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A college professor gives her students extra credit for going on dates

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Re: A college professor gives her students extra credit for going on dates

#31

Post by incredible12345 »

MaupitiBlue wrote: post #21

As someone in their 40's who dates girls in their 20's, I've definitely found this to be true. Many of the girls I got out with have never been on a traditional date. I get the impression that the experience of being picked up, taken to a nice restaurant, being conversed with, and not worrying about the bill is something out of the twilight zone for them. Young guys, you're doing it wrong, but as an old fogey, I'm no…

As someone in their 20's, going for traditional dates of coffee/dinner and conversation is all I do. I have been on about 30 dates in the last year and they were all traditional dates. I've also never tried for anything within the realm of casual dating ever.

I really don't think your claim would hold up to light in my experience dude. All of the women were readily aware that it was a date and none of the dates really went anywhere.

Re: A college professor gives her students extra credit for going on dates

#32

Post by pmoriarty »

DoreenMichele wrote: post #30
pmoriarty wrote: post #29

Earlier quoted context omitted.

There are definitely way too many people (men and women) who are just after money. One of the downsides of being rich is that those kind of people tend to sniff you out and come after whatever they can leech off of you. Being poor, I don't have that problem. If someone likes me, I can be pretty sure they're not after my money.. because I don't have any. That said, with or without money, relationships can start out go…

Unless you are literally homeless and eating at soup kitchens because you have zero income, then you have some money, even if you aren't rich. There is always someone who can have less than you. I have seen plenty of homeless people used for their money by someone claiming romantic interest, usually women. When I was a homeless woman, I knew a homeless guy who had fantasies I would provide for him in exchange for sex…

Well, I'm not after other people's money. It sounds like you and GP aren't after it either. We all want to make genuine connections and have meaningful relationships.

That makes three of us, and I have a feeling there are many more. We're just not connecting enough, and have been bitten so much that we stay home licking our wounds instead of risking getting hurt again.

But it's not because good people aren't out there. They're out there. We just have to find them somehow, and that takes trying instead of sitting at home.

Re: A college professor gives her students extra credit for going on dates

#33

Post by DoreenMichele »

pmoriarty wrote: post #32
DoreenMichele wrote: post #30

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Unless you are literally homeless and eating at soup kitchens because you have zero income, then you have some money, even if you aren't rich. There is always someone who can have less than you. I have seen plenty of homeless people used for their money by someone claiming romantic interest, usually women. When I was a homeless woman, I knew a homeless guy who had fantasies I would provide for him in exchange for sex…

Well, I'm not after other people's money. It sounds like you and GP aren't after it either. We all want to make genuine connections and have meaningful relationships. That makes three of us, and I have a feeling there are many more. We're just not connecting enough, and have been bitten so much that we stay home licking our wounds instead of risking getting hurt again. But it's not because good people aren't out ther…

Trying has taught me the exact same thing the GP has learned: People only ever take advantage of me. That's it.

I'm not rich, but it has cost me plenty to be kind and generous to people and I don't need some internet stranger trying to give me some pep talk like I just haven't tried hard enough.

Re: A college professor gives her students extra credit for going on dates

#34

Post by pmoriarty »

DoreenMichele wrote: post #33
pmoriarty wrote: post #32

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Well, I'm not after other people's money. It sounds like you and GP aren't after it either. We all want to make genuine connections and have meaningful relationships. That makes three of us, and I have a feeling there are many more. We're just not connecting enough, and have been bitten so much that we stay home licking our wounds instead of risking getting hurt again. But it's not because good people aren't out ther…

Trying has taught me the exact same thing the GP has learned: People only ever take advantage of me. That's it. I'm not rich, but it has cost me plenty to be kind and generous to people and I don't need some internet stranger trying to give me some pep talk like I just haven't tried hard enough.

Yes, we are strangers. I don't know you, and don't know what you have or haven't tried, or how hard you've tried. I don't know who you met and who you didn't meet, how they treated you or how you treated them.

I, like you, have my own experience of and view on the world, and I was just expressing it and trying to help -- help not just you but anyone who's reading this that might be going through something similar.

I've seen so many good people torpedo their own chances, so many people blame others when they actually had a role to play in the negative way the relationship went (I'm not saying you're doing this because, as you point out, I don't know you at all.. but some people certainly do exactly that), and so many people could do a lot better if they did try more and worked on their issues more to actually improve their own desirability and ability to cope with serious relationships.

