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Bye, Mom

aella.substack.com

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Re: Bye, Mom

#31

Post by AH4oFVbPT4f8 »

esel2k wrote: post #20
brainless wrote: post #14

Halfway through I realized where this is going. Could not hold the tears. These are tough choices. My parents are alive, getting older. My dad has fairly serious mental health issues. Life has never been easy in a very dysfunctional family. I stayed away from family for many years. Now, I am 41 and these last few years, I have started to realize that I may not have much time with them. We are busy people but no matte…

Same age and while coming not from abuse but from difficult extreme-christian education I am torn between letting my parents have too much say in my life today. However as you say: I realise that my time with them is going to end and I don’t want them gone. Wondering how you found a way to spend time with them and if you openly speaking about the limited time left and the past with them?

I’m about the same age as you. I was raised in a strict christian home. For a long time, I thought that was normal. It wasn’t. I didn’t see it clearly until my late thirties, sitting in therapy for depression. That’s when I learned it was abuse.

The best thing my therapist told me was to cut off contact. I did. And I’ve never been happier. I’ve got my own family now. We live with love, not fear. We tell the truth. We don’t play mind games.

If my parents ever want to make peace, they’ll have to admit they were dishonest and tried to control me. But they won’t. They still say they did what they thought was best.

For me, I just look forward to the day I stop thinking about them, or the day I hear they’ve passed.

Re: Bye, Mom

#33

Post by replwoacause »

the_real_cher wrote: post #11

Odd choice for a Hacker News article. Shes kind of an e-girl so I guess it makes sense in a way. Well written article!

I don't think it's odd. She's interesting, a great writer, and this was a moving piece. Not everything posted to HN is about orgmode and Rust.

Re: Bye, Mom

#34

Post by newdee »

BeFlatXIII wrote: post #29
ArnoVW wrote: post #8

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Thanks for the link. Yes, that does give pause for thought: -- For example: once, when I was eight years old, I’d done something wrong that warranted a spanking. My dad commanded me ‘come here.’ I hesitated, building up my willpower, before complying. He spanked me and let me go as I sobbed. He then said “You hesitated. That’s disobedience - come here to get another one.” At this point I was in a lot of pain, and the…

Stories like this are why there should be competency tests before letting people be fertile.

Ah yes, eugenics, that’ll make everything better.

Re: Bye, Mom

#35

Post by selcuka »

newdee wrote: post #34
BeFlatXIII wrote: post #29

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Stories like this are why there should be competency tests before letting people be fertile.

Ah yes, eugenics, that’ll make everything better.

"Competency tests" is not eugenics. It's not about heritable characteristics.

It's similar to requiring an eye test before one can get a driver's licence.

Re: Bye, Mom

#36

Post by newdee »

selcuka wrote: post #35
newdee wrote: post #34

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Ah yes, eugenics, that’ll make everything better.

"Competency tests" is not eugenics. It's not about heritable characteristics. It's similar to requiring an eye test before one can get a driver's licence.

Driving is privilege, not a right.

The outcome of what’s being suggested comes with all the same issues and evils of genetic eugenics. Think of how fucked up things would have to get to even police and enforce such a nightmarish system. It’s absurd.

Re: Bye, Mom

#37

Post by selcuka »

newdee wrote: post #36
selcuka wrote: post #35

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"Competency tests" is not eugenics. It's not about heritable characteristics. It's similar to requiring an eye test before one can get a driver's licence.

Driving is privilege, not a right. The outcome of what’s being suggested comes with all the same issues and evils of genetic eugenics. Think of how fucked up things would have to get to even police and enforce such a nightmarish system. It’s absurd.

For the record, I'm not backing the idea. Just pointing out that it's not eugenics.

By the way, everything is a privilege in a modern society governed by laws. The state has the power to take children away from abusive parents. Do we think that's also a violation of a basic human right? Why not?

Re: Bye, Mom

#38

Post by duxup »

decimalenough wrote: post #2

It's difficult for me to reconcile her grief at the loss of her mother with the horrific abuse her parents inflicted on her. (Mostly her father, to be fair, but with the full knowledge and consent of her mother.) https://aella.substack.com/p/the-joy-is-not-optional

When I used to work with abused kids long ago I recognized that a lot did not make sense when I talked to them. I realized later in life that remained the case for many in adulthood. Outside those who completely disconnect from their families I think it's hard for most of us to understand.

I always assume humans, even those abused, still have those same experiences, and even positive connections to family even within the cloud of abuse ... it makes things confusing for the rest of us I think but I think humans are driven to find those bits of connection regardless how our parents behave.

Re: Bye, Mom

#39

Post by esel2k »

AH4oFVbPT4f8 wrote: post #31
esel2k wrote: post #20

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Same age and while coming not from abuse but from difficult extreme-christian education I am torn between letting my parents have too much say in my life today. However as you say: I realise that my time with them is going to end and I don’t want them gone. Wondering how you found a way to spend time with them and if you openly speaking about the limited time left and the past with them?

I’m about the same age as you. I was raised in a strict christian home. For a long time, I thought that was normal. It wasn’t. I didn’t see it clearly until my late thirties, sitting in therapy for depression. That’s when I learned it was abuse. The best thing my therapist told me was to cut off contact. I did. And I’ve never been happier. I’ve got my own family now. We live with love, not fear. We tell the truth. We…

I realised over the years that many friends of mine went through troublesome experience because of the faith of their parents. I genuinely believe my parents were A) trapped in a system B) wanted the best for their kids.

Having kids it would break my heart if they would cancel the contact - but at the end if parents can’t admit mistakes maybe as Christian they have not learned humility and asking for forgiveness- alao something is see my parents struggling. I am willing to forgive and forget - but I still see a same extreme conviction that what they do is all correct and they way to live in faith.

PS: Edit - I just saw you wrote: Love not fear! Thats so powerful- fear was the best description of our education as well and I am so sad about this… why did it has to come that far?!

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