Think about the inner values that you have. You mention, you want to make a contribution to the society, and to be a good grandson. That's already a lot! You could start by making really small contributions, it does not have to be world-changing to make sense. Just picking up trash or tending a garden would be a good start. Take care of your other needs – try to eat well, sleep well, move enough, get social support (…
I contribute to open-source, that's the only thing i would be proud of, besides not hurting anybody in any way including myself
Your perception of yourself and your life is being distorted by depression. The intellect tries to make this about "meaning," or who you are, but it's not really about that. You're not a parasite, and the people who care about you don't think you're a loser. You're okay, and it sucks that you're going through this, but nothing is wrong with you. You're just having a rough spot, which is normal and common, especially…
The saddest thing is that nobody seems to understand having depression is not my choice I don't want to be depressed no more than anyone else I don't want to be that person of which everyone thinks as depressed, it hurts
Brain chemistry is weird, perhaps some combination of therapy and antidepressants could help. It sounds like you can afford it, so why not give it a shot.
I’ve been there. I’ve suffered from depression for 20 years now… but my darkest, lowest points were 06-09. I had pathologically negative thoughts just like you’re experiencing. It’s incredible suffering, I know! No one really understands unless they’ve been there themselves. You can recover. The darkness will eventually relent. You can be productive and successful one day. It’s not over. There are no easy solutions o…
At this point i feel like it's bottomless
There is no light at the end of the tunnel, it's only getting darker and darker day by day
Think about the inner values that you have. You mention, you want to make a contribution to the society, and to be a good grandson. That's already a lot! You could start by making really small contributions, it does not have to be world-changing to make sense. Just picking up trash or tending a garden would be a good start. Take care of your other needs – try to eat well, sleep well, move enough, get social support (…
I contribute to open-source, that's the only thing i would be proud of, besides not hurting anybody in any way including myself
That's already a lot! I don't contribute to open source (as I'm not a coder) and I'm thankful that you do.
Get off of the internet. For an extended period of time. Invest in real-life relationships. Get into nature. Seek professional in-person psychological help, not help via the internet.
You have an extra "o" when you spelt loser.
But no, I've been there buddy, and honestly, still partly stuck in that rut. What really helped me is just going out to meet people. When I think abt the days that depression hits the hardest, it's usually the days when I have minimal to zero human interaction. Something abt regular social interactions is critical for my mental well. I also have had pretty bad social anxiety, but recently have committed myself to getting better at it. Used to think of it as something innate, that other people were borne with but somehow I was passed over. Now I realize it's just a skill like any other, and the more you immerse interact with people, the better you get at it, and the more enjoyable it becomes.
Recommend just taking any opportunity you can get with strangers to make small talk with them. Bars are good for this too.
Also I noticed that the way you write your messages, strongly signals "depressed person". You need to supress this outward expression of your depressive state as much as possible when interacting with other people. Because as much as society tells you otherwise, nobody really enjoys interacting with a depressed person. So no matter how you feel on the inside, shud try your best to reflect an outwardly normal attitude.
BTW, some others have commented seeking therapy. I have mixed feelings abt this. On one hand, people with seriously crippling depression shud definitely seek professional help. On the other hand, alot of self diagnosed "depression" can be simply chalked up to having some bad days, rather than some chemical imbalances in the brain. In the latter case, seeking a therapist just externalizes the solution instead of facing the problem that is yours to solve yourself. What you are feeling would probably continue for the rest of your life, unless you can do something to change it.
Anyways, I hope this helped. Don't give up, and always remember that youre probably stronger than you think. The present is not indicative of the future, and even your worst days will give way to a brighter tomorrow
You have the wrong philosophy. A wrong interpretation of reality. Depression is inevitable. Have you ever asked yourself what a "good person" means? And why? Because it is written in a book? Because others told you so? Use your mind and senses, use Aristotle's achievement of how to interpret reality correctly: logic. Read "The Virtue of Selfshness" by Ayn Rand and live the best life you can.