But if you don't believe me, if you're not convinced or don't think what I say applies to you, and you prefer to give up, fine. Then what I say is not for you. Maybe it can encourage someone else who hasn't yet given up.

Re: A college professor gives her students extra credit for going on dates

#35

Post by Jhsto »

From my anecdotal experience, being out of your comfort zone is the actual highway to relationships.

I used to live in a house in a foreign country to which people from my home country crashed to during their short, usually few week visits at the area. Surprisingly, the people who came there were exceptionally open (exceptional as in compared to a usual native). Most of them came either alone or with one friend/business partner. I think a lot of their openness attributed to the fact that they were in a temporary, new environment.

I also noticed that being open myself first helped to initiate deep conversations. But after returning to home and to college, despite continuing to prompt these discussions, I rarely get the same kind of reaction anymore.

My general observation is that my peers are happy to answer questions I have, but they lack the social skills to listen and ask leading questions. But then again, this might just be that they find me uninteresting as a person, but the difference is worryingly stark -- out of 30 people I've befriended on Facebook only a few have I had conversations deep enough I'd consider to meet up with them just to talk. The numbers were very much the opposite if you'd compare it to the experience in the foreign land.

Thus, I think it is silly to have fear of missing out on relationships or a partner during college. With the new brave world of remote working, I could as well make a living in the opposite end of the planet just a mere day after graduation, to which I am quite sure most of the peers won't (or wouldn't) follow me anyway.

Re: A college professor gives her students extra credit for going on dates

#36

Post by brianwawok »

econner wrote: post #8

One of the things I didn’t appreciate until leaving college was how much the world narrows. In college you’re surrounded by people at similar life stages who are more open to new experiences and to meeting new people (or at least more so than after). It’s a lot more difficult to form new friendships after college and that seems especially true now that phones and other entertainment occupy downtime attention. Texting…

You can find similar people, it just takes more work.

One good outlet is work. Usually you can find a few similar people there.

The other good outlet is hobbies. Love running? Join a running club. Lots of people who love running. Similar mindset + common interest = a good pool to meet people from.

Just surfing facebook won't find you people, no..

Re: A college professor gives her students extra credit for going on dates

#37

Post by DoreenMichele »

pmoriarty wrote: post #34
DoreenMichele wrote: post #33

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Trying has taught me the exact same thing the GP has learned: People only ever take advantage of me. That's it. I'm not rich, but it has cost me plenty to be kind and generous to people and I don't need some internet stranger trying to give me some pep talk like I just haven't tried hard enough.

Yes, we are strangers. I don't know you, and don't know what you have or haven't tried, or how hard you've tried. I don't know who you met and who you didn't meet, how they treated you or how you treated them. I, like you, have my own experience of and view on the world, and I was just expressing it and trying to help -- help not just you but anyone who's reading this that might be going through something similar. I'…

I have written and erased at least 5 replies here. As nicely as possible, the approach you are taking is not a good way to be encouraging to bitter people. It feels on the receiving end very dismissive and like a kick in the teeth.

I'm talented at making other people feel okay about themselves. I'm talented at taking care of other people and doing right by them, even under extremely challenging circumstances. The only people who have ever given back on par with what I gave them is my two sons.

Everyone else seems to essentially say "Thanks for the freebies! (chump! God, what a fool! Ha ha ha! I can't believe the bitch fell for that!)"

If I ever meet a guy who wants me and is not essentially a blood sucking vampire, great! But I'm just not holding my breath anymore.

Re: A college professor gives her students extra credit for going on dates

#38

Post by pmoriarty »

DoreenMichele wrote: post #37
pmoriarty wrote: post #34

Earlier quoted context omitted.

Yes, we are strangers. I don't know you, and don't know what you have or haven't tried, or how hard you've tried. I don't know who you met and who you didn't meet, how they treated you or how you treated them. I, like you, have my own experience of and view on the world, and I was just expressing it and trying to help -- help not just you but anyone who's reading this that might be going through something similar. I'…

I have written and erased at least 5 replies here. As nicely as possible, the approach you are taking is not a good way to be encouraging to bitter people. It feels on the receiving end very dismissive and like a kick in the teeth. I'm talented at making other people feel okay about themselves. I'm talented at taking care of other people and doing right by them, even under extremely challenging circumstances. The onl…

"As nicely as possible, the approach you are taking is not a good way to be encouraging to bitter people."

