victims of feminism” narrative.

Why do you think that? As a man I think we are the victims of our culture where as a man you need to be tough and not reach for help or chat about things.

While at the same time a counter-culture push exists for men to refuse all of that or risk getting called out as "toxic" and/or "mysogonistic" over some of the most mundane behaviors.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#308

Post by scarface74 »

Markoff wrote: post #302
scarface74 wrote: post #278

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Exactly. My wife and I have a grown son and a 17 year old. We won’t go over to couples houses with small kids or go out to dinner with couples that don’t have reliable babysitters where they bring their kids along.

who hang out with you when you had small kids?

I never had small kids - my “sons” are my stepsons - they were 9 and 14 when I met my now wife. She feels the same way. She’s raised her kids and now she wants to do “adult” things without kids running around and interrupting us.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#309

Post by neverartful »

Aloha wrote: post #127
motohagiography wrote: post #90

These trends are set in contrast to times when fraternal organizations provided a kind of social fabric that isn't the norm now. For men who are recognizing that social isolation is a long term risk in their lives and want to do something about it, I heartily recommend looking into these organizations. They're a mixed bag, like anything, but a bunch of guys who can hold anything together for decades should make anyon…

As a gay male, I often have an additional wrinkle - in the Masonic orders, Eagles, Elks, or Moose Lodge, I feel I would be the odd man out in these situation.

I was in the Masons for a number of years and I was surprised to read your post. I'm quite sure that some of the Masons were gay. It didn't matter any. The only time that I could see someone feeling like the odd man out is where there are events for couples and you didn't feel comfortable bringing a guest. This would be more true for the Shriners than say the Blue Lodge (plain Masonic lodge).

I recently became an Odd Fellow and I still feel the same with respect to whether a member is gay or not. The big difference with the Odd Fellows is that both men and women can be (and are) members. The Masonic orders are only for men.

In any case, I wouldn't write them off completely due to your concern.

Re: Almost one in five men admits to having no close friends, a survey has found

#310

Post by elliekelly »

rolltiide wrote: post #89
tonystubblebine wrote: post #63

Earlier quoted context omitted.

An important post-30 strategy that I use is to assume that all friends with children are prisoners in their own home. You know exactly where they are. You know they don't have plans. They are desperate for adult conversation. That means you can invite yourself over, bring takeout, and basically make their day. I'm coupled but this should work as a single. Our parent friends say it's actually easier to be friends with…

This was my strategy with club promoters. They maintain an air of exclusivity with gaggles of beautiful women around them, and self preservation would tell you not to dare approach any of the women or the table and that the promoter - usually male - would be disinterested or aggressive towards you. But a reality is that the promoters are also desperate for casual conversation. All those beautiful women around and if…

> The selection of women

This is a pretty gross way to describe a group of people.

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