Then what is a good way to be encouraging to bitter people?

I mean, something that is actually encouraging rather than discouraging, and not something I don't believe. Because I am hopeful about relationships, and don't believe in simply isolating oneself because the only people you're going to meet are going to be users and abusers. I just don't believe that's true, even if some people have been unlucky enough to only meet and be abused by such horrible people.

Re: A college professor gives her students extra credit for going on dates

#39

Post by DoreenMichele »

pmoriarty wrote: post #38
DoreenMichele wrote: post #37

Earlier quoted context omitted.

I have written and erased at least 5 replies here. As nicely as possible, the approach you are taking is not a good way to be encouraging to bitter people. It feels on the receiving end very dismissive and like a kick in the teeth. I'm talented at making other people feel okay about themselves. I'm talented at taking care of other people and doing right by them, even under extremely challenging circumstances. The onl…

"As nicely as possible, the approach you are taking is not a good way to be encouraging to bitter people." Then what is a good way to be encouraging to bitter people? I mean, something that is actually encouraging rather than discouraging, and not something I don't believe. Because I am hopeful about relationships, and don't believe in simply isolating oneself because the only people you're going to meet are going to…

For starters, you can stop being judgey. You have described me as giving up and isolating myself. I haven't said any such thing.

For another, genuine empathy for a person's experiences is a good place to start.

My youngest son used to have the obnoxious habit of only ever saying "I love you" as a rebuttal when I was whining that "No one loves me!" until I finally handed him his head over what rotten behavior that was and told him if he really loved me, he could say it at times when it didn't amount to shooting me down gratuitously and kicking me while I was down.

The absolute worst time to tell people "Chin up, tally ho!" is when they are in a funk -- especially if that's the only interaction they have with you.

I understand where you are coming from precisely because I'm an excessively optmistic Pollyanna with a bad habit of doing exactly that. It's a habit I have tried hard to break because it basically never goes anywhere good.

I'm not in a good place today. I don't intend to continue this conversation. It doesn't really have anything to do with you.

Re: A college professor gives her students extra credit for going on dates

#40

Post by pmoriarty »

DoreenMichele wrote: post #39
pmoriarty wrote: post #38

Earlier quoted context omitted.

"As nicely as possible, the approach you are taking is not a good way to be encouraging to bitter people." Then what is a good way to be encouraging to bitter people? I mean, something that is actually encouraging rather than discouraging, and not something I don't believe. Because I am hopeful about relationships, and don't believe in simply isolating oneself because the only people you're going to meet are going to…

For starters, you can stop being judgey. You have described me as giving up and isolating myself. I haven't said any such thing. For another, genuine empathy for a person's experiences is a good place to start. My youngest son used to have the obnoxious habit of only ever saying "I love you" as a rebuttal when I was whining that "No one loves me!" until I finally handed him his head over what rotten behavior that was…

"You have described me as giving up and isolating myself. I haven't said any such thing."

You're absolutely right. I saw you say "Love isn't real" and "Trying has taught me the exact same thing the GP has learned: People only ever take advantage of me. That's it," and assumed that because of that you had given up. I shouldn't have made that assumption, and I apologize for that. I'll also try to ask myself if I'm in any way being judgmental before I post something in the future, because that's not my conscious intention -- quite the opposite.

"For another, genuine empathy for a person's experiences is a good place to start."

Ok. I'll work on that. I admit that I was too dismissive of your experiences. I should have had more empathy.

"The absolute worst time to tell people "Chin up, tally ho!" is when they are in a funk -- especially if that's the only interaction they have with you."

True. I know how that feels, and I hate it when people do that to me. But I'm really at a loss as to what to say that could be more genuinely encouraging to a bitter person. Maybe I shouldn't say anything except offer empathy.

"I understand where you are coming from precisely because I'm an excessively optmistic Pollyanna with a bad habit of doing exactly that."

That's funny, because I'm usually really pessimistic. I think sometimes my pep talks are as much for myself as they are for other people.

"I'm not in a good place today. I don't intend to continue this conversation. It doesn't really have anything to do with you."

I understand. Absolutely no hard feelings on my part. I'm sorry for being insensitive.

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